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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear Awwwwwww super gigantic enormous huge thank you for your super nice post and the AMAZING picture. I am going to print out the picture and your post and stick it on my wall right next to my bed so that when I am riding gigantic waves I can't help but see it. I really do want to change the world, and even though I may not manage to change the WHOLE world, it makes me feel super nice to think that I could make a little bit of a difference to SOMEONE'S world.

I am DEFINITELY up for your plan of creating safe healing and holding places all over the country when we find eleventy million dollars. You are going to be an awesome social worker one day. I am still undecided about whether I want to be a psychologist, a social worker, a peer support worker, or an academic, but whatever I decide (or whatever the universe decides for me!!!!) I will really still just be me and I will be as me as I can be...cos there's no-one else who can be more me than me.

Maybe I should ask my GP to forward your post to the psychiatrist who thinks I'm "too complex". That's what I need - some references from people here in Forum Land to vouch for the fact that I'm really a very simple little aspie sea turtle with BPD, and not really complex at all.

Your picture is AMAZING. It looks like it must have taken a super long time. I wouldn't be able to do that in a trillion years. I tend to "create" things with words (and it made me giggle yesterday when you said you had to google "interloper" ) and I am totally hopeless when it comes to drawing etc. And I am SUPER impressed that you didn't throw the computer or scanner. Wow, a super warm-and-fuzzy inducing post, an amazingly intricate picture AND role-modelling of managing big frustrated feelings. You are the most giving not-friend EVER!!!!

Super big thank you for being my not-friend. I am extremely thankful that I met you too. I think it is amazing that our oceans collided as they did. You are the best never-actually-met, here-even-when-not-here, puddled and muddled nest-dwelling pockets-always-open not-friend that a little turtle could ever wish for. Thank you for being you @CheerBear.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Big giant warm fuzzies @Phoenix_Rising 🙂 Thank you for sharing your birthday with us here in forumland 😄

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear Super giant thank you for sharing my birthday with me. I am trying not to think too hard about the fact that I won't actually SPEAK to another human being on my 40th birthday. It's totally ok, because you and everyone else are right there and you are all just as real there as you would be if you were here.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear my printer is out of action but I will print it when that's fixed if it's ok with you. I will colour it in and put it on the wall of my cabin. Turtle Island is big in my spirituality. Thankyou.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'd love for you to do that if you'd like to @eth 🙂 Turtles are kind of awesome

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear can I come over to the party thread yet??? I am busting but I don't want to spoil anything by coming too early.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Can I join this nest again? Just teddy and me this time. Kitten is naughty and still outside.....

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Of course @Former-Member 🙂 How are you tonight?

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Better tonight - no voices today. So that's really good. It's strange how much calmer I feel without them.
Therapy this morning - still not sure how I feel about it all. No idea if it's going anywhere.....
Uni is less stressful, despite the fact I totally failed the assessment I was doing. So I've now effectively failed a unit. Which may be disastrous... but I'm trying not to think about that.
How are you today @CheerBear?

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

That's good to hear you're feeling a bit better tonight @Former-Member. The idea of failing a unit would stress me out a lot 😞 How long have you been doing therapy?

I'm good today thanks 5-HT. We had something pretty important and big today but it's left us all feeling very proud. Big win here 🙂
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