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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good afternoon nesters. I am doing a super quick flyby.

@Former-Member I'm not so sure you would want to hear me playing my violin - I'm only learning. I am beyond the dying cat stage but still not exactly wonderful to listen to.

@mudsum I am super glad you survived your icky court experience and I'm glad I could come along in your pocket for support.

@CheerBear This morning when I was lying in bed I was thinking about you and your LF (and me!) going to your once-a-week fun thing today. I look forward to hearing what "we" did today. It does sound like a super awesome fun thing that you do.

Hi @Mazarita and @Shaz51.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hello nesters (from a half eyes open, very drained cheerbear)

@mudsum - so great to hear from you. Your week sounds full on. I can imagine how so not ok your car situation was earlier in the week. That could have easily been a total meltdown tipping point snap for me (I had triage called because of a total meltdown overload following a door handle breaking haha). Biggest hugest congratulations of surviving and being strong this week. I so understand the aching body following big stress too. Hot baths help me. I hope you're able to relax and recover a little this weekend. Thank you for your lovely words as always too. I am glad we have become pocket friends 🙂

@Former-Member - how are you going today? And @Shaz51? Hi to both of you 🙂

@Mazarita - no broken bones. We are winning that one! Hope you've had a good day!

@Phoenix_Rising - our once-a-week thing was maybe a little like your volunteering gig yesterday. It didn't go to plan at all (more of that to follow). You live in my handbag at the moment (in a little pocket in there) so you were there to see it. And thoughts of you, riding your big feeling waves, the conversations we've had lots of, the epicness of being triggered etc all ran through my head during the story to follow. It's been a mega day here. I'm so thankful Earth is not Venus. I hope today has been good for you and will search around to see if you've posted beyond here soon.

Today all my LF have had huge challenges and all of them have been hugely challenging at times. I handled some of it well and some of it far from as well as I would have liked to. It's so hard sometimes when I'm being stretched and it feels like it's coming from all directions and it won't end. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. We have a movie going on in a moment and then it's bed for all of us.

We had a very sad moment happen at our usually heaps of fun thing. A LF who has been working really hard on a thing that is going out to the big wide world, had a major meltdown because they can't be as much of a part of it as others. We were working really hard to come up with all kinds of fun and cool solutions to this problem but I could see on their face it had hit them badly (and think this one has been brewing for a while with other times this happens, which is way too often). They literally destroyed all of their hard work and then melted into a puddle of heart hurting tears and shakes. LF curled into me and cried lots. I tried really hard to keep my ok-ness but I could feel myself sinking with them as I got flooded with big 'this isn't right and isn't fair' stuff. It hurts us all still, often. It took ages for them to move out of it, and the help of the very lovely person who runs the thing. LF went and did some fun distracting stuff and I sat some more. A very well meaning parent came and spoke to me and suggested that perhaps a type of professional support would be a good idea as what they saw seemed too big (they didn't see the trigger just the reaction, and know nothing at all of us). As nice as it was to attempt to help and fix it, what it did was prompt me to spill all because when all is revealed, this meltdown was not too big at all and was totally understandable. In spilling all though, the other parent kind of seemed to sink too and then get stuck with me, who felt seriously exposed afterwards.

People always get stuck when they step into (or get caught) with this stuff. I think this is why some helping people aren't willing to truly allow themselves to see/hear/feel what goes on beyond what is simply observed @Phoenix_Rising. Their need for boundaries to protect themselves create huge walls between themselves and their clients. As soon as people dive in and try to fix things that really just need to pass, I struggle more. I felt bad for this very nice parent but there's no simple fix to this.

So the day went on with all of us shaky and really it's been a big just get through it day. We played on bikes and had a good dinner together so it wasn't all terrible and tomorrow we can try again.

Thanks to anyone who read that long post. It feels better for sharing that. I'm going to float around for a while and then snuggle with my blanket in my bed.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear, sounds like a big and challenging day. Glad to hear there were no broken bones. It was a good day here at my friend's place in the afternoon and into early dinner. She is feeling suicidal again due to ongoing physical pain. I'm with her on the journey wherever it takes us. There were many upbeat moments too. She has a great sense of humour. Japanese take away. Home again and not sure what I'll be doing with the rest of the evening. Hope you enjoy your movie relax time and sleep well tonight. ox

Hi again to @Phoenix_Rising, @Former-Member, @Shaz51, @mudsum and other nesters, may the rest of the evening treat you well.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Japanese takeaway sounds great @Mazarita. I made a special dinner tonight. An Asian vegetable broth and put vegetable gyoza in it. I googled what gyoza is tonight (because I'm not even close to being adventurous with food so I have no idea) and found that they're Japanese, so we've had a similar kind of dinner happening again 😄

That would be very tough with your friend. I wonder whether your dream last night had something to do with the situation with your friend? It doesn't sound like it was the same thing but it could be related.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear, gyoza in broth sounds very delicious. I love broth and dumplings.

