Riding a wave

I superly duperly like you too my not-disappearing not-friend.

We definitely have a talent for getting smashed by life. It astounds me that I can still get so smashed when I am a recluse who barely leaves her house! Right now I don't feel like my getting up again game is strong at all...but it feels stronger for knowing that I have an awesome not-friend playing the game alongside me.

I am super sleepy from my day of riding gigantic waves and I'll be snuggling into your pocket early tonight. Did you see that SleepyPanda and @Former-Member read Thelma with us last night? Yay for book reading. I know a lot of people (including other mental health professionals!) would find it really odd that TTT reads to me for 2-3 minutes at the start of our sessions. It really does super calm me though and paves the way for a productive session. Thank you for helping me to discover the value of that.

I'm super glad you were able to find rainbows in your day today. These tricky days will pass, CheerBear. I just wish I knew how to make them pass quicker - for you and me and @Former-Member and so many others in Forum Land.

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@Catcakeswrote:
Thanks @Phoenix_Rising..... everyone needs a break from homework sometime ( you’re doing the best you can )

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Thanks @Catcakes. Happily for me, TTT is also someone who totally believes that I am always doing the best I can, even when it may not look like it. Yay for people who get it!

I feel so alone and so muddled. However you look at it, Fred was right and he is the reason I'm not dead. No one can cope with me. I can (or at least I have so far) survive with only seeing TTT once a week now, but back when I started seeing Fred, I couldn't have survived with that limited contact. The extreme amount of contact that we had is the reason I'm not dead. The very emotionally intimate (and unethical) relationship that we had is the reason I'm not dead. How do I make sense of that? How do I make sense of the fact that the man who ruined my life also saved it? How does anyone make sense of that? How do I process the abusive nature of the relationship, when that relationship is also the reason I'm still alive? How do I even clearly identify it as abusive, when the reality is that he was really only responding to me in the same (albeit much more extreme) way that so many other mental health professionals have? Everyone gets angry at me. Everyone gets frustrated at me. The only difference is that he used a bigger voice, called me a lot of bad names, and occasionally became physically aggressive. But he STAYED. Whereas so many others have dumped me (just as Fred always told me they would), he stayed. How does anyone ever make sense of that???

@Former-Member can you please come and say good night on the ocean? I have giant missing River9 feelings and missing CherryBomb feelings.

Night Forum Land.

Sitting with you @Phoenix_Rising