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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Phoenix_Rising - thank you for saying that it shouldn't be this hard. Thank you for understanding that, even without knowing exactly what is so hard at the moment. It's good to hear you are feeling better. I hope you sleep well tonight.

@Former-Member - hope you sleep well too. Your stuff is hard but you're getting through it bit by bit. It does suck though.

Good night @Shaz51 🙂 Sweet dreams.

I'm heading to bed to watch some rubbish episodes for a while now. Night all 👋

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Night @CheerBear 😴

I can only guess what op is coming up for you. I feel for you and hope that you have some good support in your life. You must be a strong person to cope with everything that goes on in your life and I hope things settle down for you soon.

So much for an early night. I've been trying to sleep for ages. Have taken extra meds. So incredibly exhausted, but can't switch off. Just took another half, surely that will help. Can barely read or type, my eyes are so tired.
It's more the "family" stuff that's affecting me tonight. Bumped into someone and chatted about my dysfunctional family and this person sees what goes on. She's been confronted by one of my siblings and can't believe how full of anger she is. She can be a real b####. I'm glad others see it and it makes me know I've made the right decision to stay away from them. So I was triggered big time again. Bro triggers me the most . I can't hear anything about him without being triggered into a panic attack.
I hope that you don't mind me raving on here. I worry I'm being a pest and if I should make my own thread to rave on. Especially when you are going through so much yourself.
Please dont feel obligated to reply. You need to take care of yourself.
There's so much to say, but I can't reveal too much, because who knows who's reading.
Something else very upsetting happened today as well. Well I will try and sleep again.
Rambling on here. 😂
💟

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning 🙂

I think we all have to be pretty strong to face all the things we do @Former-Member, though I don't feel very strong sometimes. Thank you for getting it too, without needing to know it. I have an appointment with the surgeon next week and maybe will know more then.

I really feel for you with your family stuff. I feel sad when I hear about families being behind lots of emotional damage. I hope it helped to chat to the person you bumped into. Talking about things can really stir stuff up for a while (this is driving my shakiness at the moment too), though once it settles hopefully it helps. For you it seems like it is a good decision to have removed yourself from all the mess, but at the same time that in itself has caused mess. It's all hard! It shouldn't be this hard for any of us. I hope sleep came in the end. Huge bug hugs.

I really love having you here Bella, as I love having the company of everyone who pops past or hangs out here. I promise that I don't think you're a pest or a burden or an anything 'negative', and whenever you (or anyone) wants to spill or vent or chat here, there's cushions cake, tea and caring ears (eyes). I like that the nest has now become big and busy enough that things can kind of get buried here too, yet there are people who understand and care who catch what's up. And who listen and don't judge. For as long as it's helpful for you to chat, please keep chatting. I really love your company Bella 💛

Have you got plans for today (sorry if you mentioned it)?

Today is a (hopefully) quiet day here, before things go up a notch tomorrow and Friday. I'm planning on taking advantage of the down time and the chance for a break by doing what I do (crochet - that's pretty much all I do at the moment :P) in my bean bag. I'll put an hour aside for housework and then the rest is just chill.

I hope it's a good day for anyone reading too 😊

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks @CheerBear 💗💕
I like being here, thanks for making feel welcome.
Sounds like "stuff" keeps going on in your mind too.
I wish I hadn't talked yesterday about it with the other person,but what's done is done.
Now I will just have to distract.
I always thought I'd be there for my mother, especially now she's so old. She's done her best and us a good person, but I can't pretend that nothing has happened. I can forgive and try to move on, but how can I pretend a lifetime of trauma never happened.
They want me to be the people pleaser victim again. Mostly it's ex bros fault ,but I'm an adult now and can't blame. I have to move on and not look at what I've lost, but what I have.
I have to rush now.
Thanks for understanding and for being so kind and caring.
Hopefully we can both have a time out day and try and rest.💟☕🍰

Hi to all, will chat more soon.
💜💕💟

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning @Former-Member, @CheerBear

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hope you have a good day @Former-Member 💛

