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hi @Former-Member, @Former-Member, @Spookytookims, @CheerBear, @Shaz51, @Former-Member and anyone who didnt get taged how has everyones easter been

I typed this earlier in reply to an introductory post from Lapses. I thought since I had typed it out I'd post it in here so you all could maybe have an idea of where I have come from and why I am so hell bent on keeping myself where I am now. I hope you don't mind me posting in it here. PTSD is a terrible trauma and unfortunately, this is my story now. So here's another glimpse into it: @Former-Member @CheerBear @Former-Member @Former-Member @Former-Member (sorry AJ, this may be a bit close to home for you, please don't read it if it upsets you in any way.)

"I suffered dissociation for long term, in the worst of my trauma. I have no memory of several years. To me it feels like it's 2007 because I lost so many years from 2002-2011, if you asked me what I did during those years I could not tell you. If you asked me what happened during those years, similarly, I could not tell you. I have snippets from years up to around 2015, last year I can remember the last months, this year is the first "normal" year I have had for a really long time.

The irony is, when I am "here", I have an excellent memory. I woke up in hospital once and had lost 2 weeks, completely lost it. It was around christmas time. The last thing I remember before I "woke" was it was around the 6th of December, when I "came back" it was after Christmas. Apparently I had been functioning.. that is I had been walking around, interacting with people.. so not like I'd been in a coma or anything, it just felt like I had been to me, because I had and still have absolutely no memory of that time. Total black out as if it didn't happen. Theoretically, I know it must have happened because it was after xmas when I came around but if I had to swear to it I could not say those days even existed because to me they just didn't.

What brought me out of it was a nurse who started playing a game with me that required my mind to switch into the now. Although apparently I would only have a few turns at a time then get up and walk away. He persisted thank god, and when I did finally come around and "out" of it, I was playing that game with him. I can't remember the game now, but I think it was something like scrabble or a word game of some kind. Had it not been for him doing that I have no idea how long I would have been gone for."

@CheerBear I'll probably be super sensitive over the next 24 to 48 hours after sharing it, like my whole body goes into hyper vigilance, particularly emotionally. I think it's a kind of protection thing, an instinctual or innate ward to reflect things that might send me back. It's not conscious but it undeniably happens and I can feel it right now. Another thing I have to learn to nullify, but I think it's healthy in a way that my body has those mechanisms because obviously my whole neurology must be arming itself against a possible onslaught. So still the memory and conscious bringing it to mind has that effect I still need to work through. But I think it will come so I'm not "worried" about it, more glad I can recognise it and start consciously trying to affect change of it too. If that makes sense.

@Former-MemberYeah not having the memories is a really hard to explain. I have so many emotions around that... anger that someone did this to me, anger at myself for "letting" it happen, sadness that I lost so much of my life to it, appreciation of it making me who I am now and understanding where I have come from with it.

A lot of it I was so lost at the time I didn't care, not it's harder because I have to come to terms with the reality that time is gone. I don't feel my age because I lost so much time It's like I'm still in my 30s because I simply don't have those intervening memories. This is where I understand the quantum physics theory that time is merely memory defined... I don't have the memories therefore I honestly just don't have that time. It's weird but it is what it is and it is my reality now and I just have to deal with it.

Thank you for your support, it's so great to have it. Never had any through any of it. I did it all alone. So this is a very new experience for me having others to talk to.

bears and hearts and stuff 🙂 thank you both so very much.