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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

That's amazing @Phoenix_Rising you have a very strong neck 🙂

Hope you are okay @mudsum

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

And this is for you and to tuck away somewhere in the nest @CheerBear

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @mudsum. It's good to see you 🙂 Sounds like you've had a seriously rough time. I'm so happy to hear you're alive and everyone is fed. I know how incredibly huge that is. I'm really glad for you that you have such a supportive boss. Taking a break for your mental health seems like a good idea at the moment, even if it feels pretty blegh. I've been thinking of you heaps. I think you're a hugger - if so I'm sending you a huge understanding hug from here. Please know we're here for you.

I like the idea that our feet (flippers) are still there and still working fine, it's just that we're stuck in muddy holes @Phoenix_Rising. It seems like it might be easier to get out of stuckness that way. I wish there weren't so many holes for us to fall into though. You're such a great not-friend, even when giggling at my lost feet 😛

My story is tricky to piece together with the way I've put it out here. I've probably made it a little hard to put into a nice neat story and it makes me feel a little relieved that it is tricky to do. The first bang happened when I made the choice to fly years earlier. I spent years rebuilding after it - raising baby fish, learning how to live independently, studying, gathering a community etc. I got really strong and was eventually able to keep myself from being in the path of the storm, but it always rumbled in the distance via LF though. The big big bang happened through exactly that means. There was nothing more I could do after trying everything. It didn't matter how strong I was, or how secure everything else had been made, it didn't stop it. I couldn't stop it. It isn't fair, it and hurts and it just sucks.

I wish I had something helpful to say to you too @Phoenix_Rising. I guess the best I can do is to you let you know I am still here, still thinking of you, still wishing that things were better and still hoping that something good happens soon. I plan to be doing this for a long time.

I seriously wish we could both (all) find our way out of the holes. I'm totally over being covered in mud as I'm sure you are too. I called my CM yesterday to see if there was anything I could do to push the paperwork through and found out that she's on leave. I had an appointment with my mh worker today but just after posting my post it was cancelled. I had to reschedule my psych appointment last week because of our adventure, and my helpful but unreliable psych didn't get back to me to try to reschedule it so my next appointment is likely to be in 3 weeks making it 8 weeks between appointments. My counsellor is also on leave for a few weeks. The missing housing organisation reappeared, in the form of letter to increase the rent (it was a scheduled increase but one that should have been accompanied with a discussion about how everything was going - which my answer would have been 'very badly'). I get that this stuff happens and absolutely accept it (I don't accept the housing stuff), though it is very hard not to feel even more lost with no way out today.

I've just been out to do something ridiculously fun with my little crew. It involved replacing something that has been lost and missed. It is definitely not a need thing and definitely a splurge thing but the little fish have had huge big happy tears at its return.

Thank you mudsum, phoenix_rising and lunar for sitting in the mud with me. I love those flowers @Former-Member, thank you. Rainbow is my favourite colour 🙂 I was feeling seriously alone but knowing you are all there has helped me feel less alone.

Off to play with the fish. Hope your afternoon is good.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

how are you @CheerBear, sending you hugs my friend

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hey @Shaz51. Thanks for coming past. I've had lots of fun with the kids this afternoon and it's helped me feel a bit less down tonight. We're having pizza for dinner and will sit together and play a game in the lounge room tonight. They're very excited and happy.

How are you tonight?

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

that sounds wonderful @CheerBear , have a great night

feeling a bit better tonight , I think i overdone it yesterday , aching a little bit but not like yesterday

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks @Shaz51 🙂 Hope you're able to rest tonight after yesterday 💗

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Glad to hear that things picked up a bit this arvo @CheerBear. And good to hear that you're feeling better tonight too @Shaz51.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks @TheVorticon 🙂 I hope your day and the work on the unit has gone ok.
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