Riding a wave

Also here riding the wave and getting my morning laps in, so I am close by but not too close 🙂 @Phoenix_Rising

I am lying on the floor verbally stimming in a sunny spot with my toy turtle. My psychologist has emailed to say she will call in an hour. I can survive an hour. I have a twenty year track record of surviving every day living with BPD. That means I've survived about 175,320 hours thus far...so I can survive another one. I feel super super super yuck. I know I am flooded. I know that when the big feelings subside, I will be able to work through this muddle. I have survived a whole lot worse than this one dumb a*se person. I can survive this - it just feels yuck NOW. But it will pass and this will become another story that I can share to help others feel less alone when the people who are supposed to help actually do harm. I can do this.

@Former-Member I am super super super glad you are there. You "get" it don't you. What happened yesterday (see my neurofeedback thread) is not ok. That shouldn't happen!!!! Thanks for being close...but not too close. I think I need a tinsy tiny turtle hug. Congratulations, you have made it onto the extremely exclusive list of those I will accept a hug from...but only a tiny one.

Oh thank you, a tiny turtle hug 🙂

You can do this @Phoenix_Rising, you have done this before so I know from fact that you are able to !

@Faith-and-Hope I super appreciate the sentiment...but I let all those hugs float by. I'll let you know if you ever make it onto my list.

I spoke with my psychologist, but realistically, only time is going to settle the storm. The events of yesterday triggered so MUCH of my muddle and even though I super like A, I know there is really nothing that can be said or done now with respect to this situation. The big feelings just need to run their course. And for that reason, I'm now going to go and curl up in my bed, telling myself that it is totally ok if the only thing I do today is stay alive. I feel totally destroyed and utterly hopeless...but I know it will pass.

Thanks for the tiny turtle hug @Former-Member...and thanks for knowing, as I do, that I will get through this storm just like the bazillion other storms that have gone before it.

@CherryBomb I'm really in a pickle right now. I saw your response in the worry room. This wave is a super super big one. I tried calling the SANE helpline but the person who answered wasn't a Forumite and didn't know my story, and I couldn't find my words to get it out. I feel super alone and super hopeless. Will you please ride the wave with me?

Hi @Phoenix_Rising, we're doing a bit of mod baton passing at the moment - or whatever the equivalent under the water action would be - so I'm going to cruise along with you for a little while until Rockpool catches up with us. Cherrybomb needed to get out of the ocean as she was a bit too water-logged and her fingers had started to look like prunes.

@Former-Member Thank you for riding with me. It's not ok what happened yesterday, Suzanne. It's really really really not ok. (A) and I were really starting to get somewhere and I was starting to see a tiny glimmer of hope that I could find a reason to keep living after X happens. And now it is all smashed. How can I make any meaningful contribution to the world anywhere, when I don't know how to not become totally chaotic when I get so flooded. I am pretty good at recognising what situations I can and can't cope with. I navigated a very uncomfortable situation the other day really well because I KNEW it was going to be uncomfortable and I was able to use all my tools in my toolkit to get through it. But yesterday I was totally blindsided, and the reality is, out there in the big wide world, that is going to happen. And the other reality is that the vast majority of the population (including police, ambulance dudes, and mental health professionals) have no idea how to deal with it. How can I ever hope to have any sort of a job, when the sort of thing that happened yesterday can happen pretty much anywhere, any time. What happened yesterday was an agonizing reminder that it doesn't matter how hard I try, it can still go amazingly a*se up at any moment and both me and the people who see it, get really traumatized by it. I KNOW how big it is. I KNOW how loud and chaotic it is. I KNOW how scary it is. I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX IT...and it seems that no-one else does either.