FizSenior Contributor
Welcome To My Nightmare
Ok so it isn't a nightmare, so much as a persistent ache. And yes being dramatic I have borrowed the title from Alice Cooper (I commonly use song titles and lyrics which seems typical for Aspies). This does ramble a bit and I keep editing but will publish as-is lest I don't publish at all.
I have been here a week and talked to a few people, tried to provide help to others - using my typically Aspie (Aspergers - part of the Autism Spectrum) approach which I will say does not suit all expectations. But I feel I have not really said what I hope to get our of being here. Something I know part of me is trying to avoid.
I came to this forum wanting to find something new. A way to connect with others because I feel totally useless at this in real life which has lead to me being a bit of a shut-in. I don't talk to anyone about this as openly as I would like because; a) it terrifies me that this may be the best I can hope for out of life, b) I feel that people don't want to know, c) I'm not good at asking for help - I feel embarrassed that I am in this pickle and can't find the answer.
I am Aspie and I (quite typically) see the world in a way that seems different from people around me and feel that increasingly that puts me in a different place from others. It has gotten to the point where I am frightened of being open with anyone - yes even this screen as I type - but I will try.
I had a relationship for about 8.5 years but that was less than ideal. While I loved her, I found her overbearing and unaccepting of what makes me who I am. She started out by liking that I was different from the men before but she also wanted me to suit her ideal partner who it turned out was really the men she had had before. I won't claim to have not been part of the problem as I must have been, but my family was concerned as they saw this lady as not seeing me as an equal. When I tried to establish myself over things that mattered to me (from the layout of my work area to tucking in my shirt) it always resulted in a huge argument, one she never let me walk away from (last word syndrome). In the end, I got tired of trying (and failing to make things happy) so I simply stopped. Of course, it all got ugly and I simply said no to doing it all again. I thought that would free me to have a better life.
In the couple of years since I have tried dating a few times (real-world & internet) but in every instance the results are less than pleasing. I have made a couple of loose friendships but most of the time I get blown-off pretty darned fast.
One of my work situations is getting quieter every week. That is just me working alone solo so I can't help but feel responsible for the decline. Increasingly I feel like I must be doing everything wrong (and being family they don't want to tell me).
I am a musician and even there find that same frustration. Each album gets less positive feedback (yep, that un-cool crap again). Help I offer in a music forum has come under attack several times so I am careful what I do and offer of myself. I got handed a CD by someone last week and it is pretty darned good. I would have sent off an excited email but now I feel silly to do that as he wants me to like his work (which I helped happen as he was avoiding putting the record out) but doesn't comment on mine. Feels one-sided and like I would be being silly.
When I was younger I always felt like I was different and on the side of life but I had a life. I put myself out and while I was rebuffed a quite a lot I was also welcomed by a few people. Now I feel like I am outside of life, that there is no way for me to be part of anything bigger than myself. I feel like I am accepted in situations where I have a use (work, as a dance partner) but no more than that as I am annoying, faulty or a "weirdo".
I used to be a cheery and active person but now I feel like simple, pleasurable things like going to the beach or riding my bike (to the beach) are increasingly not worth doing. I am afraid to even try liking anyone (let alone showing that) as I come away feeling worse from the rejection/failure.
Logic suggests that this is my failing but I can't work out how and how to overcome it as doing the things I want to, seem to create the same outcome again. Am I being a narcissist, paranoid, did I fall out of time & fashion, should I just 'suck it up' & 'just do it' or whatever the latest meme Lorna Jane t-shirt says...?
Thaks for reading and any feedback welcome.
🙂
