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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear your picture hasn't come up yet, but thanks to @Spookytookims, now the mention of a rainbow makes me get an image in my brain of a rainbow going down a toilet. So...right now I have an image of you holding one end of a rainbow while the other end descends into a toilet. Gee...I always knew that pesky @Spookytookims was going to have an adverse effect on my brain.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

pesky Spookytookims @Phoenix_Rising

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Spookytookims ROFL.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Back here thank you for the ride @Phoenix_Rising. But I wonder whether @Spookytookims is also feeling shaky here too at the moment because I see it in the picture above maybe, and I want to send her a hug but I'm kind of stuck shaking myself.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Awwwwww @CheerBear I feel sad that you are feeling all shaky. Sitting here in Sydney, I actually don't feel nearly as shaky as the picture @Spookytookims just posted of me might suggest. I actually feel quite calm and ok...which I think is attributable to the substantially improved relationship with my psychologist. FINALLY I feel like I have someone in my corner...and that makes me feel snuggly and safe. But I digress..

I have a feeling that @Spookytookims' picture is just illustrative of her messing with my brain by filling it with images of rainbows in toilets. I'm sure she will let us know soon enough. In the meantime, do you want to try the thing of sitting still for three minutes with your hands palm-up? We can do it here together in your nest. I've been diligently doing it each morning. I have to say, in the safety of my own backyard, I don't find that any harder than sitting any other way...and I can sit and just listen to the birds for HOURS. Sitting in my garden makes me feel super calm.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear pic above is me... and poor @Phoenix_Rising rocking in her shell at pesky spookytookims 😛

Hence PR rofl-ing at it. 🙂

So I'm ok... also think it's pretty funny PR was offering her aspie brain... lol'd at that one too. She may be aspie but she's got good caring bones in there 😄

I still don't know how aspie and BPD work together... they ostensibly seem to be opposite on the emotions scale. But I think I've kind of figured it out. It seems like it's potentialy very messy because it just shouldn't work.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

That sounds really good @Phoenix_Rising. I'm going to set my timer on my phone and peel my legs from my chest and sit with them crossed and just sit. Big breath. Thank you phoenix_rising.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest



@Spookytookims what can I say, I'm an enigma. Yes, being me is kind-of messy but it isn't really so perplexing. I was born aspie. Bad stuff happened, and as a consequence of the bad stuff I developed BPD. Thus I became an aspie with BPD. That's all.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I think I'm too broken even to sit with my palms up for 3 minutes. I got 1:14 in to it and a big lump happened in my throat and I started crying lots. I dont know if that's ok but I think it is. I think when I relax I fall apart a bit. The same thing happened the other time I tried this. I found muffin mix in the cupboard when i was looking for silly labels. I am going to bake them and then have a bath I think.

It's past 9pm now so i think you'll be off from forum land soon @Phoenix_Rising. Thank you again for being with me in this muddle.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Spookytookims - I'm super glad you're not shaking like that, not that I'm glad PR is but I think that shaking you're talking about is different to the shaking I was. Phew. Thank you for letting me know.
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