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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hello in the nest @Phoenix_Rising 🙂

I've really liked the sound of K for a while and it makes me feel good to think that I might one day be a me kind of K, thank you 🙂

I can totally forgive you for missing the adventure the LF and I had on your birthday 😉 I kept it pretty quiet as I feel scared sometimes posting about things that are happening at the time. It was related to the bubble puzzle. All the LF received pretty big recognition for their awesomeness in terms of academic achievement, leadership and behaviour. I can't say much more than that but I am really proud of them for not only managing to live through this mega storm, but to rise well above it. It makes it all worth it as they're so much more than ok. It is the best thing to see. Thank you for asking and remembering.

I hope you're snuggled up and sleeping at the moment. I'm glad that the medication is there and helping. How do you think you're going with the new medication?

@Former-Member - good to hear your psych appt was productive 🙂 Wow re your degree/s! That sounds completely scary to my very non-science wired brain. I had it in my mind that your were doing psych for some reason. Hope your night is going well.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good afternoon @CheerBear,

I have crossed two things off my to-do list today and I'm about to head out to do a third thing. That is super awesome cool that the LF received awards for academic achievement AND leadership AND behaviour. Wow, they are some amazing LF you have there. I am guessing that the challenge was something to do with their awards not being made as widely public as perhaps those of other students were. I can see how that would super suck for them...but it sounds like they are awesome enough to rise above the disappointment. You must be doing an amazing job of LF-raising to be producing such outstanding LF citizens.

You know, when I read your post, it reminded me of how in TBKTS it talked about how being with a loved one through a tough time is a super protective factor. Van Der Kolk gave the example of how some kids were sent to live in the countryside during WWII while others stayed in London and faced all the bombing. The kids who stayed fared better than those sent away. It kind-of goes to show that a bad situation doesn't necessarily lead to negative impacts on wellbeing. It's more about the support the person receives in coping with the bad situation. It sounds like the awesomeness of your LF is testament to the love and support you provide to them. I can definitely understand why last Thursday was a super awesome special day for you all.

In answer to your question, I think the new anti-depressant is definitely helping...although since the adventure with (A) on Monday, I am back to struggling. This is an example of why I always find it hard to judge the effects of medication - life circumstances confound any effect that may or may not be there. There is a lot of room to increase the dose, so I guess I'll see how it goes. On the plus side, it seems to have destroyed my appetite (whereas the other one I've been on in the past made me absurdly hungry). Thus I'm hopeful of losing a bit of weight.

Here's an amusing random fact for you; the antidepressant that makes me absurdly hungry is actually regarded in veterinary medicine as an appetite stimulant. My cat who now lives at the Rainbow Bridge was on it for a while because his issues were making him not want to eat. My vet and I both thought it highly amusing that she was prescribing for my cat the same medication that I was taking.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Phoenix_Rising. I am having a very blue day today and reading your message has cheered me up a little thankyou. I'm not sure what's wrong today but I'm definitely not feeling right 😞

You're right in your thinking about the bubble puzzle. One day things will be easier for them, or at least they'll understand it a little more. I think the reason that certain big ships have never really crossed in to our ocean is because of how well the fish just keep swimming when we are together, as proven by this kind of stuff. We work well in our little team.

With life things being shaky I find it hard to work out the effects of medication too. It's good to hear that it might be helping. That's a lot better than the scary possibility of it making things worse to begin. That is funny about you and your cat taking the same medication.

Great work on getting two things done today and good luck with number three. I have zero things done aside from feeding my fish, but there's really not much else I actually can do today (this may be part of the blueness of the day).

Hope your afternoon is good

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear

It's ok to have a blue day. Super frustrating, but still ok. Thank goodness this day ends in...um...six hours in your part of the world. Good thing we aren't on Venus. It would super suck to be having a blue day on Venus!!!!

I got my third thing done. Guess what? I bought my yoga outfit yesterday - one step closer to taking the plunge and actually attending a class! When I got home yesterday I found the shop assistant had forgotten to remove one of the security tags so task number three today was going back to the shop.

I think I'm going to need some serious psyching up to actually get to a class. I think @Former-Member mentioned a while ago that it took her ages to get brave enough. I super wish I had someone to go with. I HATE going anywhere for the first time. However, I try to tell myself that I only have to go through the first time once, and then the second time is never so scary.

Anyway, you said you got nothing done today except feeding your LF. You have three LF don't you? Well...assuming you fed all three of them, I reckon that counts as three things. And if you happened to feed all three of them three times, then, wow, that's NINE things you did today. I think that makes you pretty awesome.

I also think it is super awesome that you have been able to support your LF through the giant storm such that certain big ships never really crossed into your ocean. I love the idea that you and the LF are a little team. I think you are in the process of raising some truly awesome big fish.

I will be sleeping in your pocket again tonight - and probably every night until the issue of my psychologist muddle is resolved somehow...and goodness knows when that will be. Right now everyone in Forum Land and the wonderful people at SANE are pretty much keeping this little turtle afloat...and for that I am eternally grateful.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Phoenix_Rising,

Hugs @CheerBear, @Former-Member, @Zoe7, @eth

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I did do nine things today and that makes me feel good thanks @Phoenix_Rising.

