Betrayal trauma is taking over my life!

Hi @EveS 

Firstly, welcome to the forums. It can take a lot of courage to reach out somewhere new and speak so openly and vulnerably, and I hope the community here can help you to feel supported

I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through this. Processing this large of a betrayal, not only in the act itself, but in the way it was handled afterwards is a hard thing to do and I can hear how much it's been affecting you day to day. Something like this is never going to be easy, but if you're finding that it's affecting your ability to function that can be a sign that it's time to seek extra support.

Other than here, have you had any supports that you've been able to lean on or talk to during this time?

It's been so hard because we are trying to work things out, so I feel I cannot lean on people as they may judge me for staying. I have an appointment with a GP on Wednesday to hopefully get into the Mental Health Plan because I just seem to be spiralling and not getting better (although I do sometimes have good days). I'm worried that it may take many weeks to see someone professional about this and my symptoms will get worse before I can secure an appointment. I would have reached out sooner, but I was in so deep, I didn't even know how to seek help.

Hi @EveS perhaps try https://www.relationships.org.au/ in the interim.

Hi@EveS

So sorry that you have been hurt in the most unimaginable way. This is unacceptable behaviour from your husband. Justifying his behaviour by blaming you is a big no no. This undoubtedly has affected your mental health. If I were you I would have walked out or ended up in an uncontrollable rage. I would probably end up with an assault charge on me. I don't know how he can stand there blaming you and saying all those things about her. The hurt he has caused and leaving you to deal with all the physical and emotional pain is not fair. He clearly doesn't care about you. He is not supportive. He will do it again. Put your foot down and tell him where to stick it. The more lenient you are the more he will think he can get away with it and do it again.

Hi @EveS what you describe (feelings of shock, terror, blind sided and betrayal) resonates with me. Have you been able to talk to anyone about how you are feeling - a friend, family member, counsellor...? For me personally I found just talking it out, and journally, helped me make sense of what I was feeling, and give myself permission and time to process it.

Returning to your question about how to stop the intrusive thoughts, would you be willing to share what these thoughts are? I noticed over time that my thoughts and feelings weren't the problem, I just got sucked into my thoughts and felt frozen, stuck and powerless. Distraction helped me a bit, just occupying my mind with something - anything, and also I found a way to figure out what I needed when I noticed these intrusive thoughts - to talk to someone, to get out of the house, to feel I had choice and control (I know it may be easier said than done). What have you found that helps you when you notice those intrusive thoughts?

It's been a difficult couple of months for you, so please reach out when you need.

Hello@EveS

Here's an app that might be able to help with the trauma. I use it for my Cptsd. Its called unpanic https://unpanic.app/ I recommend doing the boxed breathing especially when you feel panicked or are spiralling or just feel stressed. When you get flashbacks or intrusive thoughts I recommend doing the grounding exercise. Do these exercises as many times a day. I'm really sorry you have had to go through this.

I don't think people will judge you I think it's more that they wouldn't want to see you hurt again. He needs to learn respect. Now he can pay for your treatment which is not cheap depending on how many you need. Please take care and reach out to a trauma psychologist who deals in that area. Keep us posted. Just remember no matter how much he blames you it's not your fault. Do not blame yourself. Here is a lady you might find useful https://beyondbetrayal.com.au/

Thank you - I will check it out.

Hi @Misty7 ,

He apologises ("I'm sorry for hurting you") all the time but the second I tell him I'm angry and proceed to elaborate (calmy, no raised voice), he immediately reverts to his "reasons" for sleeping with the other woman. My problem is not the act itself - it's the lies, the cover up, and him trying to deflect and shift blame, that are doing my head in!

I spoke to my GP yesterday - the first time I have spoken out loud to another person about this. I came home upset and angry and he was just absolutely useless. He gave me a hug, said he's sorry for "breaking" me, and rolled his eyes when I started talking about the other woman's age and how that has made me feel.

He is seeing a therapist next week and I hope that helps him understand the gravity of his continued actions. After 31 years of marriage, I want to reconcile as I've invested so much of my life and we are now retired and should be looking forward to growing old together.

Thanks for listening :)

Hi @TeaPositive

I spoke to my gp yesterday - the first time I've spoken out loud to anyone. I have an appointment booked in a couple of weeks for a therapist via the Mental Health Plan which I'm hoping will be helpful. He is also getting counselling.

The intrusive thoughts are mostly of the act itself. It happened in our guesthouse (a converted tin shed) which doubles as my art studio; such a violation of my personal space. I asked him what they did in there and he recalled it all in great detail so I have all kinds of visuals which are easy to recall. Also I saw her for the first time last weekend so the visual is much more potent now (btw she really does look 27 years old and is prettier than I expected).

My other thoughts are recalling some of the early conversations we had right after the event - his manipulative behaviour towards me and other actions which I just can't get past, for example, a few days after he confessed, I couldn't get out of bed; I was crying and feeling so shocked and depressed, and I could hear him singing to himself in the kitchen. Like, wtf?

Hello@EveS

I am glad you have taken action and gone to see your GP. It is really important to get support. Intrusive thoughts are horrible and usually distressing. It's just a way your nervous system is trying to get your attention. Your anxiety which is a protector is trying to protect you. It's screaming out you are not safe, you are not safe by giving you distressing thoughts. The therapist will help you calm down those images and thoughts by signalling safety to your nervous system. You might need to go on medication see how you go. A psychiatrist is best for this as they know which medication is best according to your symptoms, stressors and personality.

Your partner on the other hand has a lot of work to do on themselves. The things you are describing are concerning. Eye rolling and not taking you seriously are making me think he genuinely isn't sorry. They are toxic behaviours. I cannot fathom how he could bring someone into your personal space, unbelievable. I also get the sense he is still in contact with her. The reason I say this is because he seemed happy whistling. I also wonder does this girl have a partner of her own she has betrayed? Disgraceful. So sorry again. I hope you come out on top. Your partner should be ashamed. Sooner or later everyone ages. This girl will age too. This girl is cheap. Going into someones personal space so effing disrespectful. Please keep us posted of your progress. Sending many hugs.