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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

So is this the second post on the page @CheerBear???

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I am getting super sleepy @CheerBear.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Superly duperly sleepy... @CheerBear

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

So three days later, after too much thinking about it, I am putting it down in with the hope that it will help to get it off my chest and out.

I've been struggling a bit with some things that I faced at an appointment with my psychologist. They're an experienced clinical psych, who knows me well and who I trust, and I value the work we have done over the years I've been their client. We can butt heads sometimes, but that also kind of works because it challenges me and either helps me see a different opinion, or makes mine stronger (mostly the latter 😉 ). While my appointments with them can be challenging, I rarely feel this bad afterwards.
I had my 'shoulds' challenged (again), and have been asked to try to turn them into 'coulds' but I just don't know how to. I don't know how to see 'people should be free to live without fear and violence', and 'I should be holding my degree' and 'I shouldn't have had to leave', and 'housing organisations should be able to house people in safe, affordable, secure housing' and 'mh and fv services should be trauma aware and sensitive' etc can be seen any other way. My 'shoulds' are apparently made worse with my 'black and white thinking' and no matter how much I try to understand cognitive distortions, or fill in and work through thought challenge worksheets, or reframe things or focus on my cans not my can'ts, I am really struggling with this. Psych thinks I am stuck because I can't move past these things. I think I'm stuck because it all happened in the first place. To me that's a really important distinction to make. I get that it is a whole lot easier to work with changing one person's brain at a time than it is to address the bigger social and cultural issues that were, and continue to be, at play in my muddle (and so many of our muddles in general). But to me the issues that are behind so many of our problems lie beyond an individual, and rest in the social world. When I think like this I question what I am doing seeing a psychologist, but I also know I have to address the mash that's happened in my head and part of doing that is getting some help from someone who knows heads well. It's a big mess.
I also mentioned the brain bang that happened the other week and how I had lots of trouble stopping. The words 'hypomanic epsiode' and 'bipolar' were given in return. They were said in a 'this looks like that and you need to be careful because of it' way, rather than 'this is what it is for sure' way, but I feel scared that they were said. I don't know exactly why I feel so funny about it, especially as I had mentioned it to my mh worker when it was happening, but I do. It's been a question before, though not for a long time and not from this psych, but hearing it the other day, did feel scary. I'm questioning all kinds of things about myself at the moment.
I'm scared that I'm missing something and I am scared that if I went looking for it I could find it. I am so frustrated that my stuck brain can't shift in a way that could be helpful for me. I hate the DSM with all of its overlapping of symptoms. I hate that the way I am could be labelled as so many things, and that what name is given to it is mostly dependent on who is looking at it rather than what I think. I don't know why I value an 'expert' opinion of me, especially when I am so anti most 'experts' way anyway. I don't know how to fix any of this any more than I am already trying to.
It all gets even harder I think, when part of this mess is that all my big dreams and hopes and goals were in working in some way or another in the industries that have been part of this mess. I can relate so well to this part of your muddle phoenix_rising. If I can climb my way out of the mud (and it's a big IF), and overcome the now enormous barriers to finishing study that I face, how am I going to be part of things that have caused me and so many people I have met along the way, so much pain and made the harder that much harder than it 'should' have been? There's another should but aside from 'this could have been easier if things were different', how else can I see it? I've lost my ability (at the moment) to reach where I wanted to go and where I'd worked so hard to be, but I also feel like I'm not even sure what those dreams are anymore.
It sucks to feel so stuck and it sucks to feel any worse than just being stuck makes me feel. I want out of stuck so badly but I don't know what beyond stuck looks like.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Soooooo sleepy @CheerBear.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Moving down the page, down down down... @CheerBear

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

There it is @Phoenix_Rising. It helps to have hit post finally. Thank you for helping me hit the middle of page 150. It's a looooong post and I don't expect you or anyone to read it or reply. It feels good that it is out of my draft email box and here now though.

I hope you sleep well tonight 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm too tired to actually read your post @CheerBear, I'm just talking in my sleep to make the page tick over.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

According to my calculations, this should be the tenth post on the page.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

...and this should be the first post on page 151, making your long post a whole page ago @CheerBear. That's old news.

I will read it when I get into bed. Night.

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