I'm in a nest

I'm okay.
Massively struggling with a statistics assignment at the moment. And I have a big exam on Friday.
Head's been okay-ish recently.
Scared about therapy tomorrow.
How do you find therapy? Does it scare you? It scares the willies out of me.
I'm glad to see you're feeling better.

@Former-Member - I LOVE those knitted creatures. I'm a huge fan! I've found creating little critters to be really therapeutic. I keep a turtle (or a @Phoenix_Rising ) I made in my handbag and pocket to go on adventures with, to hold and tuck in my pocket, and to remind me of the good when I'm struggling.

How long until this term of uni is over @Former-Member? I think you asked Teej about therapy so I hope it's ok to join in too. Sometimes I get a bit nervous when it comes time for talking (therapy) but that's mostly when I know I'm likely to put something big out there. It helps me a lot to be able to trust and feel comfortable with my 'talking to people', and have found as the relationship has developed the scary feels less scary. I'm completely terrified of therapy with people I don't know, especially clinical people, though. From memory you're in the early-ish stages of working with your therapist? I think it's ok to feel a bit nervous before hand and probably pretty common. How do you find you are after your session?

@Phoenix_Rising - glad to hear A didn't do any more harm. Wishing for you that A did 'help' rather than 'not harm', though I can see that may be a bit of a stretch at the moment.

I lost my post on my phone so it's gone for good. But like @Former-Member said, sometimes just writing helps. I have lots of not posted posts that have been helpful. I want to write it out because it feels important to share where I am at with people who get it. I've been in a totally funky headspace for the last couple of days. I've struggled to stop and it's a bit scary as stopping will happen sometime and I'm scared of stopping because I'm scared I won't be able to start again. I'm scared of going along like this for too long as well. I can't really work out what my adventure was last night but I had fun so I'm leaning to more good. I'm not really thinking too much about it because it is worth about zero moments of thought I think.

I'll keep an eye out in the ocean to read more about today.

The last few days were really hard in a weird way. The car thing was maybe just one too many things at the moment and I think something went pop in my head under all of the stress. With no LF around to focus on, all I could see was just how messy things are. I felt a big pang of fear that it was all getting way too much and way too hard again. I am still so scared that I will sink or drown or suffocate under it all one day so I think what happened is I went straight into do anything except stay still mode. I couldn't stop doing and fixing and going and moving. I barely slept, I didn't eat and I did a ridiculous amount of things. A lot of the things I did were helpful and important things which is good, but I found myself with an on switch that could not be turned off. My MH worker came over yesterday and by the time she did I was in a really strange space. We worked on making a routine for the week that would help me have outlets for this energy that would take the focus off the big giant stressors and give me some structure. I think this is really important because I have a history of struggling terribly to find the middle ground when I am under stress. I either exhaust myself doing everything and more, or become so overwhelmed I can't move. It's less of an issue when I have something to focus on like LF or study, but with them back at school next week and study being so incredibly painfully far away from now, I really need something to try to stop me from attempting to fix the unfixable all the time. It's been scary and hard and I tried to come online a few times hoping that by sitting and posting and reaching out, I would slow myself down, but I was so chaotic that I couldn't even do that. It helped lots last night to sit with my cup of tea and spend some time here. Forum land is helpful.

My plan is to start looking for a couple of things to do during the week. I have yoga one day, I want to set a goal to ride three times during the week, and I will look for some community groups to join as well. I'm hoping to find a quiet little crafty group of women and tea where I can take my crochet project and just sit for a couple of hours. I went out yesterday as planned to try and find something to wear to yoga @Phoenix_Rising, and found all kinds of sports wear on clearance which was so exciting. I then found that all of being on clearance meant that it was seriously overwhelming and I couldn't make a decision, so I had a suffocating moment of panic and left. I tried though, and will try again today before I head out to pick up the fish. I will get there next week and think that having this as a together but not thing is definitely helping me to get there. On my way racing through to get out of the shop I picked up a jacket that was incredibly cheap and super cool looking to wear when I ride. My biggest concern with riding at the moment is the freezing wet weather, so this waterproof warm but not hot jacket, is a big start to getting back on my bike. I will plan to go out with a time limit of an hour and a half/two hours, because this is about finding some balance which for me definitely means keeping it under control and in check more than it does actually doing the things when I am like this. Once I get my routine sorted that will take priority over anything else (LF not included), because this is the stuff that will keep me grounded and stop me from drifting too far into lala land.

So that's the 'have now slept and feel a little better' version of the lost post. It's this morning's way of saying that things aren't exactly smooth sailing at the moment, and that there are a heap of red flags happening. I can see them though and am paying attention to them which is a really big positive. Your post before you shut down your laptop meant a lot @Phoenix_Rising - thank you. Knowing that there are people who know without knowing or needing to know exactly, means heaps. You saying that support is here without me needing to write anything felt so good to hear too @Former-Member. Seeing you here last night @Former-Member was great timing, kind of like when you said you landed on the ladder/torch post last night. It's funny how timing works sometimes. Forumland timing almost always seems to work in the good funny way.

Wishing you well for your appointment today @Former-Member. Hope everyone has a good day.

A toga adventure @Phoenix_Rising 😂

A thread dedicated to yoga (and toga adventures) sounds great. I'm going to omit the whole TS thing from future posts related to it because that makes me a little nervy, but can definitely be part of that thread and part of a cheer squad (CheerBear in a cheer squad seems like a pefect match)!

The car situation is on it's way to being resolved thanks to a bank declining a small loan which was not unexpected but seriously annoying as I have the clear ability to pay it back but my situation is too much of a risk for them 😞 It means I now have no choice other than to pour silly amounts of money into fixing a car that's not worth it so I'm taking it in tomorrow. At least this stress will hopefully be over soon (unless there is more work needed than I can afford). Keeping calm right now. It will be ok and it will work itself out. It always does in the end. I have to try to remember that. Stressing over these what ifs isn't helpful.