Riding a wave

@CheerBear I'm scared that the muddle won't get unmuddled even when NikNik gets home. I'm scared that it will just be forgotten and my broken brain will be written off as collateral damage. This feels super super scary because it feels so much like a previous situation, which was the beginning of all my muddles.

It is definitely always super helpful to be reminded that you are here. You are my not-friend @CheerBear. You are the only individual that comes into my mind when the urge to walk into my garage and bring the curtain down on this absurd show called my life, is so overwhelmingly strong. The only person I think about is you.

I'm superly duperly glad we are not-friends @CheerBear.

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@CheerBear wrote:
I get how so incredibly painful and horrible and agonising it is when things remind me of my muddles. It is pain that has no words for me. I can imagine the pain you may be in @Phoenix_Rising. I can understand even without needing to know, how this storm might have the same kinds of feelings as another situation, and I hear and see how scary it is.

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Super big thank you for getting how painful and damaging muddles are when they are repeats of past muddles @CheerBear. I really don't think the helping people are hearing that at all...and I don't understand why and I don't know how to make them hear. It would help so much to just be able to TALK about it!!!!

Only 7 sleeps now until NikNik comes home. How amazingly awesome is it going to feel when she appears in Forum Land next week!!!

@Former-Member will you keep watching over the ocean tonight? Do you think I'm doing a super good job of staying on my pause button? It's so so SO hard.

Goodnight @CheerBear @Zoe7 @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope and anyone else out on the ocean tonight. At least now I have my toy turtle with me on my pause button.

Hi @Phoenix_Rising,

I just wanted to let you know that I am riding this wave with you tonight, as you sit on the pause button waiting for Nik to come back.

@CheerBear Well the good news is that my turtle whisperer likes TTT and seems to think we will be a good match. The bad news is that my turtle whisperer told me that she (as in turtle whisperer) will need to finish up working with me at the end of January.

I can't win, CheerBear, I simply can't win. The plan was that there would be a very gradual transition to TTT to maximise the chances of success. Now it is going to be much more rushed, with that sense of urgency that she HAS to be a good match because I sure as heck can't therapist shop by myself. If it turns out that she is another turtle whisperer, then it should be ok, but if we hit a glitch and my turtle whisperer isn't around to help unmuddle a muddle, then I will be kind-of screwed.

We had a SUPER hard session...as in it got to the point where my turtle whisperer was asking me if I intended to act on my urge to suicide today or whether I was just talking about what I would LIKE to do. Of course I said it was just what I'd like to do. It's kind-of funny isn't it - she has to ask the question, knowing full well that I'm going to respond like that irrespective of my actual intentions because to respond otherwise would be to set in motion that whole traumatic saga of police, hospital etc. So, she asks the question knowing what answer I'm going to give, I give that answer, and then we end the session both knowing that I live alone and am 100% free to end up life any time I choose.

Sigh...I definitely could quite happily suicide today...except for one obnoxious little carebear who somehow slipped through a crack in my shell.

I'm super super super struggling in the giant waves. I feel utterly utterly utterly hopeless. I super want to die today.

Alone, alone,

All all alone,

Alone on a wide, wide sea,

And never a saint took pity on,

My soul in agony.

I do not matter,

I'm only one person,

Destroy me completely,

Then throw me away.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0Pc50W2FnU

Oh @Phoenix_Rising I don't know what to say, but wanted to say I'm listening and caring and wish things could be different, but they are not, we both know that. I know the words in the pic are silly, but I couldn't find a turtle saying what I wanted to say.