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I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.
In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.
Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.
I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.
Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.
@Former-Member A wholemeal nutella crumpet sounds like an entirely acceptable breakfast to me!
In response to: I'm in a nest
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Oh .... yum .... ❣️
@Former-Member@Phoenix_Rising
In response to: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
Hi! 💜💕 The Nutella sesgulls are out. 😂 No chippies this morning. I totally agree @Phoenix_Rising@Faith-and-Hope yummo!
In response to: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
SES gulls 😂 seagulls @Phoenix_Rising@Faith-and-Hope My eyes are blurry even with my reading glasses on 😀👀👓
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Good afternoon in the nest.
Thanks @Former-Member and @Phoenix_Rising for your comments re my spill post. It's hard to share stuff because it feels like it just never ends and I can imagine eye rolls and 'this again' even though I am pretty sure that's not what you guys do. Maybe it's more me eye rolling and 'ugh this again'-ing at my own stuff, because that's what it feels like a lot of the time. I hate that it's always something, regardless of how much I try to be ok and try to work it out. If I was someone reading my posts, sometimes I don't know if I would know how to reply and feeling like that makes me question what I am doing putting all it out there (here). Writing helps me work things out I think, and sharing here helps me get it out and off my chest, so it's helpful to have here even if there is nothing anyone can say to fix it.
Your wholemeal Nutella crumpet sounds pretty great Bella. I hope lousy passes soon for you and I'm sorry to hear yesterday was hard.
I do sometimes stop and wonder how life worked out like this @Phoenix_Rising. It's confronting seeing history and trying to sit with it somehow belonging to yourself, and I can see how the legal report would have done it to you. I just don't get how things can get so muddled or messy. Your comment about the pocket crew and the operation adventure made me smile, thank you. Dr Havetodo is wearing her tail ready to come with TT to my psych tomorrow and I've lugged TT around to the appointments so far (and you've kept your eyes closed during the yucky bits thank you 🙂 ). You're coming on a train adventure way out of my comfort zone next week for the appointment yeah? (Probably no choice really seeing as you've got a dedicated cosy space in my handbag now 😉 ).
Since I posted my big spill post and then tried to do the fun fish thing last night (which ended up as hours and hours of hair pulling out not-fun tech mess), a pop happened in my head. All the clarity about the extra mess that this is all bringing up, gave me a not-so-lovely clear view on just how messed up things are now. It turned into a huge panic state when my head hit the pillow last night. The type that feels like someone is sitting on your chest and you can't breathe. Usually I wake up and start the day feeling better at the chance for another start, but this morning I spent the whole morning in total overdrive with my chest hurting, my mouth dry, feeling like I was going to throw up, having the shakes, finding breathing a challenge. It was so full on. I think I was gearing myself up for a meeting that was supposed to happen with my CM and the real estate today. I got a call to tell me it had to be rescheduled to a time today that I couldn't make, so I'm now feeling the after effects of the big surge of panic/stress stuff, with nothing to actually put it into. It's exhausting. My CM is going to the meeting on my behalf, which in a way is seriously disappointing because the house stuff is really important to me. If there is someone I trust to do almost as well for me/us with house stuff it is her, so I am holding on to that at the moment trying super hard to trust/hope/believe it will all be ok.
I finally heard back from c-link just a moment ago as well and they've booked my job capacity assessment for next week, first thing in the morning the day after the appointment with the surgeon. I think it is too much for me, but there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe brain mashed, melted puddle of shaky snowflakiness is not the worst way to be walking in to that appointment. I have a feeling it's going to do some extra damage though. Big sigh 😞
I'm finding things really hard to tolerate at the moment. I'm questioning what the point in trying anymore is and I am feeling very overwhelmed. I definitely don't feel like I've got this anymore - I feel like it's well and truly got me. I really don't know what else I can do that I am not already doing, to try and sort things out. I wish there was a click and it will all be ok button. I really need one of them right now.
Well that was another rant sorry (eye roll at myself). One bonus to not having to get to this meeting today is that I can lie down and melt for a couple of hours under my blanket, which is where I am heading now.
Hope this afternoon is better for you Bella, that the ocean stays calm phoenix_rising (big yay for your awesome news too) and that it's a good day for anyone who is reading this.
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
NotLabelDefinedSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Hi @CheerBear,
Have you been to a job capacity assessment before? Ive been to few in the past and i found them ok. i got the impression from all of them that the person doing the assessment wasnt like the typical c-link worker, they actually cared about my circumstances.
But in saying that, it is a serious appointment cause they determine if you can work, and if so, for how many hours a week.
Did they say if you need to bring anything to the meeting with you?
If you need to gather supporting evidence from your GP or psych or other supports do you think one week will be enough time? If not, it might be good to contact them asap and ask for the meeting to be held at a later date, to give you time to get evidence 😉
In response to: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
No eye rolling here @CheerBear💜 Feeling the same, like it's all just too hard. Snuggle up and try and switch off for a while. Just wanted to say, "I get it". Today I actually feel worse, but I have to go out somewhere that can't be put off . 😮😣😨 ☕💕
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Hi @NotLabelDefined and thanks for your reply. My med cert expires next week. I called a few weeks ago to try and sort this out and it's taken until today to even get an appointment time as apparently they're booking up as soon as an appointment becomes available. I was told very firmly that I had no choice over the time or when it would be, and that I would need to cancel anything I had on that might clash, so I don't think they'll allow me to change the time. I'm really thankful that it doesn't fall on school pick up/drop off time, or clash with anything big like my other appointment the day before it. It's not much time though.
I wasn't really told what to expect or what to bring, just that I needed evidence. I guess I am lucky to have a psych who seems to think there is plenty wrong with me, and is happy to write documentation detailing all kinds of stuff about my life, so I'm sure in this instance they won't let me down either 😉 (sorry, sore spot right now).
I'm so scared of this one. Like terrified. I genuinely can't cope with going over things, especially not with someone I don't know. It does big damage to my head.
Thank you @Former-Member for not rolling your eyes and for getting it. I'm sorry you're feeling worse as well. Sending you big big hugs for too hard too 😘
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
NotLabelDefinedSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Hi @CheerBear,
That would have been really unfair if you were forced to change something. But its great your psych will be willing to support you. I wonder if you are allowed to have a support person with you during the meeting, that might help feel more at ease?
According to this government document(opens in new page), the JCA's may be conducted over phone. Im not sure if that would help? The linked document looks like its a guide on how to conduct job capacity assessments, and contains plenty of useful information. Theres heaps of other info online about them too Hopefully the information will make you feel a little less worried about attending the appointment as you will know what to expect.
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