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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Phoenix_Rising My counsellor has opened her own rooms. She doesn't want to be told what she should do with her clients, so she is slowly changing her world. She said today being emotionally involved is just human. The thing that attracted me to her was she has a heart and isn't afraid to show it. Always professional, always respectful, always human, she's a gift to this world and me.

@CheerBear@Faith-and-Hope@Mazarita@Former-Member Happy nesting, sleep well.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Maggie your counsellor sounds awesome and very much like the elusive someone that I am so desperately seeking. It's always nice to hear the positive stories.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Phoenix_Rising The whole mental health system gave up on my. No psych would take me on. She was a last resort, put down her previous Techneiques and walks with me. They are out there, few and far between. I've even had a few short moments of believing someone on the earth actually cares about me, short but sweet.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

That is so superly duperly awesome @Maggie. I'm seeing therapist-take-eleven for the first time next Wednesday. Here's hoping that she too may be one of the rare special ones. I do know they are out there - that is what spurs me on to keep hunting. I am still grieving oh-so-deeply for my uni counsellor. If only ONLY I could find someone like her, I know I could heal my brain.

I do know that my current psychologist (A) cares...but she is quite open about the fact that she doesn't know how to help me actually heal my brain. I am however grateful for the social support that she is providing, and knowing she will stay until I settle with someone else is making this process a bit less painful than all the hellish experiences of last year.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good evening @CheerBear,

I noticed your absence from Forum Land today and I was hoping it was because you were busy having a fun adventure. However, it sounds like you had a difficult wonky day. I super hope the wonkiness isn't going to carry over into the weekend. Will you and your LF be back at your regular fun thing tomorrow?

My volunteering gig doesn't start back until next week and I had a bit of a wonky day today too. I was TRYING to work on the document that I plan to hand to therapist-take-eleven next week but it kept making my big feelings big. I ended up jumping on the phone and crying out my muddle to the lovely Pebbles who assured me that I'm not really a freak like I was telling her I am.

It is SO hard to make sense of my muddle. I seem to have a talent for traumatizing anyone who comes near me in the real world...and I truly don't mean to and I truly don't have a sense of what it is about me that people struggle to be around. I was telling Pebbles about how I've had four restraining orders taken out against me over the years and numerous other people threaten legal action if I tried to make contact with them. How can that be? How is it that I can get along so well with people in the virtual world, yet in real life no one can stand being around me for very long. I feel so bewildered by the muddle and I so very VERY badly want to find someone who can help me unmuddle it.

Anyway, I hope you and the LF have a good weekend. I plan to stay off the forum as much as I can over the weekend. I feel I've been spending too much time on here lately and I need to find that healthy balance again.

I did one of the online yoga classes from that website this morning and I'm going to try and do another one tomorrow. I'm so super glad we are having our yoga adventure together. I will be here even when I'm not over the weekend, and I will definitely be snuggling into your pocket each night.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm feeling very down. I have tried to write about it and get it out but I can't. I've tried replying but can't. I have tried to do other things but it doesn't take away the feeling like it's all there, just being bottled up and waiting for the lid to go pop.

I guess it doesn't really matter why or what happened anyway because what matters now is that I'm feeling like this now.

Edit - My finger hit post before I had finished, but that was probably a good place to finish anyway.

Tonight I feel jumbled and sad after an appointment and am really frustrated with myself and my stuck brain. Tomorrow I hope that things will feel better in the light of a new day as they often do. It won't change that things are still the same as today and it won't give me today back, or yesterday, or last month, or the last many months. But maybe it won't feel as bad in the morning.

Hope everyone sleeps well tonight. I will again appreciate the pocket visit tonigh @Phoenix_Rising

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear ❤ ❤ ❤

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear here with you my friend as you say tomorrow is another day I'm having overwhelming feelings tonight too can I sleep in your nest tonight I need it thanks

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Pepsimax thank you 😞 I'm sorry you're feeling it too. Tucking up in a nest sounds like a great idea for us both 💗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I am right here in your pocket. Whatever the muddle is, I will sit with you through it. We can sit in the muddy puddle of a muddle together. Tonight is sleeping time. We can start swimming again in the morning.
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