I feel super alone and super sad. I hurt everybody who comes near me here in the real world - even if they only come near me via the telephone. I hurt them and then they walk out of my world...and I don't understand why. I don't know what it is I do that hurts people. I don't mean to hurt them - honest. I feel so sad and so alone. How can I ever feel ok about being me when the objective reality is that no one wants to be around me after they have spent a little bit of time with me. I traumatize people...but I don't know how or why.
I know a lot of people sometimes think it would be better for everyone around them if they died, but in truth, children and parents and partners and friends wouldn't be better off - we know that the suicide of a loved one is a catastrophic event that has life-long effects. But when the only people in your world are paid professionals, and you end up causing them so much distress their supervisor has to step in and stop you from engaging with them, then really, how can anyone say that it is "faulty thinking" that leads me to recognise the world would be better off without me??? I am a waste of resources. I burn mental health professionals out such that they then can't help others who are actually help-able.
I am eternally grateful for TTT, but realistically, trying to unmuddle my muddle at the rate of 50 minutes / week while my brain is simultaneously being fried by the giant wrongness of the wrong, is an impossible task. My muddle keeps growing at a rate faster than TTT and I can ever hope to unmuddle it. I am super hoping that the "sorry" of today marks a positive turning point, but the muddle is so gigantic now, it's going to take quite a bit more than that to unmuddle it. Today's "sorry" is what I needed about two months ago. The hole is so so SO much deeper now than it was then.
This is hard. It is so so so SO hard. 
@CheerBear I get the feeling that today has been as tricky for you as it has been for me. Super big thank you for being around last night. I know that you see and hear and feel the big feelings around the wrongness of the wrong, and sometimes I get scared that on top of your own muddles, those feelings will overwhelm you. Super big thank you for sitting with me in my muddle. I have been stuck in my lizard brain all day. I think the "sorry" will help me to move out of it over the next day or so though. The "sorry" super helped.
Today has been hard, and tomorrow will be hard too, and the next day, and the one after that. But the "sorry" has given me the little glimmer of hope that I needed to keep on keeping on. Yay for tiny glimmers of hope - and yay for not living on Venus!
