Riding a wave

@Faith-and-Hope I'm too scared to say ANYTHING. All your suggestions sound so completely reasonable to me...which tells me there is something very wrong with the fact that none of them are implementable for reasons I don't think I'm allowed to say.

The waves are MASSIVE @Faith-and-Hope. All those feelings of being shut down and silenced just like back at the church are totally flooding my brain. I don't matter, anybody can do anything to me, no one hears me. It's massive @Faith-and-Hope, it's MASSIVE.

I am glad that they sound completely reasonable to you @Phoenix_Rising in the hope that it helps you to feel a tiny bit of support in this situation .....

Without you “no touching the turtle” rule, I would probably want to scramble up onto the pause button with you ..... but I understand that too .....

Here is another story for you tho -

Horton Hatches the Egg is a children's book written and illustrated by Theodor Geisel under the pen name Dr. Seuss and published in 1940 by Random House. The book tells the story of Horton the Elephant, who is tricked into sitting on a bird's egg while its mother, Mayzie, takes a permanent vacation to Palm Beach. Horton endures a number of hardships but persists, often stating, "I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful, one hundred percent!" Ultimately, the egg hatches, revealing an elephant-bird, a creature with a blend of Mayzie's and Horton's features.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Tw0vEc7sU7w

@Faith-and-Hope What is going on? I totally understand pausing on the Forum Land stuff, but why haven't I been able to get any support around what happened on the phone? I have respected NikNik's rule and not said here in Forum Land what exactly happened. Why on earth haven't I been able to get any support around it behind the scenes? Three weeks on, I have no idea why that call unfolded the way it did.

I feel utterly utterly utterly worthless.

Have you return-emailed the mods from one of the forum notifications ? Not needing an answer ..... just wanting to suggest it if it is not something you have tried .....

I hope talking to you about this is better than just staying silent @Phoenix_Rising ..... even if I can’t make the muddle itself any better ....

@Faith-and-Hope What do you mean return-emailed a mod? I haven't received any emails from any moderators. I did however just send a massive dumping email and I feel better for having done that.

When you receive a Sane notification email for someone tagging you in a post - like presumably this one from me ..... you can click on Reply, and return-email the mods.

@Phoenix_Rising

Oh...I don't receive emails - I turned off all email notifications. Thank you for being here @Faith-and-Hope. It super helps. I know they won't respond to the email. They let me dump out the big feelings but they don't reply. Dumping is helpful...but it would be so much more helpful to be able to actually talk through and process the muddle.

I'm scared that the muddle isn't going to get unmuddled even when NikNik gets home. I know she is just going to say that the phone part is something that needs to be addressed at the HC, which is why I have no idea why it hasn't been addressed yet. Even if I could just get a reason for that, it would help. I DO understand that I have to stay on my pause button re. the Forum Land muddle until NikNik gets home and I'm being super good at that. But not having received any support around the phone muddle is utterly bewildering to me.

I think I can go back to lying on my bed, rocking and stimming now. The giant waves of suicidal ideation have settled through having had someone (i.e. you) hear me. Super big thank you.

I am so glad it has helped you somewhat @Phoenix_Rising ..... thank you for tagging me when you did. I will be around .....

🌿🐢💕