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I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.
In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.
Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.
I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.
Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.
I'm going to get that coffee and sit in the sun for a bit , good idea @CheerBear, i will join you xoxo
In response to: I'm in a nest
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Me too @CheerBear@Mazarita .....
Hugs n hugs ....., 💜💐💕
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
MazaritaSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Hi @CheerBear, just checking in to see how are you are going. I'm still in my big fluffy dressing gown, sleeping on and off with my lurgy and chest infection. Woke up again just now thinking of you. Hope your emotions have settled somewhat. I love it when you said you had done the hardest thing on your list and survived. You rock, sister.
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Hi @CheerBear,
I am super glad you have survived your biggest challenge of the week, even though it sounds like it was super hard work. Good thing you have been practicing being a warrior - it sounds like you were a super warrior today!
CheerBear...I am in a super super super dark space...as in I've been on the phone to the helpline three times since my session with (A) yesterday and yet still my world keeps getting darker. The latest brain snap explosion happened after I "reached out" to (A) for help a couple of hours ago. She responded to my emailed request for help by saying we could have another session tomorrow or Friday. Something about that makes me feel sick. The message I hear from (A) is "I get paid even when I cause harm to you during a session and hey, if you want help dealing with the harm I caused, I need to get paid more money." I feel dirty, disgusting and worthless. I am not worth one second of her time that she doesn't get paid for. It makes me feel so so so SO yuck.
I feel utterly trapped and hopeless and when I got (A)'s email I came about half a millimetre away from calling it quits. I don't know what to do anymore. I had to turn down a tutoring gig because my brain is so fried. Even the bit of my brain that normally works isn't working right now. I'm going backwards at an amazing rate. I want to die, CheerBear. I know that is intense, but it is simply where I am at right now. I don't know how to keep trying anymore. I feel so totally and utterly worthless. There simply isn't any help out there for me. I can't find it. I can't find a way forward and I am going backwards. I want to die. I have nothing in the world to live for. I feel flooded with the feelings of worthlessness. (A) tells me she cares about me...and yet she refuses to speak to me without getting paid for it...even when she is the one that caused the distress. How is that care? How does that make sense? I have totally sunken into despair and I don't know how to get out, CheerBear. I feel super super super scared.
Thank you for listening.
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@Mazarita - it's been a really hard one today, but I'm ok (not ok but ok) enough now thanks. The sunshine and a teary phone call helped me feel a bit more calm and able to be ok with not being so ok this afternoon. I hope your rest day has been helpful for you, your dressing gown has been snuggly, and that the sick passes as quickly as it came on 💛
@Phoenix_Rising - I am so sorry to hear things are as dark as they are. I am listening and caring a lot. I can definitely understand how it feels A doesn't care and isn't able to help. Because it's been such a shaky day here, I'm doing something fun with the LF and taking them out for sundaes (which is throwing puffer fish off because it's on Wednesday) soon. Would you like to come too? I know sundaes won't fix anything, but they surely can't hurt, can they? Unless we eat them too quickly and get a brain freeze I suppose, but even then maybe brain freeze pain will be a nice change from scrambled, fried and mashed brain pain. Thank you for trusting me earlier and for being so open and real now, even when it is intense. I have a bucketload of respect and care for you.
Thanks for the nest company today, for those who have been with me. I seriously appreciate it.
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Shaz51Senior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear
In response to: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear I would super like to come for sundaes. I will have a chocolate one - obviously. I love that puffer fish is unsure about having a sundae on a Wednesday. 😆
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
One chocolate sundae coming right up @Phoenix_Rising. Hope you enjoy it 🙂
Puffer fish just couldn't get past the Wednesday sundae thing today and went for a hot chocolate instead 😉
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBearA chocolate sundae that is taller than me is definitely what I need right now! (A) emailed again and reignighted the fire. This wave is really really really tough, CheerBear. I'm so tired of trying to take baby steps to heal my brain, only to see my efforts smashed. I know you understand. I know you experience this too. I know we both seem to have a remarkable talent for getting flattened by unexpected bulldozers.
Well...nothing is going to happen around here tonight except treeing, warrioring and staying alive-ing. The day is marching on. I had better go and be a warrior so that I can report in that I've done so. I'm super glad we have lots of forumites joining our adventure. I know if I didn't have that source of motivation, I would never stay committed to doing this every day. I will see you on our yoga thread.
Ps. Tell puffer fish that EVERY day is sundae!!!!!
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Good morning in the nest.
Last night was another big struggle night but sleep seems to have helped clear my head.
I know that identifying myself in the interview yesterday was the right thing to do. When we were first placed in the program, I spent a couple of months seeking support with the house and the explosive landlord from the housing organisation, and was shut down, dismissed, told it didn't matter etc. until I just gave up trying. I had an opportunity to communicate with them yesterday and took it.
I needed to do it for the bigger picture too, because it isn't ok to take women and children from refuge and put them into a housing program where they're told (rather than asked) by a man what is good for them and what they need, where they're laughed at for asking to have some input into their life and housing, and placed into unaffordable housing in unsafe situations, then left to figure it out. It isn't ok to live in fear of upsetting an intimidating male landlord or male housing worker, particularly when you're a female who has 'fled' a life tarnished with fear and intimidation from a male.
Life was almost so great, but when my sensible brain is working, I can see that always there was the very real fear of "it" happening, which it did. I am so glad that we're out of the path of the storm now. It's come at an enormous cost, but it's the most important thing. The aftermath of it all is that really though, we've just swapped one set of issues for another, and the dynamics (power, control, fear etc) aren't gone, they've just shifted too. They now sit with a housing organisation, with professionals who 'should' know and do better, and in systems that are broken. Through big tears and huge heart pain, I said all of that in the interview.
I spent years living with him in damage control mode, then years living away from him in harm minimisation mode. I was terrified of speaking up as I knew the consequences of it would be huge. When I had exhausted all other options I did speak up, and the big bang was the result. I hate living in fear of speaking out and standing up for what is right and I don't want to do it anymore. Things tend to get worse for me when I speak up, but my heart burns with passion for our right as people to live as who we are are, our right to live a life free from fear and violence, and our right to speak out against and fight injustice. This stuff is at the core of who I am. Not being able to live in a way that is true to who I am, is more painful that living with the consequences of actually being who I am. I stood up and fought in that interview, as shakily as I did, because that's me and who I am, and today I feel better for having done so. I don't want to not be me just because it is easier for others anymore. I can hold my head up high and know that at least I was really me again, even if it sucked to me be yesterday.
Today my plan was for a bit of a recovery day as I am really tired from the last couple of days. I planned to work on my blanket as I am up to the most annoying round and it is taking me a long time to get through. On my walk home from LF drop off this morning, I found some thing that definitely shouldn't be lying around the streets, so my plan changed and I have spent my morning working out what to do about it. I have a counselling appointment in a moment and will then deal with this thing and hopefully get to my blanket later today.
I hope today has some good in it for anyone reading.
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