I feel sorry for my friend's suffering and glad to be there to keep her company at moments of tears and other feelings (and join in with the tears a bit too). I love her very much. Yes, it's strange that thoughts of death seem to be around me today. But I often think of death to be honest. I'm not suicidal but it is a very common presence in my mind. Mostly I think I'm okay with it as part of life (though I'm sure I'll be scared when my time comes). Sorry to be morbid!

Other big parts of the afternoon were again enjoying her little back garden with the currawongs calling as the sun went down. She showed me the gorgeous crimson/orange colour the sky goes when silhouetted through the trees at dusk. She felt better too as evening approached.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I have no idea whether gyoza and broth are supposed to be done together @Mazarita, but it was really tasty and felt really good to eat! I used bok choy from the garden again and it was crunchy and so fresh!

Your friend is lucky to have you Mazarita. It takes a special kind of person to be ok with being around the type of not-ok that is seems your friend is feeling at the moment. I think your presence today would have been so helpful for her. Sunset colours - so magnificent! I feel calm just thinking about that scene 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi nesters,

I am not hanging around tonight. I feel totally worn out...even though I've done nothing all day. This total lack of energy and puddled brain is really frustrating me. These aspects of depression bug me more than the low mood. I often think that society in general thinks of depression as a feeling (i.e. feeling sad) and totally doesn't "get" these other aspects of it. When I was at the GP on Thursday, I told her I was keen to have another try of an anti-depressant that I tried a few years ago. The thing is, when I tried it before, the reason I stopped was because it super increased the risk of suicide. I went from lying in bed feeling suicidal, to having a huge amount of energy and feeling suicidal. Not good. Apparently this is a very common experience. My GP said if we try it, we will also use the only-in-emergencies medication for the first couple of weeks to avoid a repeat of last time. She isn't keen to try at the moment though because I'm struggling so much in general. I know my super awesome but very young GP really wants a psychiatrist to help out with this muddle. I truly think she was more distressed over the psychiatrist rejecting me, than I was. Right now I think I feel more ok than by GP does about trying this anti-depressant again because I know I simply need to stop it if it starts to go awry. Oh well, hopefully I will wake up feeling brighter tomorrow.

@CheerBear I feel so sad for your super sad LF. I can hear that the other parent was well-meaning, but gee, it sounds like your poor LF's big feelings were pathologised when really they are a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. Poor LF. I'm super glad your LF have you to look after them. I know you said you didn't handle all of their meltdowns well today, but I am certain you were "good enough" and that is good enough.

I totally agree with what you said about helping people not wanting to truly step into our muddles. That is definitely how I feel about (A). I am actually going to include something about that in my reflection on chapter 14 in TBKTS. I read it today but will have to wait until tomorrow to write my reflection.

Now...the most important issue of the evening...did your LF actually eat your Japanese-inspired dinner? That sounded like it included a frightening amount of vegetables to me. There is no way in a bazillion years I would have tried that if my mum had served it up when I was a kid. I'm not even sure I would try it now! You clearly have superly duperly awesome LF.

Ps. I love that I am now living in your handbag. Do you have a bazillion handbags like @Former-Member does? Hee hee, I have now been in your handbag and RockPool's handbag...which means I've travelled in as many handbags as I have owned in my entire life.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear @Phoenix_Rising @Mazarita 👋💗💕

Not having a good time at all, but wanted to say, hi.
Really struggling that I haven't seen any improvement in myself.
Hate to think that this is my life.
Can't accept that, no way.
Really doing all I can.

Sorry for negativity.

Bit of a sook. lol

Thinking of you all.

Hi to @mudsum @Zoe7 @Shaz51 and anyone else around.
💜💕

Having a nice Earl Grey at the moment.
No cooking again, Subway. 😀

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Phoenix_Rising and @ChearBear
does that mean its the story of the traveling handbags? the travelling key ring? cant wuite find the right word hahahaha

MAn when our LF break down its soooooo super hard

@Former-Member what makes your feel like you will stay here forever? can you see things that you are doing to do the process?
it can feel like we are trapped so often. i hate that.for me sometimes it feels like i fall back into old habbits soo much and then the shame overtakes me

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Former-Member, hugs for how you are feeling. There's worse things than eating Subway. No cooking here either: takeaway before 6pm. Toastie just a little while ago. Earl Gray sounds nice.

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