@Former-Member @Former-Member @Former-MemberI have been lying awake for about an hour so I figured I may as well turn on the laptop and talk it out. I super love that you guys are always here...even when you are not.
I feel utterly alone here in the real world. When I jumped on here, I read through the posts that you wrote on Friday night @Former-Member and they made me feel calmer. It is super calming to be reminded that I am not TOTALLY alone. You have no idea how much your support means to me.
I am super super super struggling with the hopelessness of my situation in terms of trying to find a therapist I connect with. I am seeing (A) this morning and I can feel the weight of the disconnect between us. I so badly wish I could work with someone that I had a sense of connection with. I miss (K).
(A) seems to have no interest in getting to know or understand my muddle. Everything was written down for her so she does actually know the whole story...and yet she never brings up anything about...well...anything.
(A) knows that after my dad died when I was 7 years old, I became a surrogate partner to my mother. She knows that I fell into an abusive relationship with a youth group leader when I was 14 (and he was 32). She knows that after that ended, I developed a close relationship with my minister who I perceived as my dad. She knows that he started to push me away after a couple of years and that this was the beginning of my chaos. She knows that this man took out two restraining orders against me - one for a year and the other for five years. She knows that two other people along the way have also taken out a restraining order against me and many others have threatened legal action if I contacted them.
(A) knows that I have been thrown out of two churches (it was the minister of each that took out a restraining order), the first of which I had attended since I was 3 years old. She knows that my entire social network was at that church and that that was my "family." She knows that I attempted suicide in 1997 and that I drifted from therapist to therapist in constant crisis, until I found "Fred" (not his real name) in 1999.
(A) knows that Fred was first physically violent during a session only about six months into our...er...therapeutic relationship. She knows that over the next sixteen years he was often verbally aggressive and occassionally physically violent. She also knows that we had a huge amount of contact and that he provided an extremely a-typical level of support.
(A) knows that during those years, Fred supported me through the process of suing the church. She also knows that during that time my mum died and my family, such as it was, disintegrated into oblivion. She knows that I had repeated attempts to form friendships, only for them to end with the person disappearing out of my life (often with a threat of legal action if I contacted again).
(A) knows that there was a final major incident with Fred in 2015, which occurred in public and during which bystanders called the police. She knows that this brought the relationship to an abrupt end. She knows that my uni counsellor then spent weeks searching for a new psychologist for me. She knows that the person (K) found saw me for six months and then decided to close her practice. She knows that I have been searching for someone to help me ever since.
Given all that (A) knows, why is it that we are seven months into weekly therapy and yet have never really discussed any of this? Why is it that even though I know she knows all this stuff because I gave it all to her in writing, she never mentions any of it? Why is it that it feels to me like she doesn't have the slightest interest in knowing about, understanding, or helping me to untangle my muddle?
I feel SO muddled. I don't understand why no-one wants to be around me in the real world. I don't understand why so many people over the years have got angry at me for saying "I love you" to them. I don't understand why so many people have told me I made them feel icky when I hugged them. I don't understand why (E) told me I would always be his kid...and then it was pathologised when I considered myself to always be his kid. I don't understand why Fred told me that the abuse stuff was too weird for him to make sense of and thus in sixteen years of "therapy" it was never spoken about. I don't understand why Fred told me that I don't know what it means to love. I don't understand why Fred told me that I'm too f***ed up for anyone else to treat...and thus far over the past two years he has been proven right. I don't understand why he told me that I'm a stupid f***ing borderline, a f***ing irritant and f***ing evil. I don't understand why he told me that he hated me. I don't understand. Do you hear me? I DON"T UNDERSTAND...and all the let's-just-be-positive and the well-that's-in-the-past DOESN'T HELP ME TO MAKE SENSE OF MY MUDDLE!!!!!
I don't know how to untangle my muddle. I don't know how to make sense of my world. I don't know how to feel ok inside. I don't know how to heal my brain. I don't know how to have the elusive career that everyone kept telling me I would have once I finished my degree. I am stuck, I need help, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIND IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know that the thing I need most in the whole world is to feel safe. And I don't feel safe...because I am not safe. I know I can get super overwhelmed and dysregulated at times. I know I have a near-zero stress tolerance. I know that my brain floods and I can't think. And when that happens, I don't have anyone who will step in. I don't have any "friends and family" who will help me navigate unhelpful systems like Centrelink. I don't have anyone who will help me in my mission to find a therapist I genuinely connect with. I don't have anyone to advocate for me in any way, and that is what makes me so afraid.
Knowing how alone I am triggers memories of me pleading with my mum to help me regarding the whole abuse situation. She didn't want to "cause trouble" and thus never did express any sort of anger or anything towards the church. I am invisible, I am worthless, I do not matter, anybody can do anything to me.
Well, an hour has gone by and I need to start preparing to face another day. Thank you for listening. Thank you for hearing me. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping me to keep rising again and again from the ashes.
I'm pretty sure it states somewhere in the Forum Guidelines that sitting on the nose of other Forumites is unacceptable behaviour. And if it doesn't say that, then clearly the guidelines need to be ammended immediately! 
