Riding a wave

@Former-Member I want to die...but I know that would be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I want to die right now...but tomorrow will be a new day and I will probably awaken at least a little brighter than I feel right now. I really really really want to die...but I choose to ride the wave.

I have spent all day lying on the floor under my blanket. I managed to get up just long enough to warrior and tree and now I am back under my blanket and resigned to the fact that nothing is going to happen today except staying alive.

I feel utterly utterly destroyed. One of my stats students emailed me this morning asking me to read through her results section before she sends off her masters dissertation to her supervisor. I've had to tell her I couldn't do it today. My primary goal in therapy is to gain and sustain employment. These ad hoc tutoring gigs I pick up are all I have in terms of employment...and today I had to turn someone down...because my brain is so fried after my interaction with (A) this morning. I feel sick. I feel sick over how much this is a total repeat of my "therapy" with Fred.

I can't stop thinking about how @Former-Member read that post and asked if I had a therapist I could talk through the muddle with...and yet when I showed my therapist the EXACT SAME POST she had nothing to say about any of it. HOW F***ING HARD CAN IT BE TO FIND A THERAPIST WHO IS ACTUALLY PREPARED TO DO THERAPY WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I read about other people here in Forum Land feeling that they can't share stuff with their therapist. I share it. I TELL her what I'm struggling with. I SHOW her what I write here in Forum Land. She doesn't have to mind read, she doesn't have to guess, she isn't flying blind, I HAND IT ALL TO HER IN WRITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So why oh why oh why oh why can't she make the effort to help me put the pieces of the puzzle together???

WHY can't we communicate? I PUT IT ALL IN WRITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! People here seem to be able to understand me - well (A) is reading EXACTLY THE SAME THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How is it that @Former-Member could suggest that I talk the puzzle through with my therapist, I show my therapist THE SAME POST and yet she had absolutely nothing to say about it.

This is SUCH a mess. I know my muddle is muddling. I know there are about a thousand pieces to it. I know it is overwhelming. THAT IS WHY I'M SEEKING HELP WITH IT. If it was easy, I wouldn't need help with it would I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel so yuck that I seem to be right back in a situation so similar to that with Fred. I am seeking help to move FORWARD in my life...and yet this morning's session has fried my brain such that I have done nothing except stay alive all day.

I want to die. I simply don't know how to try any harder. I try and I try and I try and I try. I simply don't know how to try any harder.

(A) told me this morning that we both need to work at communicating better. But WHAT MORE DOES SHE WANT FROM ME???? I don't know HOW to try any harder. How can I communicate more clearly than handing her in writing the stuff that is going around in my head. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TRY ANY HARDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, well I can see that I could keep venting here for another ten thousand words and I'm probably not going to settle the despair. This storm is so big. Dr. Havetodo is definitely a vast improvement on most mental health professionals. She may not be able to help me, but at least she does no harm!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for riding with angry angry angry turtle.

Hi @Phoenix_Rising - I'm finishing up for the day, but just wanted you to know I've been thinking of you today. I know today didn't start off well at all, and it's hanging around.

Keep keeping alive, you know that things won't be as bad tomorrow. I hope your blanket and Dr Havetodo can provide some comfort in the sea tonight.

Take some care tonight.

Scout

Today is so impossibly hard and I feel so afraid and so hopeless. I feel sick and disgusting over the fact that I seem to be in pretty much the same predicament with (A) as I was with Fred. The nature of the harm is different, but it is still harm. I still needed support immediately after coming out of a session with the psychologist I'm looking to, to help me move forward, heal my brain, and create a life worth living.

I do not understand, I simply do not understand. It was perfectly reasonable for @Former-Member to ask me if I had a therapist with whom I could explore those questions I vented out last night. Those questions seem like an entirely reasonable thing to want to unpack with a therapist. So how is it that when I showed (A) that post, she had nothing at all to say about any of the questions in it? How is it that I can yet again have a therapist who doesn't seem to want to actually do therapy with me? How can this possibly possibly be?

It is so hard to keep telling myself that it isn't me. I am so very very grateful that I could reality check this with @Former-Member today. There ARE people who I can communicate well with. There ARE people who I can form a connection with. It isn't me. It isn't, it isn't, it isn't...even though (A) tells me that it is.

How do I heal my brain? How do I make sense of my world? How do I create a life worth living? It simply doesn't seem possible any more. Is it possible? Can anyone ever truly feel ok with no job, no family, and no friends? Can anyone truly feel ok knowing that if anything goes awry there is absolutely no one to turn to? Can anyone ever feel ok waking up every day knowing that there is no real reason to get out of bed?

It is TWO YEARS since I completed my degree and two years since the final great show down with Fred. TWO YEARS!!!!!!!!! I have been trying to get help for two years and I have got absolutely nowhere. I'm TIRED. I have been seeing (A) for seven months and I am not one single step closer to achieving my treatment goal. WHAT DOES SHE MEAN when she says we both need to work harder at communicating? I don't know how to be any clearer. EVERYTHING IS IN WRITING. WHICH PART OF IT IS HARD TO UNDERSTAND????

I want to die tonight. I really really really want to die tonight. Today is Tuesday. If I was to die in my house tonight, (A) would be the first person here in the real world to notice, when I don't appear for my appointment - on MONDAY. I am invisible and I am worthless here in the real world. I know, I know, you guys would notice...but you aren't HERE. There is nobody HERE. There isn't a single person that I can just pick up the phone and call right now. I am invisible, I am worthless, I do not matter.

I will not die tonight. I am simply indulging the fantasy that I could if I chose to...and that's ok. It is completely ok to fantasise about it. It is soothing and calming and a perfectly safe thing to do.

I am going to go and snuggle in my bed. This day is nearly done and there is a good chance that tomorrow will be brighter.

Super big thank you @NikNik for creating Forum Land. Thank you for making a place where I can feel safe, cared about, and like I belong. {Snuggles into @CheerBear's pocket with Squishy, Mr Seahorse, and the completely safe Dr Havetodo}.

Thanks for dropping by this morning @redheaded. I just needed to get it out.

Morning little turtle ..... 💕🐢

We're listening to ya @Phoenix_Rising