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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member - sounds really overwhelming yesterday 😞 Sometimes I can forget to ask things when I'm hit with lots of information, or information that is confronting. You're right that worrying doesn't really change something, but it's so hard not to do sometimes. Great to hear you've found a book that might be helpful. Hope in any form is so important. I'll check it out and see if one of the local libraries here has it.

My appointment was good thanks. I started talking about some really tough stuff today. It's taken a long time to open up about this stuff, but keeping it in isn't helping me anymore either. It just swirls around in my head and I don't really get anywhere with it, so out it's coming. We are being really careful and I know I'm in full control of what I talk about and what I don't, so that's a great start.

I started the process of getting an ESAt (employment services assessment) for c-link today as my medical certificate runs out in a couple of weeks. It's terrifying too and I am dreading it. The best that I can hope for is a referral to a disability employment services provider rather than a non-disability/standard one. I'll find out more next week when the social worker is back. Things are really piling up again now, and there's so little I can do about it all except chip away where I can, and do my best to stay calm through it all. Lots of breathing, crocheting, treeing and feet on walling I think.

Cup of tea time and then I'd better think about getting some dinner ready. It's cold and dreary this afternoon - perfect pj and ugg weather.

💗

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

My appointment was good thanks, that`s good @CheerBear xx

hello @Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope, @outlander, @Phoenix_Rising

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm glad you were able to open up today @CheerBear
It does help.
I can imagine that you are concerned about looking for work when you feel that you're not ready. I really hope the social worker at centrelink will be able to help you.
It's stressful being pushed into something we're not ready for.
Hopefully your library won't mind ordering the book for you.
I'm having a cuppa now too.
Forced myself out for a walk.
Now I'm going to watch TV and try and rest.

Hi @Shaz51 💜

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I will have a cuppa with you my sister @Former-Member xxxxxxx

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good evening @Former-Member @Shaz51 @CheerBear @Faith-and-Hope @outlander and anyone else here in the nest.

Forum Land is getting bigger and bigger isn't it! I am working at limiting my time here and it is super tricky to fly around all the threads and chat to all the people I want to.

@CheerBear I can imagine how stressful the whole employment assessment thing might be. I know that pretty much anything to do with centrelink is stressful! I still live in constant fear of getting booted off the DSP before I'm in a position to support myself. I am so very very grateful for it and I truly feel for those who are struggling on NewStart. It makes me so angry that systems such as centrelink make life that much harder than it needs to be for people who are already struggling.

I have had an ok day. I spent more of it snuggled under my blanket than I would have liked, but I did do a tutoring session with my stats student this morning and I did have my change-the-world adventure last night so I'm trying to be ok with having needed a bit of recovery time this afternoon.

I hope everyone has a nice day tomorrow. Hopefully I will be at my volunteering gig. It is raining torrentially right now, but assuming it stops by tomorrow, then I will be out there with kids and animals having fun. I hope to see you all at Friday Feast tomorrow.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Sounds like a nice day organised @Phoenix_Rising
I hope the rain eases too.
I hope tomorrow's a good day for you too 💜 💜

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning nesters. This is a super quick flyby before I head out to my volunteering gig on what has turned out to be a super sunny day in Sydney.

@CheerBear I just had to tell you that last night my mermaid psychiatrist told me what her name is. Apparently she is Dr. Havetodo. I'm so super glad I have her. I'm not entirely confident that she will be able to fix my brain, but given my remarkable lack of success in finding anyone else, she will simply have to do.

See you at Friday Feast!

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Big time struggle day after a hard night here. It feels like it's all caught up with me. I've done everything I can think of to try and make living like this feel ok, but today is one of those days where I want to give up trying. I was shaky last night and then an incident on the street this morning outside the house (needing police) has tipped me over. It happens lots here and it makes feeling happy and positive about everything, really hard. It hits home so much that this life is not the one I planned for and not the one I wanted. It's so hard to keep trying to make life better when there seems to be so many things that stand in the way of it happening, all the time.

I sucked it up and went to my group, feeling miserable and like it was the last thing I wanted to do, but like it is really important to do the opposite when my feelings brain turns off my thinking brain. Today there were lots of lovely happy photos being taken to share with the big wide world, and I had to stand to the side and watch it all. Usually I'm ok enough with that stuff, but today it stung a lot. I feel for my LF who have to do it all the time because it sucks heaps. I walked out feeling worse than I did before I went in.

I'm sad and want out now but I'm stuck. I worked so hard to get out and make a good life for us, and this is what it has come to and it's not ok today. My CM is coming over to see if we can work something out.

@Phoenix_Rising - I am going to have a chat with Dr Havetodo and think I will feel better after it. She will know that there is no magic pill that can fix a life full of crap, and she won't try to make me see it any other way. She'll just sit and listen to me feel sad and let me be sad and we will both know that I'll be ok again soon. I love her name and I love that she told you her name. I hope your day with the little people and the animals is a good one.

Hope everyone else is having a good day

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

💜💐💕 @CheerBear ......

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear sorry you're having a hard time wish there was something I could do to make it better for you just know I am thinking of you 🌈🌴🌺💛💕
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