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Overseas move gone wrong?

EngineerSenior Contributor26 Mar 2017, 9:30 am AEDT

Overseas move gone wrong?

I was headhunted for a position overseas in Europe. In Australia sold my house, my car (which was less than 6 months old), gave away or sold all my electrical goods and quit my 20+ year career in Australia. My remaining furniture is in limbo in storage.

I have been overseas barely 3 months and haven't coped at all well with all the language issues, cultural differences, travel, and the challenge of a much more complicated new job in a different industry. Depression and anxiety now overwhelm me daily and I have never been so constantly stressed in my life. Barely holding it together at work and outside work I am totally collapsing. Been on mental health and suicide chat support services such as this one and overseas.

I am trying to choose between continuing on, which seems totally unviable as I have no strategies how to do so and involves committing even more money, or quitting and having to pay back $15 K in relocation costs and returning to Australia to face unemployment and total uncertainty - no idea how I will start again. It does seem like either A or B. There is no Plan C. My previous employer has an employment freeze so will not take me back. Paying the money back will hurt but its potentially worth my health.

But unemployment in Australia will mean I have lots of idle time to negatively dwell on the decision I made as the depression and anxiety won't just be resolved by returning to Australia. I am concerned that my negativity will completely overwhelm me and I won't be able to dig myself back out again.

For 3 months I haven't made a clear decision either way and the prolonged indecision and procrastination is destroying me. Access to mental health options overseas is much more complicated than Australia.

I have read the past forums about the challenges of a new position but I added in a move overseas, and completely undoing my past life into the mix. The combination has been overwhelming.

Interested in how people make decisions when all options seem really bad and when depression and anxiety makes decision making seem like a mammoth challenge. Or how people have lived with the consequences of past actions when my habit is continually revisiting them and not moving on.

59 replies

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In response to: Overseas move gone wrong?

EngineerSenior Contributor27 Mar 2017, 4:15 pm AEDT

Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

Thanks @girl99.
I am very very worried about finding another job in Australia.

For your 1st paragraph. Either way I regret just about everything in my life. I am prone to reliving everything over and over in my head for years and never moving on. This makes personal decision making for me close to impossible.

For your 2nd paragraph the job is a huge learning opportunity for the right candidate. I just cant convince myself that thats me.

For your 3rd paragraph the Europe job i am in now, on paper without being here to experience it, looked like the best opportunity in over 5 years.

In Australia there have been few advertised positions i have been interested in, and the ones i have been i havent got an interview.

And yes I think being unemployed and sitting around beating myself mentally to a pulp running over this decision over and over is a highly likely possibility - i will need assistance to dig myself out or prevent that outcome! I may be unemployed for years or never get a similarly salaried position again and that is going to be very hard for me to find a way to accept. Also being unemployed i will have no bargaining position and will just have to take any position i can get.

So yes it is a very difficult decision that is overwhelming me. I am sick and wesk with a throat cold in bed and i am trying now to get up and face going to work.

In response to: Overseas move gone wrong?

EngineerSenior Contributor27 Mar 2017, 4:29 pm AEDT

Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

Thanks @Former-Member.
My family know my situation and will support me in either outcome. I cant see the company giving me any assistance to deal with moving back but in reality i have nothing to base this on. Its Monday and i need to get up and face work even though i am sick. I need to sort things out somehow.

In response to: Overseas move gone wrong?

EngineerSenior Contributor28 Mar 2017, 4:15 pm AEDT

Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

Update.

My boss and the HR Manager who hired me just happened to be in town together yesterday (they are based in different countries). I was sick enough for boss to tell me to leave work but spent 2.5 hrs in work discussion before i finally raised that i need a serious talk about how i am coping. Meeting them both at 10 am today.

But discussed yesterday in detail with HR manager where I am at regarding agonising over either staying or going. Didnt use the word depression or suicide but he could see and hear my distress which is why he wanted to talk to me yesterday before i left work and not leave it until today.

He doesnt expect me to decide by 10 am and said i can cancel the meeting if i want or set my own agenda.

I still dont know how to move forward here or accept going backward. But if i dont choose either by 10 am i am choosing to remain in limbo which is complete hell.

Out of time and out of options.

In response to: Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

Unknown userMember28 Mar 2017, 4:57 pm AEDT

Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

Hi @Engineer,

Gosh I've just come up to speed on what's been going on for you and it sounds like you're really struggling at the moment. It must be such a big change to uproot your life and relocate to another country where everything is totaly different. It seems like your work have been very understanding of the stress you're under, and that there is no pressure to make a decision by tomorrow, but you feel that you need to for your own sanity. And that makes sense, I know that feeling on indecision all too well, oscilating between ten thousand "what ifs" and becoming more confusedand overwhelmed. It sounds like whatever you decide, there might be some hard times ahead, but perhaps, as you said, it's better to make a choice than to stay in limbo?

Please let us know how you're going and what you decide, and remember to reach out here, or to Lifeline or Suicide Call Back Service if you need to talk. This is hard time for you and it's good to lean on all the support you can!

All the best,
supernova.

In response to: Overseas move gone wrong?

