Riding a wave

@Owlunar I very much conceptualise my muddle within the framework of attachment theory. Attachment theory is one of my "special interests" and from my perspective BPD is fundamentally an attachment-related issue.When I started seeing (A), she told me she also frames things within an attachment framework...but it turns out she was just saying that for whatever reason and she is now quite open about the fact that she knows nothing of psychodynamic approaches to therapy (and thus doesn't draw on attachment theory at all in her work). This is part of the muddle. Anyway, I will keep plodding along with it. Today the sun is shining and all is well, so I'll just keep swimming

I think I understand @Phoenix_Rising

My son is thought to have had BDP and why not - how could an adopted child not feel abandoned when his birth-mother couldn't keep him? - I have been looking into BDP ever since I heard this late last year and it does explain so much of his life

However - from what you have written about attachment issues and your muddle - wow - it makes the ocean seem like a puddle - knowing him and what I have read - I do understand

I'm not a psychologist - just an amateur - interested though - so I really don't think I have heard anyting about psychodynamic approaches to therapy - but I am a little concerned - as a person with an interest and background interest in psychology yourself it must seem a little odd that a therapist would not use a psychodynamic approach - still - that's a new idea for me and one I have to think about

We have had an unusally fine winter in Melbourne - which is great after the gloomy winter we had last year - it does feel better when the weather is great

Keep plodding away there Phoenix - it's good you wrote about your muddle

Dec

hello @Phoenix_Rising

I will not write some epic responses like I usually do. I am not qualified to even begin to advise you on what to expect from a therapist or how to know if they will be any good.

I also know that you are far too intelligent; you have written your thoughts down as a form of releasing the pressure just slightly.

I have had therapy for many years with time off for good behaviour so to speak.

Two males out of all the psychiatrists have helped me tremendously. The rest I recognised they werent for me and I stopped seeing them.

My experience of psychotherapy, emotion focus therapy, psychodynamice therapy, all similar to a certain degree, is that regardless of how much information the specialist has of your past, they are there to listen. This takes a lot of trust, determination and questioning on the part of the patient.

A... wants to hear which part of your "muddle" as you call it is affecting you during the present moment. She then works with that. If she is good, she will be guided by you. The less she tries to advise, the better she actually is. You do the work and this is how you benefit more. I have not met her, however from what I have read I think that she will be good for you now. Noone knows about the future.

Up to you though. It is vital in any therapy that the patient feels safe and can trust their therapist. The physical contact that you mentioned is a huge trust factor and you have achieved that.

This is all just my perspective and I might be totally off the mark. I just wanted to let you know that sometimes in therapy we come across brick walls, we dont like the therapist, we ask ourselves why we are bothering. Sometimes this actually means that we are making progress. We are being confronted with thoughts we dont want to know about.

Be gentle with yourself and keep up the yoga adventure. love it.

ps. you have many friends on here even though we might seem imaginary we are real xxxx

well not as epic as some of my epics!!

Hi @Former-Member,

Thanks for taking the time to post. You are correct though that I wrote what I wrote to just get it out. The reality is that I have summarized a twenty year muddle in a few paragraphs so a vast amount has been left unsaid. I neither want nor need anyone to try to "fix" this muddle here on the forum, I just needed to be heard.

I have been extremely clear with (A) about what I want and need. We both recognise that we are a bad match. She was very much hoping that things would go well with therapist-take-eleven so that I could move on from her. Alas, that was not to be. Thus we are both in the situation of knowing that we are not working well together, but that her staying is better than her leaving.

This situation is sooooooo not about me not being willing to "do the work." I am desperate to unmuddle my muddle...but alas I cannot find someone to help me with it.

I appreciate that you recognised you could be off the mark with your post. Thank you for acknowledging that.

@NikNik are you the @Former-Member watching over the ocean tonight? The ocean is a little rough tonight. NikNik...I'm scared that my muddle is too muddled to de-muddle. It has all been floating around in my brain far too much this afternoon.

Last week therapist-take-eleven told me I was aiming too high having the goal of employment. I spent twelve years at university for the sole purpose of having a career. What exactly am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? How do I create any sort of life worth living?

NikNik can I tell you something? A very VERY long time ago I told someone very important to me that I wanted to achieve something great in my life. She said to me "Phoenix_Rising, if you can learn to live quietly without annoying everyone around you, then for you that will be a great thing." I think about that a lot. Do you think that is all I can ever hope to achieve?

Fred always told me that I could only ever be "contained and managed." Do you think that's true NikNik? I so very very badly want to unmuddle my muddle.

I'm super struggling. I'm so very very glad that I can hang out here in Forum Land. I wish with all my heart that I could connect with someone in the real world, but Forum Land is a pretty good second-best option. Thank you for thinking I'm ok in spite of my muddle...and super big thank you for watching over the ocean.

Thank you @Phoenix_Rising

apologies for my misunderstanding. I hope that I have not upset you further.

can be so difficult trying to express some things with just words. That is all we have here.

take care

So...funny story...

I had a change-the-world adventure this evening. It was one of those things that I knew would be challenging but I wanted to do it anyway because I super like feeling heard and like I am doing my tinsy tiny bit to change the world.

I walked in and...two of my failed psychologists were there!!!! There was also another one who had told my GP she wouldn't see me because I was "too complex." I was half inclined to walk out again, but nope, I pressed on...with maybe just a little bit of rocking to deal with the anxiety.

During the discussion around the inadequacy of mental health services, I shared the fact that I had seen eleven therapists in 18 months and that several others had refused to see me at all...while three of those very psychologists were sitting in the room.

Seriously, how do I get myself into these muddles! After the meeting finished, a person connected with the organisation that I'm a part of came to check how I was going. I told her about these psychologists being in the room and she burst out laughing. Yep, soooooo awkward and stressful...and yet definitely kind-of funny as well and by the time I was walking back to my car I was in fits of giggles.

@CheerBear while I was trying to settle my anxiety, I was thinking about my brand new awesome psychiatrist that you made for me. I SUPER love having a mermaid psychiatrist with two big ears and no mouth! You know, when I saw the first photo I was thinking about how cool it was that she had two ears and no mouth and I was going to tell you that it was cool that she could listen well and not say anything stupid...and then I scrolled down and you had said basically the same thing!!!! I super love having a not-friend who is so totally on my wavelength. We need to come up with a name for my new psychiatrist. Do you have any thoughts? I will have to have a think about it. I super super super love that you made her for me. You are the best not-friend ever!!!!!!

@Former-Member are you the @Former-Member watching over the ocean tonight? I have been looking forward to you reappearing. How cool is this - now we have a mermaid moderator AND I have a mermaid psychiatrist thanks to CheerBear.

I definitely feel all-at-sea after my funny and yet stressful adventure. @Former-Member @Former-Member @Former-Member how do I get into such muddles? I am tagging you into this story because I can imagine giggling about this adventure with you, which is making me giggle. Once again my life is looking like some sort of weird black comedy. Sometimes I seriously think I'm trapped in something like the Truman Show!