Riding a wave

Hi @TheVorticon, Thank you for dropping by the ocean today.

I did let (A) read the post. When I was writing it I knew I would almost certainly show her. We had an ok session...as in we talked and there was no major explosive trigger. There was once where things were escalating and she reminded me I needed to be quieter, but we were able to move through it without total chaos ( @Former-Member at least you have a sense of what "total chaos" actually sounds like in my world, after last week's adventure ).

The reality is that (A) is fine to talk about that stuff if I want her to...but she doesn't actually have any sense in her own brain of why we are talking about it. Therefore we JUST talked about it, as in, the way I would talk to a close friend if I happened to have one. We don't actually "do therapy." Despite my repeated requests, she hasn't developed any sort of treatment plan. In her own brain she has no roadmap of where I am and what needs to happen for me to get where I want to go. And I can't make that happen. We can talk until the cows come home and I know it isn't going to heal my brain. I know I need help to make sense of the muddle. I need someone to help me unpack it. Just having a listening ear or a sounding board isn't going to help me actually FIX it. I have Forum Land in which to just talk things out. It was SUPER helpful for me to be able to talk out my muddle here in Forum Land at 5am this morning...but just talking it out isn't going to heal my brain.

I am starting to wonder if the issue is that the muddle really is too muddled and too unfixable. There were several points today where I asked (A) to explain bits of the muddle and she simply couldn't. I think in my heart I still believe that a more skilled therapist would be able to explore and unpack it all in such a way that I could make sense of things...but I'm not sure. Anyway, if that's the case, it seems that therapists of that skill level are impossibly difficult to find. I have a horrible feeling that those therapists are the ones who have turned me away with the "too complex" line. I think those who truly see the muddle also see how much time and energy would need to go into unmuddling it and thus they run a mile. By definition, this leaves me with those who don't get it. Sigh...

Anyway, despite her notable shortcomings, I am extremely grateful that (A) is there. The single most useful thing she does for me is that she lets me snuggle under the blanket and she puts her hand on my back. Because she is on my safe-touching list, having her do that is so so SO calming.

We talked yet again today about how we are not a great match and can't actually communicate well, but that it is still much safer that she is there than not. I think it is highly likely that I will be continuing to vent a lot about this less-than-ideal-but-better-than-nothing relationship. I will understand if people get tired of reading about it and seeing me oscillating between liking and struggling with (A). Thank you for listening.

Hi @Phoenix_Rising

I have read through your posts but havent had a chance to respond properly. I want to give you a considered response so just wanted to drop by and let you know I hear you!!

I will drop by the ocean tomorrow and check-in and respond to these posts much better than I just did Just wanted you to know that you're being heard

I hope the ocean is calm tonight..and just in case I will leave this here for your use

Hi @TheVorticon,

The rest of my day was ok. I crashed for a couple of hours but then I felt much better. I went to yoga tonight. I have tagged you in that thread this evening.

Yeah, my situation is VERY frustrating. (A) really is lovely, it is just super frustrating that she doesn't quite know how to tackle muddles such as mine. Still...if she can provide some stability, then maybe that will be enough for me to plod along and unmuddle some of the muddle myself. Realistically, some of it is a moot point these days anyway. For example, I'm never going to do the friend thing again so understanding why people don't like being around me in the real world isn't such an issue now as it has been in the past. Really, now I just want to be stable enough to be able to gain and sustain steady employment so that I can provide for myself. I know I'm never going to have the "friends and family" thing now. Now it is more about learning to live without that and somehow creating an ok life despite not having that.

Anyway, thank you for stopping by again. I hope you have had an ok day. I am trying not to spend quite so much time on the forums and I haven't managed to get to your thread about not talking tonight. I will have to suss that out tomorrow...and I will also sneak over and see how your skateboarding is getting along.

Night @TheVorticon.

Good night Forum Land. Good night @Former-Member. Thank you for watching over the ocean so that I can feel snuggly and safe as I fall asleep in my shell.

Goodnight little turtle @Phoenix_Rising

Hi @Phoenix_Rising

I read your posts yesterday and I didn't know how to respond - actually I still don't - but having read them I know more about what has happened to you - and although I really don't understand so much I can let you know that I think you were very brave posting so much and great that you have trusted us with so much delicate imformation

Also it seems that you have spoken to your therapist about the issues she read about but didn't bring up in your sessions - and you are supposed to be able to talk about anything you need to there - after all - it's meant to be all about you there - and you are supposed to be in control of the session - and two hours - oh boy - that's a toughie - and or course you would have loud comments to make about such a past

I hope today feels better - you would be exhausted out there in the ocean after such a day - I hope you can come to land for a while

Dec

Hi @Owlunar,

Thank you for dropping by the ocean today. I'm not sure it was so much bravery, as more frustration and despair that led to the 5am post yesterday. It is all such a super giant muddle.

Yeah, (A) is totally fine with me talking about whatever I want to...the thing is, she doesn't have a sense of WHY I want to talk about it. We both know she doesn't have a clear sense of how to actually help me unmuddle the muddle. This is a big part of the despair. She is a good source of social support, but in terms of actually untangling my muddle, we are a bit stuck.

It wasn't me that had the two-hour session yesterday - you are thinking of Outlander. (A) and I do always have a 90 minute session though. That is at my request. I honestly don't know how anyone gets anywhere in a 50 minute session. When I've had 50 minute sessions, it's always seemed to me that I was just starting to settle and open up about stuff, when I was shut down again and shown the door.

It is a super sunny day here in Sydney and the ocean is nice and calm today.

Hi again @Phoenix_Rising

That strange that your therapist doesn't know why you need to talk about that part of your life - I understand needing to talk about it completely - I just don't know how to respond - maybe she feels like that too -

But let's see - there was someone you saw as your father-figure who took out restraining orders against you - that seems really harsh - and his problem I think - but I can't know. My mother didn't go that far - she was just nasty and I kept away from her for most of my life-time - why she had to be like that is her problem and now she has gone and left with a lot of regrets

And I would say you need help to move on from how you are feeling - and a lot of other things - I don't know much about these labels we are given or have or whatever - I think it would be hard to be human without some kind of disorder - but do you think you have something like an attachment thing - because you don't remember your father this makes kind men feel as if you could have a father -figure -

Look - I might be right off the mark here - so feel free to let me know - but I have been trying to understand your post and it seems that is what you need to talk about - and your therapist might be able to help if you could bring it down to a few points -

I ring Life Line now and again - I have found that thinking about a few points when I ring so I can discuss the main thing really good - I get a lot of help there - so let me know if this is helpful.

It's not a comfortable thing to have in your past that's for sure

When I was seeing a psychiatrist - when my son was alive - I was unnerved when he suddenly told me that was enough - I was in analysis then - I saw him three times a week - but still I didn't like suddenly being told that was it for today - so I asked him to put the clock where we could both see it and I started to wind up when the session was ending

I live near Port Phillip Bay - I could walk there - I would love too - but I get up late and have chores etc - but I bet that today - which is fine and sunny and mild - it would look pretty much the same as your ocean

Dec

Sending virtual hugs