Using writing to anchor myself through trauma and isolation

Good on you, following this to add to this at a later date once I get my official labels but very closely aligned here.

Can i ask for one of your poems in the meantime please.

Keep that ball rolling

I sincerely appreciate the reply. This is one of my newer ones:

Morning Breaks

Momentum jolts me from my dreams,

Across faded indigo beams,

Drowning in silhouettes.

A sparkle flips from left to right,

As sapphire awakens my hesitant eyes.

When anxiety ripples free, it untethers,

Torn white pieces float, formerly pillow feathers…

Then at once, complete silence.

Was it merely a mirage?

Or something sinister that caused this barrage…

They tumble down the bed sheets’ seam,

Breaking the day’s quiet scene,

Captured in a hovering paw.

Suddenly, from the side of my bed,

A lone feline rears its head…

Gosh darn it, not again Jed!

Hi @WrittenOnStars welcome to the forums, and thank you sharing a little about your story with us.

It sounds like you’ve got a lot going on at the moment, from the difficulties with Medicare and your phone to feeling isolated from your family. I can imagine that must be really frustrating and difficult to navigate

It’s lovely to hear that writing has been such an important outlet for you. I hope you’re able to connect with others here who understand some of what you’re going through and find a sense of support and connection within the community 😊

@WrittenOnStars love it

Is Jed named after anything?

I have a Lucy that is similar and named after Lucy in the sky with Diamonds.

Keep that writing going, good outlet indeed.

Jed is a stand-in for several cats I’ve owned over the years. With very similar behaviour to the poem. I appreciate the response.

ps. Lucy is a beautiful name 🐈

I was thinking there may have been a Star Wars theme there. Your username and maybe Jed was short for Jedi.

In relation to your original post I understand your situation and relate.

I have AuDHD and have been left behind by family and friends. Sailed down the river a long time ago. Have trouble connecting with new people in my life and constantly judged. I got my Dads looks and my Mothers brains. They have both passed and had trauma experienced around their deaths. Shouldered a lot and have a decent case of Parentification. My issues have been long term and at the start of this year began to finally get some help. Recently stepped it up and have been given my 'labels' which was a real eye opener along with giving me a deeper understanding of myself.

Like you I have a creative side and really heavily rely on Philosophy as a release. Analogies resonate a lot for me and create a heap myself. Seem to always have wisdom for others without giving myself a chance. Due to masking and being private, no one fully understand me and have the wrong perspective or opinion of who i actually am. They assume a lot and put me into the box that does not align for me. For example, i am over 40 years of age and have never had a license for driving so people can just think I should be able to do this and that because they do. Makes things hard at times and I really have to plan for getting things done. The way I have put it is like a maths equation. Factor + unknown factor x unknown factor - unknown factor = wrong answer

The external frustration for myself has escalated in recent times with it making life very hard. Doing my best to deal with it and have setup an awesome network of practitioners to give me guidance, understanding and overall support. The downside of that however is, as great as they are, they all have a wage at the end of the week and clock on / off. Not a judgement thing here but it would be great to have some family or friends close enough providing some of those things.

Long winded but wanted to illustrate that I get it and you're not alone. Hope that things have eased for you and maybe gotten better in some way.

Oddly enough, I do love that entire series for the most part(with a couple of modern omissions in story arc).

When I was younger, I was diagnosed with ADD, Hyperlexia and Hypergraphia but never Autism. In 6th grade I was tested by an adolescent child psychologist who stated I was reading and writing at a 12th grade level at that point. I struggle with hyper vigilance due to extreme childhood bullying, if you couple those things together it explains why my mind uses writing as an outlet. It’s a way for me to build structures around my memories and thoughts in a safe way.

My parents never really understood what to do with me, I shifted from high school drop out to trade labourer to back to night school and community courses. Eventually I got my 12th grade equivalency but not via traditional public schooling.

I mostly write poetry because the structures and constraints I can use are infinite, I can also make heavy use of the etymology stuff I studied at grammar school (wasn’t there very long, two years) as well as mathematics to weigh them down. Words have weight and movement to me.

I don’t see a poem, I see a safe structure I can build with words. I also am terrible at writing traditional prose, it comes out sounding like a dry textbook(so I’m told anyway).

The philosophy aspect is really cool by the way, if I ever did study in the future I’d definitely take at least a few classes of it. Fascinating subject.

One day at a time for sure, hoping to get Medicare sorted this week but will see how everything goes. Really appreciate the conversation also

I have only been diagnosed in the early 40's but it has made so much sense to why I do the things I have always done and how to manage every day life. When at school my teacher would always say before a test I am worried about you today in this test. I would be like Van Wilder and see the questions and say "I am going to need more paper".

I am going to have to Google some of the things you have said here to see what they are. Curious indeed.

I did Uni in early 30's and had always just had a philosophical mind without knowing and then a few core subjects were that orientation. I was like "oh I get this stuff" and aced it. My last assignment I got a HD without using the required 4 references you are meant to and used common social norms to highlight my argument. I argued for Platos just state.

My memory works like an old Super 8 film and I can put on the reel and go back to pretty much everything in my life and for Maths I see the patterns in my head. It hurts to do but I can be as quick as a calculator if I try hard enough. Amazing how our brains and bodies work. Always felt different and did my best to fit and not stand out. Humour has always been my masker.

I get your Medicare battle and have experienced it myself. I also have the Job seeker battle and being unemployed for a decade. Been a hassle to get onto IEA for proper support. But have initiated it as best I can but have the waiting game. Next Telehealth appointment I am just getting my NP to do it as I need it. I could see your grasp of grammar and use of words, which why I liked the poem. Showed depth without being too weird artsy fartsy ;) like some can be.

Cheers for the chat thus far, hard to connect these days and if different.

Good luck with this week and the bureaucracy of the system

I can definitely relate to the memory thing. Although my best method for conveying that is through poetry as it’s how I translate those experiences best. Below is a good example:

Reminiscent Recall

If you ever stop and wonder why

Some see clouds and some see skies.

Take a step beyond the peripheral

While light bends sideways into something physical.

Catapulted forwards as it shifts lanes

Tracing the outline of crimson and shuffling inward

Those same indigo oscillations change vectors abruptly

Deeply betraying the image before you.

Sometimes it’s easy to look past it

A mirage of the mind

As days of tangerine unwind

So bright it almost blinds you

Mirroring a prismatic view.

To see the world this way is a breaking of step

In a dance routine most feel fluent.

Would it therefore not be prudent

To catalogue those same hues

Transference of Lemony-Blue

Or should I just begin anew?

The chromatic filters that encompass my cognition

Are by definition…my own.

Some may understand, some may not

Often categorised like a garden plot

Those same flowers that you walked around last

Are still painted in my mind from twenty years past.

Another good one (thumbs up emoji) you do have a way with words @WrittenOnStars