Riding a wave

🙁 Everything feels so wrong. I'm sorry it's all so hard, @Phoenix_Rising.

Thank you for being you and being here, @Faith-and-Hope. 🌷

I feel so utterly hopeless and so very very very scared. How can I be living out such an exact repeat of the trauma of twenty years ago? I am voiceless, I am worthless. I do not matter, anybody can do anything to me. I am collateral damage.

Night @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @CheerBear @Zoe7 and anyone else out on the dark and stormy ocean tonight. Why is it that those without power have understanding, and those with power have no understanding.

Five sleeps until NikNik gets home...and then what?

I do not matter,

I'm only one person,

Destroy me completely,

Then throw me away.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0Pc50W2FnU

@Phoenix_Rising

@Phoenix_Rising Haven't seen you at the party, it might be a time zone thing, but in case it's not, I've grabbed some yummies for you and @Former-Member. I know you are in your shell, so just grab a bit when you feel you can.

🌿🐢💕 @Phoenix_Rising .....

Just leaving these for you, @Phoenix_Rising. (The sea turtle equivalent of flowers, maybe?)

I’m here to listen, to sit, to ride. You matter, @Phoenix_Rising.

@CheerBear I'm so sorry I can't find it in me to be at your not-birthday. Things are so so so SO dark around here now. I don't know how to keep on keeping on anymore CheerBear.

I went to see my GP this morning and I went into utter crisis there...as in the receptionist called to check I wasn't murdering my GP! My GP was appalled that the situation has been allowed to drag on for weeks and ended up making a phone call. The wonderful person who took the call assured my GP that something would be done today. That was around 11am this morning. Since then I've been at home lying on my bed rocking and stimming and trying not to bring the show to an end. I think my baby GP with near-zero knowledge of mental health is very much scratching her head trying to figure out how I can be so amazingly traumatized by a mental health focused organization.

It's SO BAD now @CheerBear. It's so much worse than in was in the days after the event. As every day has passed without the bit being addressed that could have been addressed, my brain has become more and more broken. I'm now at that stage where I just rock and stim and will start screaming at the tiniest trigger. How can this be, CheerBear? How can this possibly possibly be?

Today is exactly 12 months since therapist-take seven had me scheduled in the psych ward...and tomorrow it will be exactly 12 months since she called to say she would have no further contact with me, two hours after I got out of the psych. ward. I am invisible, I am worthless, I do not matter, I am collateral damage.