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I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.
In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.
Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.
I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.
Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.
@CheerBearabsolutely... re the defensive thing and the emojis I try to use emojis to show my intent is jocular because I know at times without it my words, though intended facetious, can be taken seriously and that can cause misunderstandings. But sometimes people ignore the emojis anyhow... because there are anti emoji people... I know that because in my class forums a lot of people are really anti emojis especially younger people which I find quite interesting and surprised me.
and yes.. in general I find people can get defensive when questioned. I think to some people it's like they take it that you are questioning what they are saying and that's another thing I've been covering in my set resources in the past weeks. How we become emotionally attached to certain beliefs and it can feel like being attacked personally if they are questioned or others don't have the same ones.
I find that amazing because the way I think is if someone questions what I am saying they are interested enough to want to clarify it, or they want more information about it. But it seems some people use it and feel it in ways I had never thought of.
In response to: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear I am super glad that you are safely at home with your LF. I get the sense that the meeting was super challenging but the outcome is that so long as you don't indicate intent, things should settle down without anything too scary happening, is that right? I can definitely relate to all those scary feelings about not knowing whether the helping people are safe or not. It can be super scary and confusing. I hope you can feel safe with your psychologist. I know what a giant difference it can make to have just one super safe person in your corner.
@Spookytookims Your toilet/toolkit muddle made me laugh a lot. I really can't imagine any context in which I might put a rainbow walk in my toilet. Oh great, now I have an image in my brain of a rainbow in my toilet and me jumping onto it to take a ride to the ocean - all drains lead to the ocean you know. Clearly talk of a rainbow walk in a toilet triggers scenes from Finding Nemo in my brain - I had to mention that, given your current interest in language, triggers etc.
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
I missed that other post @Spookytookims. I was completely totally exhausted, like almost couldn't move earlier. But it's passed a little now. My body is very much responding to the stress, and thinking about that reminds me how I seriously didn't need additional stress, especially to this extent, especially when it's come from me reaching out for a little bit of help. I have a house inspection to clean for, the big housing meeting on Wednesday and haven't been able to sort out that c-link hiccup so again, this is why this is just not ok timing.
Catt are lingering around for a bit. It means calls and maybe home visits. I have an appt with their psychiatrist on Thursday as "you really need to see a doctor". The whole thing sends me completely bananas and is taking hours to come down from that hyped up run style panic bunny thing. Then I crash and fall flat for a while. Then stabilise with just enough time to come good for a moment before it happens again. Shaking my head. There's surely a better way than this. I am absolutely worse off mentally since Friday and this is a giant epic step backwards but another thing to tick that I've survived once I have. I
If only pineapple lumps had the nutritional value of broccoli then at least something good comes out of it lol.
There's my venty response 😕 Betchya glad you asked now sorry!
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
SpookytookimsSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
oh hey @Phoenix_Rising that's really strange you have now mentioned nemo twice,. and the guide in the Turtle island story in episode 5 that showed you and lil-cat to the wreck I named enmo.... as an anagram of nemo. 😛 just have to mention that for synchronistic purposes 🙂
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Helllloooo @Phoenix_Rising and thank you 🙂 I'm not sure if things are settling or if the catt scaries are getting ready to pounce so I'm tiptoeing carefully and remembering I trust two helping people, and I do trust them (neither have called triage on me) so they're being great sounding boards right now. I've been fairly fiercely defending a similar mindset to how I think you see things sometimes. Which is kind of that while I have this 'option' and I'm not taking it, I feel like I'm consciously making a choice to be here. If that 'option' is made to be handed over, I won't feel so much like I am choosing to live, more like I am stuck here. That mindset doesn't sit so nicely with big scary catt people though. How are you tonight? Have you moved on from porridge dinners to something else now?
@Spookytookims - something else I enjoy about your company is exactly what you've written there. I feel like I could ask you to clarify something and you'd take it that way, as I would if someone asked me. Yay!
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
SpookytookimsSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
I am glad I asked @CheerBear the biggest most draining thing is the darn cycle... that rainbow or not so freakin' rainbow roller coaster. If that could just stop happening you might get a chance to breath and gain a little equilibrium.
Meanwhile @Phoenix_Rising is now surfing that to the ocean via her toilet apparently 👀
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Can you both please come and work for my local catt people, who told me the name catt had a bad reputation so they just changed it (so much lol) and teach them how to work with shaky little boats?!
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
SpookytookimsSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear lol you know how I hate authority and systematic controls.... I'm thinking really really not a good thing for them or me to live under their rules 😛 *shakes* uh huh no thanks.. sorry 😛
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Yeah i can't play nicely enough to ever join most of the systems I want to (to change) either @Spookytookims😁
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
SpookytookimsSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
you know @CheerBear that's probably the problem right there. The people who understand the shaky boats also don't like the system, so they don't get into it. or the system doesn't like others who think outside it so they don't want those people in there, perhaps working against that "acceptable" guideline.
Hence we wind up with mainly people who just think they know what they are doing and they actually don't have a clue.
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