Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

47,612Members
1,358,869Posts
1,400,000Visitors

Betrayal trauma is taking over my life!

EveSContributor05 Oct 2026, 10:56 am AEDT

Betrayal trauma is taking over my life!

I am absolutely feeling symptoms of PTSD. 3 months ago my husband slept with a 27 year old co-worker. We are both 55 and been married 31 years. This is the most devastating thing I've ever endured and the impact on my mental health has been unbelievable. Although he confessed the affair 3 days after it happened, he spent the following 2 weeks trying to tell me that I was okay with the idea (because in the last 30 years we discussed 4 times about non-monogamy after drinking a lot of alcohol). But he did it in secret, lied to my face before, during and after the event, and then adopted a "why am I the bad guy?" mentality for 2 weeks, leaving me feeling so shocked, terrified, blind sided and betrayed, that I cannot get past it. He made me feel responsible, and he was the victim. It has shattered my self confidence and my self worth. He still works with her once every week or two. Every time he sees her I am re-traumatised. Changing jobs is not an option. So I am trapped with intrusive looping thoughts that spiral so badly, sometimes I physically break down and cannot stand. I cry all the time. My fingers are numb and I struggle to eat or sleep. I wander around the house aimlessly like a zombie. This has been my life every day for over 3 months and I just don't know how to get out of it. He is trying to be supportive but he keeps saying inappropriate things by accident ("When I look at her, she's just another woman. Except I've seen her naked.") How can I stop the intrusive thoughts? I'd love to hear others' thoughts.

23 replies

21 - 23 of 23

1 2 3

In response to: Betrayal trauma is taking over my life!

EveSContributor13 Oct 2026, 10:03 am AEDT

Re: Betrayal trauma is taking over my life!

@TeaPositive at the end of the day, he is really not giving me what I need, and I'm hoping that his therapist can give him some tools to help him along a bit. When I said to him, "do you still have feelings for the other woman?" I would have liked to hear him to say "of course not - that was a mistake and you are the only person I care about" when in fact, his response was "not really." (which of course, is code for "yes, to some degree")

Right now I am in two minds as to the future of this relationship and if there is not DRASTIC change from him, it will fail. I know I have faults too, but we need to address this crisis first, before we can look at other marital issues. My heart has been broken as well as my trust and its's hard to even look forward a single day right now.

He's at his therapist later today. I will give him space, and allow him to talk about it if he wants, but I won;t push it. And if therapy has inadvertently weaponised him in some way, I will give myself distance to let the mood temper a bit. We've been together 33 years - a long time. And while I have discovered new aspects of his personality, there is much good in him too, and the life we have built is worth fighting for.

In response to: Betrayal trauma is taking over my life!

woolydanNew Contributor25 Oct 2026, 7:51 pm AEDT

Re: Betrayal trauma is taking over my life!

I found it helpful to detach and find my own inner strength. I deserve to be loved. I thought of goats, hills and manual outdoors work. This helped me to think other thoughts besides the relationship and affair. Especially when I needed to function and show up for my children and life while processing feelings of grief, loss and figuring out what I wanted. @EveS

In response to: Betrayal trauma is taking over my life!

TeaPositiveSenior Contributor27 Oct 2026, 10:27 am AEDT

Re: Betrayal trauma is taking over my life!

@EveS how has everything been over the last week or so?

When I was reading your reply I noticed you were able to perhaps recognise when your partner 's response was "not really." that part of your mind was coding it as a "yes, to some degree". Did you notice that too, how your mind may have jumped in super quick to say something or interpret? It's something my mind does all too often, however unless I am writing my thoughts down I find it hard to pick-up and notice.

You're allowed to be in two minds about the future of the relationship, as well as the crisis needing to be addressed first; either together or separately in your individual therapy.

21 - 23 of 23

1 2 3