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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I haven't read any back posts CB but I am sensing that you may need this today...

Sending you strength and light...

Zoe

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks again @NotLabelDefined. I will definitely have a look at the document before my psych appointment tomorrow. I'm back to the whole feels like I can't breathe, don't know how to keep on keeping on, too much, can't cope, thing and have 47 minutes to pull myself out of it so I can be a normal person and pick up my fish and bake cupcakes and stuff. I might spend it pacing around the house talking to myself about how much of a joke things seem to be right now. I really do appreciate the info though, and when I'm settled am sure it will be helpful.

Thanks Zoe7 x

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good evening nesters.

@Former-Member I love how @Faith-and-Hope and I magically appeared at the mention of nutella. I'm not sure if you know, but there is a conversation going on in Forum Land at the moment about how we can avoid posts getting missed and how we can help to make new people feel super welcome. Your post made me think that perhaps the solution is to tell new people that if they mention nutella in their post, then they are guaranteed to attract a lot of attention.

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a super tough day. I super hope tomorrow dawns brighter.

@CheerBear it sounds like things are super wonky in your world right now. There was definitely no eye-rolling here. I have been saying for a very long time that if only ONLY I can get some stability, then I truly believe I can unmuddle my muddle. When you keep getting smashed again and again it is so very very difficult to move forward.

I can definitely relate to your angst regarding centrelink. This remains one of my biggest fears - getting called in for a review. I super hope it goes ok for you. I wish you didn't have to deal with this muddle. I wish the systems that are supposed to help were designed in a way that actually did help rather than causing so much more stress. It is not fair that you need to deal with Centrelink and the housing situation. It is not fair that your life got so messy and muddled. It shouldn't have happened. The problem is that it happened, and all the positive reframing in the world won't change the objective fact that it should not have happened. Can you tell that I'm still mad at your psychologist for challenging you on the idea of "should."

I'm glad that Dr. Havetodo and I get to come along to all your appointments. And yes, I DEFINITELY close my eyes during the yucky bits. At least the train ride sounds fun. We can practice our slow breathing and relaxation techniques together on the train. Maybe I will even sneak out of your handbag briefly so that I can look out the window.

I can totally hear how overwhelming everything is right now @CheerBear. Don't forget to yoga will you! Yoga is good for super puddled brains. I think the times when it seems way too hard to be bothered yoga-ing, are the very best times to be yoga-ing.

Don't forget that I am always here, even when I am not. Schrodinger had a cat, you have a turtle.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Haha! @Phoenix_Rising Re: Nutella. 😂
You could be right. ✔

Seems to be so predictable re me stepping out to try and have a life. Physically I always fall apart. I'll try again when I feel stronger. But I'll have to remember not to stay out all day. 😮
Sooo frustrating, feel like crying, but can't.
If I remember correctly Fridays are busy for you. I hope you have a good day. 💗



In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hello @Former-Member, @CheerBear, @Phoenix_Rising, @Zoe7

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Shaz51 👋💗😙

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

How are you today @Former-Member, we are a bit better than yesterday xx

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm heading to my psych appointment today, which was the appointment this week that I have been most worried about. It's been playing on my mind for the past month, when the biggest 'should' challenge and hypomanic episode words happened. Today feels scary enough that sleep was almost non-existent last night.

I hate that I am in a position where I need this support of my psych now more than ever because of c-link, even though I know that it's not doing much good for my head at the moment. The message I get constantly from anyone who sees this mess, is that I need to allow myself time to move past what's happened and that it is very hard to begin moving past it when things are still happening (which I very much agree with). Unfortunately the whole c-link system doesn't seem to agree, and that's why I really do need my psych right now. It would be a mistake for me to do what I desperately want to do today, and tell them that while the work we've being doing for lots of years has been very helpful in the past, it's no longer helping me and feels like it is actually harmful for me. I'm back in a position where I need to shut up and be quiet about something that's hurting me and that I really don't want to shut up about, and that's not good for my mashed head right now.

I'm worried about getting hold of the evidence document I need for c-link today. Following the aftermath of last weeks housing interview and then the referral letter earlier this week, I am not feeling confident that I have the ability to manage the effects of being confronted with the mess in big words on paper, particularly when those words will be directed straight at my head. I am definitely not confident that I'll be able to tolerate having it questioned by someone I don't know who will be making a big decision about my life in an interview next week.

I have a plan today though, and plans always help me. I'm going to take a big breath and feel my feet on the ground, tell myself that I have done what feels impossible to do more times in the last year than I could have imagined ever having to do, hold on to the knowledge that it is one person's perspective on my muddle (and their perspective is not at all a surprise given what career they have), and remind myself that it is the 18th of August 2017 and none of the bad stuff is actually happening again even though it might feel like it is. There is yet to actually be something that has proven to 'have me' and I do have a 100% success rate of 'got this' even when it feels like it's 'got me'. Part of the plan is also to listen to and sing the llama song and the duck song as often as I want, and carry a mermaid psychiatrist in my pocket who is great at doing no harm, as a fall back for if things go totally belly up. I probably won't mention this last part of the plan to anyone writing any important letters over the next little bit.

So with that I am taking a big breath and am off on this adventure. I feel really bad that I am here in the nest being consumed by my own stuff at the moment, and so much want to be back to a more stable headspace where I can step beyond it and give a bit back. I hope I will get back to being able to do that once these tricky appointments are over with in the next few days. I do very much care about how my friends and not-friends here are getting on, I'm just a bit caught up in the muddy muddle. Am thinking of lots of you often though.

Hope today has good in it for everyone.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I love them @Zoe7 thank you 💗 I was up with Noodle cat last night sitting with you and Mazarita and F&H. I don't think you could see me, but I was midnight (early morning) snacking on gelato in TOR dreaming of places I have never seen that you were all talking about. It was really lovely. Sending you big love Zoe x
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