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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I am super pleased you have two people you trust.

Yeah...probably don't try to defend that mindset regarding suicide, to the catt too much. I can see how that might not go so well...even though I can give you the page number of the DBT treatment manual where Linehan discusses this concept. That is where I got it from. It is such a refreshing approach in a world where most people flip out if someone mentions that they are having thoughts of suicide.

I am feeling quite ok tonight. After this post I will head over to the highlight of the day thread to share my highlight - so I won't spoil it by sharing here. I can tell you though that I saw my psychologist today and I spent a good part of the session talking about how broken the system is. I hope you don't mind, but I vented about how much harm the catt had done in your situation and explained to X that this was why I didn't want a phams worker. We talked about our own puzzle regarding the fact that X is legally bound to do something if I disclose an immenent risk, but for her to do something would be to create a whole fresh layer of trauma. We talked again about the fact that our solution to this puzzle is that if at some point I choose to suicide, I won't be telling X beforehand. Our shared understanding is that if she is concerned, she will ask me if I intend to suicide and I will say "no" regardless of what my intent actually is. As she pointed out, on this matter I truly am fully empowered. So...even though you've had a totally crappy weekend, it did prompt a useful conversation between my psychologist and me.

It is pretty funny that you asked if I had porridge for dinner. I actually had it for breakfast AND lunch...so I told myself I simply couldn't have it for dinner too. I haven't ended up having anything. I think that has something to do with my highlight of the day...

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I think so too @Spookytookims. Watch me recover from my soul destruction thanks to storms, then recover from the soul destruction thanks to systems making it harder, then go out and try and work in it all only to destroy my soul for good lol. Ah well, at the moment it is what it is.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Phoenix_Risingwrote:

"even though I can give you the page number of the DBT treatment manual where Linehan discusses this concept"

yep.. that's our Phoenix.. right there! 😄

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

you'll destroy your soul trying to change it @CheerBear

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Running off to find this manual @Phoenix_Rising! I'm super glad you were able to have a useful conversation with X. That actually does make me feel better about sharing this pickle, even though I didn't intend for it to be any more than a vent/outlet/reach for support thing. My psych and I have very open conversations about this stuff and he has told me I 'push the envelope' with it. He's also said he'd shoulder the responsibility (ie liability) to quieten another concerned helping person before, and is quite possibly the only reason catt haven't dived in yet I think. My phams worker probably had to make that call, but I wish she'd tried my psych first. It might have all been avoided then. I called her today to work it out with her and will work with her again maybe, but I will never be open with about my mental health with her again. Being that's her thing, I don't know whether it can work or not, or will be helpful or not but the damage has been done now. Off to read your highlight and that is funny about the porridge!

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Here in the nest I feel calm inside. Nothing is happening around me, no-one is making me get up, no-one is asking anything from me. I don't have to think of anything or anyone if I don't want to. I don't have to find a way to stretch myself beyond what I can. There's nothing I have to do here, nothing and no-one to worry about and nothing to fear. I can sit still and quiet. I can allow myself to feel the full extent of my sadness and anger and pain until it passes. And no-one will judge that or try to fix it. No-one will be afraid of me and I won't feel afraid of anyone. I can think and feel. In this nest I can be me and that will be ok.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

{Pokes @CheerBear to remind her that Phoenix_Rising is in the nest sitting silently beside her - just in case she forgot since Phoenix_Rising is so good at being still and quiet for super long periods of time}.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I found these and will be making enough of them when I feel crafty again, to share with anyone else who wants to sit in the nest and hold a rainbow when it's stormy (or not stormy and just because rainbows are kind of great). It feels very stormy even in the virtual ocean at the moment so I'm holding on to one and just watching it until this storm passes. It's very pretty.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

can I come for a while @CheerBear, @Phoenix_Rising, @Mazarita, @Spookytookims, @Former-Member

soo tired xx

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