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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I guess I'm in denial about the failure. I don't know what to think.
Gosh, I've been in therapy for a while. Like 8 weeks or something. But I feel like it's only been a little while. I can't beleive it's been so long! I'm not sure if it's going anywhere - but I think that might be my fault. I'm not sure I want to be there. I want things to improve in my life, but I'm too terrified to talk and be vulnerable. The whole process scares me silly.

I'm so glad you had a good day and that you're feeling proud. It's so good to have days like that. Make sure you do something to remember it by for when the bad days hit.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I don't think it's silly of you to feel unsure about therapy @Former-Member. It may have been about a week ago I posted here about being vulnerable and scared. I had a session with my counsellor and we spoke about how really scary it was for me to feel like that, even with her. I've known her for a couple of years now and we've been working together for months (with a bit of a head start because of how we had worked in a way together a while ago). Progress can be so slow, and 8 weeks can feel like a long time but I don't see that as long in terms of therapy, at least from my experience.

I like the idea of doing something to remind myself of today's win. I'll have a think about how I can do that thanks 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good evening @CheerBear and all other nest dwellers,

This is just a quick flyby to say I'm going to TRY to stay off the forums until tomorrow evening. I hope "we" have fun at the fun place tomorrow @CheerBear...assuming the fun place still happens in school holidays??? Otherwise, I'm sure you will find something else fun for "us" to do.

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I left FF and tried my best to socialise properly with people beyond the forum. It was ok.

@Phoenix_Rising. Thank you for stopping past the nest and saying goodnight (or good evening). Our fun thing isn't on for two weeks so we'll do something else instead. Hope you sleep well.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Crossing the rainbow path quickly to give you hugs and then running straight back to safety @CheerBear

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Zoe7 - i caught your hugs just before I fell asleep and it made me feel really good thank you. I hope today is a good day for you 💗

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good evening @CheerBear and all nest-dwellers. A special hello to @mudsum because I haven't seen you around for a little while. I super hope you are going ok.

I have had a nice day. I think the new medication I've started on is helping with the depression, which is very exciting. I'm really hopeful that if I can just get that bit of the puzzle sorted out, I will have the energy and focus to do other things that will get me in an upward spiral.

@CheerBear I have snuck over to the party planning thread and read through all the party planning adventures of you, @Zoe7 and the others. The thread made me giggle a lot! You and @Zoe7 seem to be absolutely in your element when you are party planning!

I hope you and the LF found something fun to do today. I am excited to hear you did some real-life socialising last night. The "ok" sounds a little flat. Just ok? Socialising can be hard work.

I'm only going to float around for a little while tonight. I feel like I've been spending a little too much time in Forum Land over the last few weeks. I need to work at finding that balance again.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm glad the SPP thread gave you a giggle @Phoenix_Rising. It certainly has given me a few giggles over the last week working alongside @CheerBear (and @Former-Member as well). I am not sure what we have enjoyed more - finding the things to put up for each party or the child-like atmosphere that we have created around it lol

I couldn't have even thought about SPP yesterday - or even this morning - but one more to go (for now anyway) and then we can have a break - call it our annual leave (which is a bit ironic seeing as school holidays are coming up and I would be on leave if I was working!!!!)

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hiya @Phoenix_Rising 🙂

I'm very happy and also excited to hear that the new medication may be helping you out! Lifting things a little can be so helpful.

My socialising last night was just ok, but I'm ok with that because it is better than it being not ok like it was only a little while ago. I am still very much fighting myself to not hide away from everyone and everything but I am fighting. One day I hope I'll like being around people more.

Today my fish have spent the whole day in their pjs and they've loved it. We're watching Finding Dory at the moment. I'm 'watching' while playing a new game and I'm very excited about having something fun to play, and that I am even playing a game at all (because I haven't played since pre big bang). I'm about to build a safe haven in a desert and the water spirit just said to me I needed to build it "So that everyone who needs refuge will find it there. So that others can feel safe and happy. We all deserve that I believe". I got goosebumps and thought of the safe healing and holding places we will build one day 😄

I hope you have a good rest of your night 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear your game sounds super fun (and very wise)! Yep, it's ok to be just ok. It's also ok to not be ok...but it feels nicer to be ok.

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