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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

<p>Your sleep talking has made me smile a lot, thank you&nbsp;<li-user login="Phoenix_Rising" uid="5253"></li-user>&nbsp; :)</p>
<p>Sweet dreams&nbsp;</p>

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear, I read your earlier post. Hugs for the confusions of diagnosis. And for the difficulty of the session with your psychologist. I remember thinking something similar after a session with a psychiatrist I had many years ago. Feeling like we are the ones who are told to take the responsibility for things that are problems in the wider social world. But I didn't like or trust that psychiatrist and I didn't see her for long. Sounds like a different, and in other ways very helpful, relationship you have with your psychologist.

I wish I had a magic wand to ease your painful feelings. Sending love.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you @Mazarita, both for taking the time to read my long post and for your reply. So many times over the weekend I wanted to share that particular part of the trickiness of the appointment with you. Regardless of what words are given to it, I do struggle to find balance (it think it wasn't long ago that we were chatting about difficulty finding middle ground). Thinking that you've probably struggled to find your version of balance over the years, yet you're able to find peace, acceptance and calm (though also understanding you still have your struggles) feels like hope.

I felt my brain fizz almost, just before it happened a couple of weeks ago. It felt like everything was turned on, and something was definitely not right. I thought it was my medication, as I've always been sensitive to meds, so I made an appointment with my GP just before it went bang, and decided to taper off my atypical AD. I think it is going to be better in the long run. Right now it is probably contributing to the yuckiness of it all though, especially given how I have 'tapered' 😔. Big time my bad on this one, but at least the physical sickness has subsided a little now.

I guess I'm just going to have to wait and see what to from here. I'm not sure if I should mention it to my mh worker, but think it might be important as she saw me while it was happening and when I mentioned it then asked her thoughts her answer was 'I'm not the person to ask'. We came to the conclusion it wasn't likely as psych hadn't said it before. But now they have and I don't know what, if anything, it means. Maybe it isn't such a big deal but maybe it is. I can't work it out. It doesn't need working out right now, and now I've at least shared it I might be able to move on to focusing on this week and what will help this week.

With all the other things that were difficult about the appointment, it was a big whammy.

Sorry Mazarita, that was another venty spill. Thank you for your hugs and for your love. I can feel them.

I'm going to try and sleep now. Hope you sleep well tonight and tomorrow is a good one for you 💗

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear, sending you a message to read tomorrow.

I can really understand how that part of the session would have been confronting. I am still processing that my struggles over my lifetime have been clearly diagnosed now as bipolar 1. It's changed something for me to get that clarity, but I think it may be in a good way too, possibly helpful different understandings of my life. For you though... well, ideally worry wouldn't come into it until that diagnosis was clearly stated. It sounds like there's a fair bit of doubt too.

I think I get the way you might have 'tapered'. I've been unwise with medications myself. I think most of us do it for very understandable reasons. It seems possible to me though that this could be affecting how you are perceiving the session itself. But, even if this is what's going on and we know it, we still have to go through it. More hugs.

Hope you sleep well tonight.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning in the nest 🙂

It took ages for me to fall asleep last night (the medication was one that helped with sleep so this is one downside of stopping it) but once I got there I slept well. I woke up to Noodle giving my head some cat love by banging in to it and purring loudly, and the littlest fish cuddled up to me after making their way in to my bed at some point during the night. It was a warm fuzzy kind of start to the day 🙂

The plan this morning is to go to the crafty group and work on my blanket. I realised how much operation get some routine has made it difficult to do all the other things I need to do (like washing), so I don't really want to go today and would rather spend the day getting on top of the housework instead. I'm going to go for an hour rather than stay for the whole time, just to say hi to the people I met last week and do the group as planned, and then get on to the other things I need to do. I think it is important to stick to the plan.

