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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I said something concerning on Friday @Spookytookims. I've kept well away from that conversation since then. I think they know that a push could send me out of control, but they won't drop it. So i feel like they're trying to coax me into coming out with it now.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

He told me today that I said something about our housing situation that is the exact opposite of what I know I said. And he said it with such certainty that I now don't know if I said it. But I know the words I said, the exact words. I can remember because I said dates and told him what the house looked like. And he said 'yes' after I said that hearing that I said something I know I didn't say makes me wonder whether I am now starting to hear and see things that aren't real. @Spookytookims - this has bad news all over it

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

good... re the LF being looked after if needed.. then that's ok ... because understand not wanting to let them know unless absolutely necessary but good you have an avenue there... so that's at least something that can be ticked off. @CheerBear

So the biggest thing is if ordered it is taken out of your control? If that's it I can 100000% get that... that is exactly what I hated most when it happened to me. Well when I realised it had happened to me. But htat was instant.. not drawn out like this shite you are being put through. This is a whole new level of crap that I've never heard of before. Hell by now you could have been in and out and at least have that gold star and they'd only be monitoring you until they were sure you were ok. Not this endless well maybe you are going in tomorrow crap.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm logging off before I go completely totally mad @Spookytookims. Thanks for coming online. Sleep well. Hope things feel better for you soon too 💛

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear all the more reason to record everything that is said... for you peace of mind. Literally.

Goodnight.... not that I think you will have one but just hoping maybe you will zonk into a deep dreamless sleep because you are exhausted.

*waves*

Get this sorted @CheerBear or it will drive you crazy. Even if it means complying, doing the smiling and nodding thing @Phoenix_Rising talks about...and going in ... just to get this endless rollercoaster gone, so you can get back to some kind of normality. This is really not doing you any good at all (yeah stating the bleeping obvious I know! Sorry).

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I need to take a few steps back, waaaay back. I don't feel I can help you. I feel totally out of my depth because I have no experience or understanding to be able to "get" what is happening with you. I really really really want to be able to help you but I don't understand it. I'm absolutely worse than useless if I can't understand something to the level I need to. And in this case, not only am I out of reach, I'm not even in the same universe. (Assuming a multiverse of course :P).

So I'm going to pull back and let Phoenix_Rising help you. Because I think she's got this, where I just don't have a clue and am totally floundering.

i truly hope you get it worked out, and can emerge from your nest soon.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning @CheerBear,

Just letting you know that when you go to your meeting today, I will be sitting right there in your nest in your pocket.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Phoenix_Rising thank you so much. Knowing I'm not alone and that there are people who are ok to sit in my pocket and remind me that I am not alone, is most helpful thing I can feel right now.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear ❤❤❤

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Here in the nest I sit taller this afternoon because I feel a tiny little bit of pride.

I did something very scary and went to an appointment that I felt I had no choice in attending. I then did something scary and left after waiting too long and reminded some health professionals that leaving a scared and anxious person in a cold sterile clinic that feels hostile is not a good thing for their mental health. I then did something that felt very hard and I worked through some very big feelings with a person I felt betrayed my trust last week. I did it because i know in my heart that this person also doesn't like the processes they have to work under and that it would have been very hard for them too. I did it so I can take a step towards trusting people again, because living in fear of everyone is not the way I want to live. And then we did something even scarier upon my suggestion and we called the boats in white and I spoke to them and asked for their help. Because being as broken as I am I know that even if it is not right now, I need a break because I am overwhelmed and exhausted and while it is far from ideal, this may be the only way I can get a break. I feel better now that I know this is my choice. I can walk in tomorrow and get to know what is out there and put forward on record with a suppirt person on my side, what will and won't be good for me. I do want to work with the supports that are there in a way that is right for me, because I need a net if I fall. My little fish need me to have a net if I fall. I'm not planning on falling, but if I do I don't want to be too scared of the net. Even though I absolutely totally believe that net still needs to be looked at, and probably always will, with a healthy degree of caution.
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