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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hello @CheerBear, @Former-Member, @Maggie, @Phoenix_Rising, @Former-Member

how is your day going today xx

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @shz51 🙂 how's your day going? Is it your mum's birthday today?

Going well today thanks. Inside day with some extra people today which is fun. I stayed up way too lare last night and am ready for bed now though! 😴

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

sending you knowing hugs @CheerBear

mum`s birthday was yesterday , I cooked her favourite dinner last night after getting my hair done

today we did some gardening for a lady who is 93 and also for my mum and then we had morning tea when my aunty and uncle turned up

Being relaxing for the afternoon

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Ah I thought I read the post about your mum's birthday last night but it must have been the night before. Hope you and Mr Shaz enjoy relaxing this afternoon 💛

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear, my usual Friday thing doesn't run in the holidays, but as you probably read on the wave thread, I was busy allllllllllllllllllllll day yesterday helping someone with her data analysis. It was super nice to have human company all day - even if it was while seeing this student freaking out over trying to get her head around the data.

Ok...so we are going to set the goal of going to the scary first yoga class "together?" I have a place in mind and they run quite a few classes across the week. I will just be joining an existing class, not starting a course or anything so really it's up to you to name the date.

I feel SCARED! I HATE going somewhere for the first time. Still...I try to tell myself that I only have to do the first time once, and the second time is never as scary. And I also tell myself that I have to get through the icky first time in order to get to the less icky second time. So, when are you planning to go to your first class (if you want to share)?

I super like the idea of doing this together. This will help me feel less self conscious when I inevitably do something dopey in the class. I will probably just giggle and think about sharing my stories of dopiness with you later.

Monday sounds like a busy day for you. Yep, Forum Land SUPER helps to cope with scary stuff doesn't it. I will be seeing (A) at 8am on Monday morning. I still feel totally sick every time I think of trying to find someone else...and yet I know I can't keep letting (A) fry my brain. At least I feel pretty confident that she will stay until I find someone. I don't think she will dump me - boy I hope not!!!!! I know that having someone is safer than having no one.

@CheerBear...super big thank you for understanding how complicated muddles can be. I shared something about "Fred" on another thread the other night and several people responded that I should report him. There are complex reasons why I have chosen not to report him. It's a super big muddle...and it felt a bit icky that people made an assumption about what I "should" do...even though I know it is a totally reasonable assumption.

During the five years between when I realised there was something awry with the relationship and when I finally got out of it, I was getting support from a women's centre. They approached it very much as a DV situation and totally understood that it was more complicated than "why don't you just leave." I know that you will understand. I know that you understand how horribly muddled muddles can be.

Anyway, I hope you and the LF had a nice day and that you are all enjoying the school holidays.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Maggie, It is super nice to see you here in the nest.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning @Phoenix_Rising. I hope you slept well.

I read about your data adventure on Friday (and kind of shuddered at the idea of 12.5 hours of stats)! I struggled through first year stats and had to work very hard just to scrape by. I was very thankful that I didn't have to do stats in study take 2, as somehow the stars aligned and I got advanced standing for the only numbers subject in that course (which was Social Research and nowhere near as numbery as a proper numbers subject!). I'm now thankful that I did stats though as, like we've spoken about before, I think all of the study I did in psych has given me a great knowledge base for SW (if I ever get back there). I imagined you sitting on Skype all day playing numbers with someone and it made me happy for you that you had company and something that seems to interest you 🙂

So this yoga thing - the only class I can do is on Monday and term starts in a week. Aside from this being a scary thing, me being really self conscious at the moment, and the whole not knowing what I am actually going to wear thing (shoes?!), I have an extra hurdle to getting there that I might need to deal with. I'm in a bit of a pickle at the moment with my car. It may be going in to be fixed soon which might fall on that day (or it might need to be sold for next to nothing and then I'll probably be in some real trouble). I'm gaining some inspiration from @TheVorticon with this one, as I just want to pretend it's not happening and avoid even thinking about it, but I know that won't fix it. So I've been doing some looking around and will know more in the next few days. (That was a really long way of saying that for now, the plan is Monday but it's now also subject to car issues 😕 ) I'm still going to get my tights and top tomorrow though as if I have them there, like you I'll feel one step closer and that might help. What day are you thinking will work for you? Also, there is about a 99% chance that I'll do something seriously dopey too, and the idea that I can have laugh about it to myself and then share it with you later helps a lot! The idea that there is almost no chance I'll see anyone from the class outside of the class again (aside from TT who will be in my handbag having a laugh too), also helps. This sounds like a great way of looking at it 🙂

Tomorrow morning it seems like we'll also be both be doing things that don't quite feel right and are scary. My appointment with my GP is at 9 and my appointment with the nurse is straight after. We can do this together but not, too.

@Phoenix_Rising I can definitely understand how there could be a billion reasons why you haven't reported Fred. I can also definitely understand how it might feel icky to hear 'shoulds', especially around things like Fred. I can not cope with hearing 'why doesn't she just leave' and am very glad you were supported in a way that understood that it was more complicated than that. I wish the question people asked was 'why doesn't he stop' instead 😞 I wish more people questioned the behaviour of the perpetrator rather than the victim, in general. I'm sorry Fred did what he did to you. Muddles are very very muddling.

I'm getting myself ready for a couple of fish free days once I've finished foruming and coffee-ing 🙂 I'm looking forward to it and planning on doing not a whole lot of anything, aside from the busy day tomorrow. I hope your day today is a good one for you.

@mudsum - I'm thinking of you lots and hoping things are going ok in your world.

@bella2 - missing you lots. There's always a soft cushion to sit on here, and talk or not talk if you'd like.

@Maggie how are you today? I meant to ask whether your candle you offered to share is scented. I love smelly things and candles/oils/incense are definitely things that make me feel good.

Hi to everyone else in the nest 🙂 Hugs/not-hugs to you all 💗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Bella - I'm super super sad to see you go but I understand that maybe the forum wasn't right for you or isn't right for you right now. I hope you're ok out there and think of you often. I'll keep that cushion free, the cake fresh and the cuppa hot and hope one day it will be right for you to come back 🐛🐜🐌🤗💛🐻☕🍰🙁

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear The candle is black current and nectarine. So good to share with someone. Take care.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Love blackcurrant and love nectarine @Maggie 💛 Sounds like a perfect scent 🙂
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