Nothing

hi @Spookytookims, i completely understand where you are coming from i have dissociated for long periods too but for some of it it was hard to tell if it was between 9 and 12 its hard to tell whether it was alters or alcohol that caused memory loss but i have had a period where i freaked out cause i woke up and 2 weeks of my life was just gone i couldnt remember what happened nor could i work out what brought me out of it. i suffered abuse from the age of 3 and to be honest some forms of abuse didnt stop till i moved out in to my inlaws with my partner. quite a few people find it amazing that i like them more than my own mother. i am currently writing my story i suppose you could say autobiography of what i can remember.

@Former-Member sorry easter isnt a good time for you i hope it wasnt too triggering

@Former-Memberyeah that coming back and no time has passed to us but in reality 2 or 3 weeks has gone is very weird. were it up to me it was the next day or even the same day just a different place... the only reason that time exists is because others say it does... to me it doesn't/didn't.

I also understand liking that better than facing reality or people in it. it somehow feels like a protection whereas the real world always felt like it was fighting against me, that I had to fight it every moment so I think it was protection. So how do you dislike something that protected you when nothing or nobody else would or could? As confusing as it is when I'm lucid, I can understand why my mind and body said ENOUGH I'm outta here, and left. I would have left if I could... well I did!

hi @Spookytookims sorry for the late repl

uhh im not too sure how to respond to be honest Spooky... but you can tag me in any of your threads if you like, im happy to ahve a read of them and answer where i can..

but i appreciate you telling us your story so we can get to know you better. its veyr understandable about being sensitive after telling your story even just in bits i get that too, so not a problem there

@Spookytookims, yes same when i come back to myself the only reason i have missed time is because reality said i did and i go through periods where i want to leave it but usually the mother in me is like time to go back to reality because i swear if i didnt have my little boy my true self would probably be classed as an alter because i wouldnt want to be here most of the time he is the only reason i come back to myself is hearing him cry

no @Former-Member not really but im alive thats something i guess

enjoy your shower

@Former-Memberthat shows how strong the nature of maternal instinct is. You are "lucky" to have that (for want of a more appropriate word). I didn't and perhaps that's why I oouldn't get back or wouldn't come back, I think it was wouldn't when I lost time completely... but I think it was couldn't when I know I spent years consciously trying to get back. Perhaps, your little boy crying is the (positive) trigger that gets you back, which is exactly what you said and I can see that so clearly in how I was without it, I spent my whole time trying to find a (positive) trigger that would do that, it was like I was in a deep vortex that I just could not get out of. Until one day just for a moment I popped to the surface, and that was my crack. That was the beginning of the end and why I fight so hard to not go back there.

Your situation is different. I just went. When I ask who was in my place nobody knows because apparently it just seemed like a "crazy" mixed up me who did things I'd never do usually and was apparently extremely sexual. wth was with that I have NO idea! But that's what I'm told. I also tried to escape, with an invisible cloak.. which was a blanket I threw over myself and I tried to walk out believing nobody could see me because I was cloaked in invisibility. I also literaaly tried to climb over a wall and that I remember beause I was pounded on by about 6 male orderlies and I was screaming at them to let me go. That was horrible because I was lucid for minutes before they put me out with medication.

I really HATE medication it makes me think differently and I don't recognise my own brain and I know my brain very very well. I know how I think and why I think it and when I'm on medication I feel like I am not connected to that deep understanding that is actually me, who I am, my essence. I think being INTP has a lot to do with that, we are extremely cerebral and have an innate yearning to understand everything and I just feel lost when I can't connet to that "me"ness. Perhaps that's why I didn't step into the alters world, because I fought to hard to keep me. I don't know, that's pure conjecture of course but would be a plausible hypothesis.

@Former-Member yes we all cope differently. Based on who we are and how we think. Probably because AJ was young she went the alters, I went the long dissociations because I refused to turn to external sources, you went the alcohol route. I think all stemming from the same kind of pain just different paths we took when we reached that intersection.

Maybe that is why we are all here, to share each others stories and like you said... find our way back from those paths separate paths. Maybe we are all back on that shared path we were before we diverted.

If that makes sense. I think @CheerBear is too, she just doesn't quite know it yet. Or maybe we are here to say... hey.. over here... this way Cheerbear Grylls... come with us! But she needs this stupid c-link and house stuff sorted first and foremost.

@Former-Member oh forgot to answer your question.... no.. I don't have a counsellor... I don't do rules very well I'm too much a free thinker and if a counsellor or therapist isn't "getting" what I'm saying I find it way too frustrating to try to explain it. I feel like "why should I? That's your job you should know. How can you help people if you don't "get it"?

Yeah I know probably the wrong attitude.. but that's how I feel about it so better me and therapists don't mix unless I am explaining it to them in a peer to peer capacity, then it''s quite ok and works perfectly.

They seem to be far more responsive in that kind of setting than if they are in their "I am better than you, I know more than you I'll tell you how you are feeling and why".. when I know how I am feeling and why and what they are saying isn't even close to being right.

@Former-Member no probs, sometimes just to know someone is listening and validating is enough. And being honest and saying you don't know what to say but you are listening is just perfect too. Thank you.

ugggh @Former-Member @Former-Member @CheerBear just saw how much I've posted.. I'm sorry... it's always like this when I bring something up from all that cr@pola. I start spewing out words like everything needs to purg*e until there's some kind of equilibrium again... soooo sorry for filling the thread tonight. Have a feeling you might understand though, and thanks for that.