Hi @NikNik,
Can I please tell you something? Last night I was SUPER struggling with a giant wave of suicidal ideation and I was lying in bed riding it out, as I do. While I was daydreaming about suiciding, the picture that you posted on Friday night popped into my brain - it's the one of you searching for me out in the ocean. It made me SUPER cry and...it kind-of made me angry at you because I know that I am in a different space to where I was when I arrived in Forum Land in January. Back then I knew I was completely free to suicide at any time I chose, without anyone even knowing, much less caring. I know I posted here more than once about the immense sense of freedom that I had, knowing that there was no-one to know or care if I suicided.
The fact that you came searching for me when I didn't appear at FF on Friday tells me that I am not in that space anymore. I know that you and a whole bunch of people around here truly do care about me and would notice if I disappeared. I feel mad at you for caring about me. I feel mad at you for popping into my brain when I was daydreaming about suiciding. I feel mad at you for giving me a reason to live when my world is in such a muddle. I just wanted to tell you that.
Anyway, so I saw (A) this morning. Why is my world so absurd? (A), my GP and I all agree that I need to try and find therapist-take-eleven...but I have no idea how to do it. We all also agree that until I find the mythical therapist-take-eleven it is safer to stay with (A) than to sack her because it is better to have someone than no one. So...I am currently seeing a psychologist who we all agree can't help me...but it is safer to stay than to leave. How can I possibly POSSIBLY be in this situation after all the effort of getting away from "Fred."
I feel so stuck! I guess (A) and my GP are feeling equally stuck. If (A) can just avoid doing harm, that will help. I super don't understand why we can't connect...but I know if it hasn't happened now after six months, it isn't going to happen. Today's session was a non-event. I lay under the blanket and (A) put her hand on my back, which makes me feel super calm. There was a LOT of silence in the session - which I liked. The non-silent bits consisted mostly of (A) reflecting back everything I said. I find that infuriating but I accept that this is what a good session with (A) looks like. I figure she defaults to using the micro-counselling skills because she is so anxious. There is no genuine connection between us at all and I can see that she does the whole reflecting thing because she needs to say SOMETHING.
I feel super hopeless. I know I need to find someone new, but I simply don't know how to do that. I simply don't know how. 
Night @NikNik. Thank you for watching over the ocean, and thank you for caring about me...I suppose. 