EngineerSenior Contributor28 Mar 2017, 9:46 pm AEDT

Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

Thanks @Former-Member

I dont believe i can access either of those services from Europe but i have some alternatives here and have a session booked for tonight in about 4 hours.

Well discussion with my boss and HR manager over.
They can well and truly see (at least to the small extent i am revealing) what trying to make this choice is doing to me and that i am in a completely non viable position staying in limbo.
I still didnt use the words depression or suicide.

They want me to stay, and believe i can have a good career in this role, but will understand if I go. My boss doesnt know how he can help but made various offers and suggestions.

They even said they would positively refer to me in future if i was to actually include this job on my resume even if i bailed after 3 months - which i found surprising. And they said that if i did include it on my resume that i could easily explain it as "tried a bold international move but found with the language challenges that it wasnt for me" and employers should respect that i gave it a shot. My boss is happy with my performance to date even though in reality i feel constantly mentally half crippled. They also said with my skills they believe i should find another job wherever i choose to go.

They said they have known other people who have tried big moves like this and also rapidly reversed it in months and that i shouldnt be judging it as a personal failure if that is what occurs.

And they know i need to decide, and wont relax until i commit either way, but are not putting me under any pressure to do so - they were very supportive and talked through the ramifications for me of choosing either option of staying or returning.

So apart from everyone now being on the same page, and at least part of my mental situation now being out in the open, it still comes back to the same decision point for me. I cant keep kicking this can further down the road to be dealt with tomorrow. There are mounting financial and emotional costs i will continue to incur if i dont choose this week.

In response to: Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

EngineerSenior Contributor04 Apr 2017, 5:16 am AEST

Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

Update.

One week later and I am still keeping myself in total limbo hell.

I can't bring myself to quit and face the hurdles associated with returning to Australia but I am going downhill very fast here and self inflicted stress totally out of control. Some of my work colleagues, I have confided in here, have spent over an hour or more explaining that I have no choice but to quit and return and there is no shame in having tried and having found that it is not for me. It has been a mistake to confess to them because they are concerned enough to threaten they will intervene somehow if I don't act.

I know depression makes my outlook completely negative (or vice versa) and catastrophise but I started looking at Australian job sites tonight and got very depressed about prospects of finding work upon my return. This overseas career experiment may set my career back a decade.

If I do quit I am very concerned my mood will plummet off a cliff and I will not be able to dig myself out and present a saleable outlook to a future potential employer. I don't want to end up on the job scrap heap at 45 years old. So I cannot see a viable future returning to Australia but my family tells me that can all be sorted out later and I need to concentrate on getting myself safely home and getting specialist assistance to recover from this experience.

In response to: Overseas move gone wrong?

TABSenior Contributor04 Apr 2017, 5:52 am AEST

Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

It sounds like you have quit by proxy in your sharing with work colleagues. Word will/has got out. Been there. 45 isn't end of line. Sure you will find something and deal with it all

In response to: Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

girl99Senior Contributor06 Apr 2017, 10:02 pm AEST

Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

Hi Engineer,

Hope you are going okay? Did you make any decisions yet?

In response to: Overseas move gone wrong?

EngineerSenior Contributor07 Apr 2017, 12:13 am AEST

Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

Hi @girl99,

This morning i tried to access SANE chat services and they were unavailable (even though with time difference it was still between 9 am and 5 pm Australian time).
I tried to access Lifeline at its geo blocked so I cannot get to it from.overseas.
I tried to access the Suicide Call Back and its also geo blocked.
I tried local Suicide Chat for the country i am in and it was unmanned.

So out of desperation i went back to local GPs nurse to be told they cant give me ANY means of short term relief, and that i need to see a specialist which i cannot access for at least 1 more week, and that i should be telling my employer that I am currently medically sick and unfit for work and should stop attending work. I told her i totally struggle more now when i am alone here in my apartment or on weekends when not at work so to do that 24-7 will be totally unbearable.

I talked to my boss today (he is in town) and he is still happy with my performance and I still cant get the guts to say "I quit" as I am worried about becoming unemployable back in Australia.

So i still have no coping strategy, no forward plan, no exit strategy, and am just grinding myself further and further into the ground. Constantly unbearably anxious and constantly exhausted so cannot find the energy to take steps to get out of this self inflicted trap. My family are telling me its up to me to take charge of the situation and put actions in place.

It sounds as simple as booking a flight back home but theres much more required to undo all this.

In response to: Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

girl99Senior Contributor08 Apr 2017, 8:36 am AEST

Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

Hi Engineer,

Can we maybe do a coping plan for you? It doesn't have to be a big plan but maybe something like:

1. Commit to two more weeks of work and keep going to work each day for the next 2 weeks

2. Keep looking for other jobs

3. Give yourself a date by which you will have made a final decision (say 30 April). By this time you will decide to either fully stay and commit to the job and country for another 6 months or you will leave. No more being in limbo.

4. Keep up a good diet and exercise every day (even if it's just a 15 minute walk around the block).

5. Obtain some good vitamins (Vitamin B seems to be good for helping with stress) and sleep aids (I use L-Tryptophan and herbal teas at night to help me sleep - this can help with my anxiety).

Let me know what you think of this as a starting plan? I find it very hard to make decisions, so it's always good if someone else can help start a coping plan.

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