@Mazarita thanks for the chat last night. The medication mess is very likely to be adding to the feelings at the moment and perhaps making it harder to move past things. This psych situation has been brewing for a little while though and maybe the double hit on Friday plus the medication mess and the fact that last week I had gone way beyond my usual comfort level to try things to help me get out of stuck (like yoga, community groups etc) and was feeling good about things walking in to the appointment, has all just merged into one big 'why bother trying'. But then I realise it is just one person's opinion and I question why I am taking it on so much, and then the big cycle begins again. It's so frustrating. I'm so frustrated!

I read about your difficult feelings following the clarity over your diagnosis and feel for you. It sounds confronting, though maybe helpful also in the long run. Self-reflection and examination can be really hard work. Important but tricky.

What's everyone up to today (if you'd like to share)?

Better get moving. Hope it's a good day ahead for you all 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear,

I totally agree with you about the "shoulds." There are shoulds in this world. Children should be safe from sexual abuse. People should refrain from abusing their partners. The basics of life such as food, water and shelter should be available to every human being. There is nothing in the world wrong with "shoulds."

I wonder, does your psychologist believe that clients should call if they need to cancel an appointment??? I would suggest that most do.

But then, what would I know, because apparently my thinking is "too black and white" according to...well...pretty much every person who has ever engaged with me. But you know what @CheerBear? In recent years I've started to think that yes, I AM black and white in my thinking, and I'm ok with that. I believe that post-modern society is simply too grey. I DO believe that there is right and wrong and truth and falsehood and good and evil. It just happens that at this particular moment in history in western society, the trend is to reject these ideas and instead see things as shades of grey. It's simply not cool to talk in absolutes...but that doesn't make it pathological!

I agree with you that your stuckness is because of the stuff that happened. I would imagine that when the stuff is properly processed, you will naturally move past it. Trying to force the moving-past-it stage makes no sense to me. Moving past it will be a natual consequence of processing it. I think perhaps that is maybe a difference between a CBT approach and a more trauma-informed approach. CBT is all about using the front bit of your brain to do things like challenge faulty cognitions, whereas we know from TBKTS that trauma impacts bits of our brain further back. No amount of CBT will change the physiological reactions to trauma. At least, that's my understanding of the argument put forward in TBKTS.

I totally hear you re. the DSM @CheerBear!!! It seems to me that society has done such a good job of pushing the medical model of mental illness, that people really think these diagnoses are actual entities like cancer cells or bacteria. People seem to forget that diagnosing a mental illness is simply a matter of ticking boxes and as you say, a lot of different labels have the same boxes.

What would it mean to you if you did figure out you may have bipolar? My understanding is that the mood swings of bipolar are quite amenable to medication, unlike the big feelings of BPD. One of the reasons BPD is so stigmatized is because medication is so ineffective. Indeed the treatment guidelines say that although you might use medication to treat comorbid anxiety and depression, medication really shouldn't be used to treat BPD per se.

If you actually sit down and read the DSM, it does talk about things like how to do a differential diagnosis between various disorders. I think most mental health professionals miss that bit and that's why people end up with a whole shopping list of diagnoses.

I went through an extremely brief period of being diagnosed with bipolar way back at the start of my muddle. A psychiatrist saw me for five minutes and made the diagnosis. It was ridiculous. Bipolar in no way explains the massive attachment issues that I have. These fit squarely under the BPD label.

For me at this point in my life, my labels of BPD and ASD are important in that they help me understand my muddle and if I ever happen to find a good therapist, they can guide treatment. They also form a core part of my identity. I know people say you shouldn't let a diagnosis define you, but that makes no sense to me. If I didn't have BPD and ASD I would be an entirely different person. I am very proud of the fact that I have made it to forty living with BPD. Thus if someone was to suddenly say I didn't have it, that would invalidate the past twenty year struggle. So yeah, my diagnoses do define me...and I'm ok with that.

Labels are also important when it comes to getting support. For example, I am on the DSP on the basis of having a formal diagnosis. Without the label, I wouldn't have got the DSP. Is that stupid? Yep, but it is the way society works. So to say that labels are unimportant is overly simplistic.

Wow, that all turned into a bit of a rant didn't it. Maybe I need to put a disclaimer in that I'm having my own vent as much as I am responding to your post.