That's seriously cool that you've taken the step to getting to your class! Remember a few weeks ago I mentioned I'd found (and was supposed to begin) TS yoga? It was put on hold when the landlord lost the plot over the heater and began this fun mess. It runs school terms and I am booked in for my first class in about a week and half. I have to find something to wear and it's stressing me out. I plan to tackle that one next week as I have two LF free days. Are you happy and comfortable in your clothes?

I'm glad you're sleeping in my pocket tonight. I'm feeling pretty alone and pretty sunk tonight. I feel like I'm bottling up sadness and stuckness and seriously angry at the worldness. Maybe after yoga I'll do that kickboxing.

Hope you sleep well. I won't be far off bed tonight I think.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I hunted around last night and found the post I made when my mh worker called triage and then read through most of this thread. Far out my head was a mess. It feels like forever ago that it all went down but it wasn't.

I get so annoyed at myself when I feel like I do at the moment, where I feel this kind of sadness and anger starting to latch on. It feels like I'm never going to get rid of these feelings and they'll always linger around threatening to take over. It feels like it would be easy to let them take over and that it is a fight to keep them at a healthy distance from me.

Reading through everything last night helped me see how far I've come in only a couple of months. It gave me a good reminder of how bad it can get and how much better this kind of stuck rut is than it could be. I don't want to go back to that place and I will keep fighting to keep these feelings from taking over, but my fight would be so much easier if I could be just a little less stuck in the mess.

The house is really getting to me. I'm feeling really unsettled at the moment and there's really not much I can do about it. Until the big storm, housing had not been any more of an issue than it is for any other single parent family. The storm shattered my ability to find and secure housing (in a number of ways), and now I am stuck here in a run down overpriced and expensive house managed by a housing organisation that gives absolutely no consideration to how the people they house in this program are coping, and owned by a landlord who feels like a ticking time bomb. It's a situation I could never have imagined myself being in and it is infuriating to feel so completely helpless and unable to do anything to fix it.

I feel like I survived the mega storm but am now left trapped trying to pick up pieces that keep getting blown away somewhere else. I have no chance of returning to study until I can find my feet, and no chance of finding my feet until I can find some kind of stable safe ground to stand on. It makes so much sense that I want to lie down and not bother trying to piece it all back together when it seems like every step I take forwards finds me being blown more steps backwards. I'm so frustrated and sad.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear,

I feel sad that you are sad. I super wish I could help you find your feet. I am guessing that it is my awesome aspie brain that is causing me to now have pictures in my head of you literally without feet and looking for them. I feel bad because I know how super sad you are, and yet the picture of you looking for your feet is making me giggle. I feel like I am being a horribly insensitive not-friend.

I think your feet are probably still right where they should be - you just can't see them because they have disappeared into the horrible muddy and unstable ground that you are stuck in at the moment. I seem to be similarly stuck. I think it is comforting to know that your feet (and my flippers) are still there and they still work just fine...we just need to get out of our respective muddy holes.

I feel a bit lost on the timeline of your story sometimes @CheerBear. I'm not sure if that's because I've missed bits or you haven't shared them. It doesn't matter. It sounds like you and the LF were flying solo for a while before the big bang and that was ok, but then the big bang made everything super awful, is that right? I think I had it in my head that the big bang was when you started flying solo. Anyway, as I said, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that right now my not-friend can't find her feet because of stupid insensitive systems that make super important things like housing far more difficult than it needs to be.

I super wish we could find eleventy million dollars @CheerBear. Then you could have secure housing, I could find a decent psychologist (maybe!!!) and we could then make lots of other safe spaces for lots of other people so that they didn't have to go through these muddles. I SUPER hate how everything comes down to money.

Anyway, I really have nothing actually useful to say at all. I really just wanted you to know that I am sitting in the muddy unstable ground with you.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

chearBear- sounds sooo yucky with your house stuff. doesn't sound like fun at all. i hope that things get sorted quickly and hope you can find some fun things with thte fishes this week.

Phoenix_rising: from the post i had read it seemed as though you were doing really well. you had some prety good days around. then i read on another one that you are stuck in the "find a therapist" thats is a huge trigger i'm sorry that you are there again... but i am super glad that i saw some really good days for you too.

i'm alive and that photo of the turtle is sooo my picture. its the mud-sum-tiny-turt.
oh i'm tking that to my therapist this arvo.
i am alive. and i know many of you will understand how big of an accomplishment that can be in itself. yes i'm wounded but alive.
today is the first real day of holidays for us. yes little fish are on holidays but i have had to continue working and will through out but have some good plans.

on monday i found out that one of the people i work with(who causes me alot of stress), it is their sibling that was a big force/part of my abuse in a church once upon a time. the sibling was an invested force into the sexual abuse i endured before i was 12. and well that totally freaked me. i lost it nad was showing some severe mental health signs at work. this cost the trust of many of the staff i work with. thankfully my boss knows and was able to calm the rest of the crew. people wanted to ship me away in an amublance because i was displaying very poorly. thankful for my amazing boss she was able to stablize me and also calm the rest of the staff telling them i didn't need an ambulance. sooo glad i didn't end up in hosptial. but it has wrecked any stability i had gained recently.

so i'm alive and everyone is fed. thats all i can ask at this stage. at the moment i am kinda on a semi-suspension. not because of my bad behaviour but to keep me safe. mental health playing its cards at control again. yikes.

@Phoenix_Rising and @chearbear

hi to all the other nester. sorry i don't have the headspace to keep up with everyones posts i can't even read the fullness of everyone that i would like to read.
sending non-hugs to everyone who wants them.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

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