Waving to @Shaz51 too 🙂 Hope it's a good morning for you and Mr Shaz

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi in the nest 🙂

Today has been a nice, calm day. I had an appointment with my counsellor which helped me talk over some more of the stuff that's been bubbling away this week. This is probably a bit of a venty, spilling, potentially confronting read, so heads up.
I've been big time struggling since my appointment with the nurse. It was tricky enough to do the appointment thing at all, but while I was there I got handed a copy of the referral to the surgeon, and being given it kind of tipped me over a bit as I found it incredibly confronting. Obviously it spoke about what is wrong and broken physically which in itself is hard to read, but it also had the added not-so-funness of what's wrong mentally with history of why. Words like 'victim', 'brutal DV', some mental health diagnosis words, and the words 'complicated by personality traits'. What's happening medically has the potential to send me in to lala land and is sort of related (maybe more than sort of and I have probably been in a bit/a lot of denial that it is, so this was very hard to 'see' and take in). I get the importance of giving whoever is about to dive in to this mess the heads up that I am a bit shaky, but it was all shades of hard to do and probably shook me up more.
I struggle thinking that this history stuff even exists in my story, let alone is known by what feels like absolutely everyone now, and I seem to have little control over who knows what. I kept it so quiet for so long, and when the big bang happened, everyone found out. I struggle with words, and just the term DV can do my head in. Hearing it said from certain people, is one of my pet peeves. I struggled reading victim, for lots of reasons. I struggled seeing the word brutal and had to look more than once because I thought my eyes were playing a trick on me that it was there. It was hard to see it next to my name and also hard to imagine what abuse isn't actually brutal in the first place. I struggled lots with the idea that things are complicated by my personality, because I don't think they are, and don't think it is neccessary to add to things like this. I think things are complicated because I am a thinking, feeling human being and not a robot, living in a world where terrible things happen to people. I think it's easier sometimes for people to say that some people struggle in life because of who they are and try and 'fix' that, than it is to say that the world can be a 'brutal' place for people to live in, and fix that instead. I think there are a whole lot of gender issues at play that make this work more often in one direction than the other, and I hate that this is part of certain people's perspective on my muddle. It hurts me to think of how much the blame for the mess that my life is in, is put on my thinking process, or my personality traits, or my inability to accept what has happened, or my whatever. Ugh. I struggle with how much I struggle.
So that's all going down. I don't have to worry about it until my appointment next week now, and now my head is a bit clearer on it all, I feel more able to sit with it until then. I wanted to share with the nest crew because it's bubbling, and bubbling can turn into popping/exploding for me unless it is released carefully. No need to reply, it helps just to vent a bit. I have my psych appointment in a couple of days and hopefully a bit of this venting/working out stuff will prevent an explosion in their office if (when) further blame for this mess is placed squarely on my brain (or personality). Really, who wouldn't feel a bit mashed after it all?!
Off to do something big time fun with my wee little fishies now, to shake it off some more.
Thanks for listening 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good evening nesters,

@Former-Member I hope today ended up being an ok day for you. Reading about your family stuff reminded me why I walked away from my family of origin thirteen years ago. It is hard being alone...but not as hard as dealing with difficult family members!

@CheerBear I'm sorry you've had such a wonky day. I feel angry on your behalf that the report refers to personality traits. You are NOT the problem. As you said, you are a human being, not a robot. You have perfectly normal reactions to a totally abnormal situation. I have no idea how anyone can think it's ok to suggest that personality traits have anything to do with your muddle. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Cranky turtle!

Sometimes I lie in bed and contemplate how my life got so terribly muddled. It sounds like you do something similar @CheerBear. I think what you are describing regarding the report, is kind-of like what I felt when I got the very lengthy legal report done for the court case (in which I sued the church where I was abused). It really is very confronting to read something like that and think "did this REALLY all happen to ME."

Bad stuff happens and it super muddles brains. I guess we just need to hold onto the well-established fact that broken brains are fixable @CheerBear. We are moving forward in our respective muddles, however slowly. We can do this. We've got this! Oh and just in case it wasn't already blindingly obvious, clearly Squishy, Mr Seahorse, Dr Havetodo and I will be coming along with you when you have your operation adventure.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning everyone 💜💕

Not sure what to say about your message @CheerBear I'm very sad what you've been through, but words aren't coming easy. Ear ache/head etc..... Not a good day yesterday .
I'm still in bed now. Will get up soon. Had coffee and Nutella toast in bed.
Wasn't going to come on the forums, but didn't want to ignore your message.
Sending bug hugs to you. 😙💗💟

And thanks for the call out @Phoenix_Rising 💗
Hi to all, will chat when I'm not feeling so lousy.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Actually it was a Nutella crumpet 😀☕🍩
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