Betrayal trauma is taking over my life!

Hi @Misty7 , I have an appointment with a psychologist in a couple of weeks. He is seeing one next week. My husband is very much a "glass half full" person and refuses to open up any communication about things which are negative. He has been bottling things up for 30 years and I didn't know it! The singing was despicable behaviour and he has progressed so much since then (that was nearly 4 months ago) but he still has so much work to do. I secretly checked his browser history and could see he was asking AI about things he didn't like in our relationship but when I ask him "is there anything you want to talk about" he always says NO. It's a complete lie. His browser history is full of relationship queries. So, if therapy doesn't help him understand his behaviour and guide him to being a more communicative partner, we are absolutely done. Oh - and he told the girl (she is single) that he and I were in an open marriage. He admitted to her after sex that I wasn't informed of their hook up, and she was absolutely appalled (according to him). So I don't blame her at all; he lied to both of us. He works with her once per week or fortnight so I find that really distressing and re-traumatising as well. If therapy doesn't help, he will leave the job (it's tricky - we live rurally and here's not much work about). I saw her for the first time last Saturday and almost threw up, literally. She is gorgeous. And 27. At 55, this is so hard for me.

Thank for listening x

Great to hear that you managed to talk to your GP and have booked in an appointment in a couple of weeks for a therapist @EveS - I wonder what would help you get through the next coupel of weeks until that starts?

Intrusive thoughts can hook us right in and take our mind in all kinds of directions. I've been caught up in rumination and overthinking so many times, which makes sense as our mind sometimes just wants to try and make sense of things. It would be so challenging when all of these thoughts and visuals are popping up for you. Can I ask what helps you distract or not focus on them at times? This was a big part of learning for me, figuring out how to slowly come back to 'me' and not give these worries as much space over time.

I disappeared into books and music for a lot of time, it helped me, so I wonder what helps you? These intrusive thoughts will show up, so anything that you find helps you return to what is important and what you want your hour/day/week to look like - a bit like saying "Shoo intrusive thoughts - I want to enjoy this cuppa / TV show / walk". Do you catch my drift?

Hope getting support from here can offer you some way to navigate the next few weeks.

Hello@EveS

Sorry I wasn't aware this was an open relationship. It certainly makes things complicated and makes things easier for people to cross boundaries and leaves doors open for problems. As an outsider whether they tell you or not they were with another person I still see as cheating but then again I am not in such an arrangement. I think to do this kind of thing you have to be that person who can stick to boundaries 100% but in reality very hard to do. In other words an idea can sound great but practically it cannot work. It makes it easier for someone to fall in love with someone else and all sorts of unhealthy emotions come out. It's also possible that a person can change and not want this arrangement anymore. I think it depends on why you want that arrangement in the first place and if that can continue. I mean the reason humans have jealousy as an emotion is there for a reason.

Hi @Misty7 it's not an open relationship. We chatted about hypothetical siutations while quite drunk a handful of times in the last 30 years. I never took them seriously and I obviously did not realise he was quietly holding onto the content of these chats. We've never discussed it sober, not even once. So when he says "but you agreed it was okay!" I respond with "then why did you do it in secret?" and "then why did you lie so many times about it?" There was no grey area - he knew he was being deceitful but used our drunk chats as a kind of loophole. So manipulative!

He's changed a lot since then (this was June/July) but I just can't get past it and I've become extremely vigilant and jealous, which is not like me at all. I've always considered myself not having a jealous bone in my body, and yet, here I am, checking his phone and challenging him with questions.

I am looking forward to my first therapy sessions where hopefully I can begin to untangle all of this. The biggest issue for me is that the person I used to be is now dead and buried, and she was taken from me without my consent (which makes me so angry!!!). I used to have a lot of love for myself but now I can barely look in the mirror - that person in the mirror is a stranger to me.

Hi @TeaPositive

I am busy trying to distract myself without putting myself in uncomfortable situations (like social environments where I don't know anyone). I have a network of amazing friends who are LEGO enthusiasts and although they don't know the details of my trauma, they are all, in their own way, neuro-diverse and/or seeking (or have sought) therapy, so they understand stress, anxiety, and depression. So I am clinging to them, saying "I'm going through 'some stuff' " and they know not to ask further. Also, creating my own LEGO builds is very therapeutic and helps with distraction (I design and build huge worlds, usually with at least 50,000 pieces).

I'm sorry you've been caught up in the intrusive thought loop - it really is so difficult. I hope you have found peace x

Hi again@EveS

So your husband told a lie. He told this other woman that you were both in a open relationship when you weren't? Is that correct?

@Misty7 indeed that is true, because he actually believed it. His sense of truth was incredibly warped and a big part of him thought he would get my blessing because "we discussed it". He has his first appointment with a therapist tomorrow. I am really nervous as he might adopt a "yeah, nah, nothing's wrong" attitude which is absolutely untrue. Neither of us have ever seen a counselor before so this is very new to both of us.

Hi again@EveS

Hopefully they'll be able to get to the bottom of the issues your partner has been bottling up. Is he going on his own or is it couples counseling?

Awwww @EveS as I read this a smile spread across my face as I read about your network of amazing friends who are LEGO enthusiasts, neuro-diverse and/or seeking, and they know not to ask anything further from you. I am in admiration of your creativity and ability to create your own LEGO builds - WOW!

Sometimes connection and space to just be, while not putting yourself at risk, is a small way of looking after your nervous system after what you've been through. The vigilance and jealousy makes sense when there has been a break of trust, so I wonder if you can hold some compassion or kindness that while this isn't who you want to be or act, that your mind is trying to keep you safe so it is on high-alert. I am sure you know all of this as you sound very self-aware. I am curious to know if you might have an idea of what you'd like to do instead of checking his phone or challenging him with questions? Do you know what might even be useful from your partner in the moments?

@Misty7 he's going on his own. I have my first appointment (alone) next week with a different counselor. I am beyond exhausted so I hope he gets something out of his appointment/s.