What to do with spare time?

Wicked !!
How I have I not come across this website in my Googling. 😛

She is a champ, and she's always happy to chat, and we share similar interests (She's a crazy bug lady too 😛 ) means we chat a fair bit outside of work too. She said today that she was really proud of how I handled the whole thing (the day after the HR thing I tried my best to chat and be normal with her). And she knows it'll not be a quick thing for me to beat this, but she said she has faith in me.

I know this is an older post, but I only just now read through it all.

CherryBomb, when I feel suicidal because of my BPD issues (which has been often lately) I don't find that phoning services does much for me at all. If I'm in "that space" then at first they can talk me down, but after I hang up the phone, the same problems are still there because so very few people at the end of a phone line understand BPD enough to be able to "fix" things and all we want to do is to be fixed so we don't have to keep going through the same old things day in, day out.

I haven't rung the Suicide Call-back Service yet, but when I believe that everybody hates me and thinks I'm a malingerer on top of the fact that even calling my local mental health service does nothing, then each day I find my situation becoming worse and worse and I just don't have faith in any service offering to help me through a crisis.

I do believe that such services help a lot of people. They obviously do a great deal for the community, but for someone like myself, who's negative and destructive thoughts just keep going around and around in the belief that nobody can save me, especially when the mental health service doesn't even want to know about it, I have little faith in help lines and I'm just so sick and tired of trying to fight this thing and stay alive. What's the point?

Dearest @Ellie

I am so sorry to hear you are struggling in this dark space feeling alone. I hate the football effect in MH, it is real and much worse for some than others, sometimes it seems like nothing but luck whether you get real help or not. And I know some illnesses are stigmatised far more than others, even with MI being stigmatised in the first place.

I wish I could send you my phone numbder but it's not allowed, otherwise I would. Sometimes we just need a real person to talk to who actually cares, even if they don't quite understand everything - we need more than anything to be listened to - to be heard.

So a shout out to @Alessandra1992 @hiddenite and @sara , to @kenny66 and @Loopy and all others: please gather round because one of us is struggling and I think we all need to be lighting candles, or maybe we gather up a bonfire again. It is getting quite cool at night in the mountains.

I feel rather shy asking Sandy's questions - she does it so much better - but Ellie what helped get you through these times before? It sounds like lifeline etc helps somewhat, but then it all tends to start up again when you hang up. What else helps you?

Please take care my friend, and keep posting.

Hope for good help with dealing with our pain endures...

Kindest regards, Kristin

To Kristin, Sara and Alessandra. Thanks you so much for your caring replies. I'm feeling a little better today. I took my meds last night and slept a disgusting 12 hours however it wasn't lack of sleep that caused the issues in the first place. Things just seem to trigger me and sometimes for no apparent reason. It can be a sad end to a movie and it rekindles the saddness in my heart. I might be triggered like I was recently when I was reading about how this girl with BPD was in the right era, at the right place and found the right doctor to treat her and make her well. I was triggered because that's just never going to happen to me. Then I felt guilty because I became angry that it was her and never going to be me.

I'm currently working on a Kindle book entitled The Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Workbook, but finding it difficult to go through the program alone. The facilitator of our self help group said to start (in my case) with emotions and work through that part, but this is such a self defeating disorder. I get all enthused, only to have all the negative thoughts reemerge the next day and everything I've tried to put into practice goes right out the window. And I'm old. Too old to still have this blasted condition. I've learned over the years how to bottle up my emotions, well, usually, but it ruined my entire life long before I even knew what it was called. I've been treated for so many things, which is common amongst those with BPD, but in the back of my mind I have this little voice saying...... "what's the point of even trying to stay alive. You're too old now to make a life for yourself and you've done too much damage!"

As to how I've survived in the past, I have few friends, but a call to them does help. One has been especially enduring and has put up with a lot of my sh!t over the years. I'm just waiting for a call from her as I type. I know she'll make me feel better, but sometime she warns me that it can only be a short call because she has someone coming over. Naturally I then become suspicious and think she's just trying to fob me off and that can set me back into suicide mode again.

I think the thing that helps me most is to get off my butt and go do something physical....... bring up a couple of barrow loads of wood to the veranda in readiness for the cooler months, fill in a drainage ditch I finally got around to digging and laying a pipe in after at least 5 years of procrastinating about it or picking up my guitar and playing a few miserable cords. There's nobody to hear my mistakes out here Unfortunately, as was the case last night, one of my maladaptive survival skills is to self harm, but it helps temporarily and is often enough to get me over the hump.

I'd just like to say too, that I sometimes see people on here who are in dire straits and I just don't know how to respond. I'm so mindful of saying the wrong thing because of my tendency to analyse every little word, every little bit of body language and I'm just terrified of saying the wrong thing. So if I see someone suffering and somebody else has already responded in splendid fashion, then I tend to sit back and not say anything, but rest assured that I'm always here and holding your hand in a spiritual sense.

Thanks again to everybody. I immediately felt better when I read your comments. You have served to make my day a lot brighter. I'll be ok for at least today.

Oh I also meant to add in relation to how I overcome my overwhelming emotions....... I use alcohol. I know it's not the brightest thing to do as it's a depressant and actually does make me feel worse if I'm drinking alone, which is usually the case, but it's a crutch I've used for decades and if it causes me physical in the end, I don't really care.

And thanks for the offer of the seat near the bonfire. I love a bonfire. I'll bring a long fork and some hot salami to toast over the coals. A lot of the fat drips out of it and if it's toasted just right, then the taste is amazing.

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement Karen. I can see that you've been through your own share of life changing MI.

I don't even end up in the MHU if I phone my "team." They just talk to me and ask if there's anything I can do to make the feelings go away. It was once suggested that I take a warm bath and relax. WTF?? What kind of advice is that??

I could sometimes do with a stay in the MHU because I just need protection for a couple of days, but it's probably not going to happen. My case worker said that if I should become seriously suicidal, then to phone the mental health team and they'd put me in for 48 hours, but what's the use of that? As soon as I get out, the same old feelings will return and I'll be back to square one. Anyway, the local MHU is full of people in the grips of psychotic states caused by the Ice epidemic. There's no room at the "inn" for suicidal people. Apart from that, I just can't call when I'm in that state of mind. That's when I really don't want to be here and am struggling to stay alive. The thought of phoning the MI team isn't the first thing on my mind. In short, I just can't lift the phone to "put myself in."

Sorry you're not in the best place at the moment. I will Google you suggestions, and I really do understand that people here are our family, so we'll never feel alone.

Thank you Karen. I'm thinking of you.