As to the last point of your post, I have no idea @CheerBear. We are definitely stuck in that particular muddle together. I super badly want to change the world...but could I ever really function in such a dysfunctional system? And do I even want to? I'm super hoping that therapist-take-eleven will be a good match and will be able to help me unmuddle this core part of my muddle.

It certainly is all a giant muddle right now @CheerBear. I wish I had some answers for you, but alas, all I can do is sit here in the mud with you.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Phoenix_Rising thank you for reading my long post and for your reply. I truly value your insight and experience, and so much appreciate the time we spend together but not, in the mud. I'm so much hoping things go well for you tomorrow.

Today has been a good day. I felt a weight lifted a little when I shared what I did here. I find it hard to sit with something that feels big and be scared of and unable to share it with someone, but having it want to come out anyway.

This morning I went to the group thing. It was nice last week but today it was heaps more than just nice. I really connected with the other women there, as we shared some pretty big stuff. We also laughed quite a lot. I love it when things go really well in ways I totally didn't expect. I ended up staying for the whole time and on the way out the group leader (who is somewhat blunt and possibly would be intimidating to some/many) said 'don't be one of those ones that comes and doesn't come back - I like you' which made me feel good and have a quite laugh. I love when women get together and connect, especially when there's crafty creative stuff involved too. I'll definitely go back next and am once again feeling happy I did the opposite to what my brain tried to tell me to do this morning.

The LF and I are off on an adventure tonight doing more of the same kind of thing, just in a more family/fish friendly way. It takes heaps of organisation to get everyone ready up and out but hopefully it will be worth it too.

I'm going to stick with this plan because it feels a whole lot nicer to try to unstick myself this way, than to address things that I am either not ready for or that aren't working well for me 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I super love the fact that you had such a great day at your group. I think ultimately, laughter is the best medicine and I am so glad you have people to laugh with in the real world.

I ended up calling the SANE helpline around 4:30pm. I had been trying since 10am to deal with my big feelings re. therapist-take-eleven and I ended up needing some help. Talking about laughter being the best medicine, when I told @Former-Member one of my big concerns about therapist-take-eleven she started laughing, which made me laugh...even though the situation really really isn't funny. Lunar said it sounded like a movie and I was like "I know! My life is one giant black comedy." Laughing about it definitely helped to shift the distress.

I am trying VERY hard to go into tomorrow's session with the hope that therapist-take-eleven is an amazing trauma informed psychologist who just happens to have a few quirks. How good a story would that make! If I could tell people around here that I had more doubts about my eleventh therapist than I had about any of the other ten attempts and yet she turned out to be awesome, how positive and encouraging would that be to others who are trapped in the hell of therapist shopping. Oh please please PLEASE let this be the case!!!!

Anyway, I guess I'll know in sixteen hours. I will be leaving early in the morning so I won't be around on here. I think the psychologist is about an hour's drive away, maybe a little more. I guess I will report in to the nest tomorrow afternoon. Surely SURELY this has to be a good fit. Please oh please world make therapist-take-eleven a good fit.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Phoenix_Rising. I very much believe in laughter being such good medicine. Laughing and connecting (laughing while connecting!) feels like soul food 🙂 I'm happy for you that you were able to have that laugh this afternoon. I'm so SO much hoping that T11 (that's therapist 11 until you give her an initial if you do, which was going to be TT11 but I like TT being kept as tiny turtle for now at least), is going to be awesome. What you're doing tomorrow is super brave. I will be thinking of you heaps tomorrow and will be here when you're ready and wanting to write about it.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you @CheerBear. I figure there is no point using her name (as in the intital I give her will be the first letter in her name) until I know if she is a keeper or not. I guess I probably won't actually know that after tomorrow, but at least I will have some idea. Something would have to go super wrong for me to sack her after one session. I think there has only been one person that I've done that with...and another person sacked me as a client after one session.

I have given most of my failed attempts at least three sessions. At least this time I know I still have (A) in my corner. That definitely helps. At least in that sense I'm not totally alone.

I hope you and the LF had fun at your thing this evening.

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