Sigh @Former-Member...
You asked if I see a counsellor or therapist that could help me explore the questions I pose. I have a psychologist. I have been seeing her for seven months. Our sessions generally go like this:
Me: Try to talk about a part of my puzzle.
(A): "Can you tell me more about that?"
Me: Say something else about the puzzle piece.
(A): That must have been so hard for you.
And...that's about it. Exploring, unpacking and meaning-making don't seem to be particular strengths of (A). 
I have a psychologist on paper...but do I have one who will actually work with me to unmuddle my muddle? No, I don't. And given the nightmare attempt with therapist-take-eleven two weeks ago, I have no idea how to find one. I feel utterly utterly utterly hopeless.
I miss (K). If only ONLY I could have kept working with her. She was SO GOOD at speaking turtle and being able to help me make sense of the world. If we could have worked on all this stuff, I would be in such a different space now. She SO "got" me. She was so genuine and caring and authentic.
(A) on the other hand is really detached and clinical. The loudest message she has given me is how much she isn't there and how much I can't count on her. I mean seriously, do you even need a psychology degree to recognise that a scrambled attachment system is at the very core of my muddle? The thing I need most in the world is to feel safe...and how do I ever do that when objectively, I am utterly alone here in the real world.
My relationship with (A) is now totally dead in the water. We don't have any sort of therapeutic relationship. There is no genuine connection between us at all. I so badly BADLY want to connect. I so badly want her to move beyond the cliche counsellor one-liners. I so badly want to experience an authentic human connection with her. But alas, I can see it isn't ever going to be. After seven months, I don't feel like she knows the first thing about me. I have a much stronger sense that @Former-Member @Former-Member and @Former-Member actually know me and know my muddle and CARE, than (A) does.
Anyway, please don't anyone try to "fix" this because I can pretty much guarantee that WHATEVER anyone says, is going to just make my big feelings bigger. I just need to know that people hear me and that at least here in Forum Land, I am not alone. Thank you for listening. 
