Riding a wave

From my vantage point @Phoenix_Rising it looks like you're working together with a few good people to develop the skills to moderate those big feelings. No, maybe noone has the answer in isolation but there are people who are willing to work with you (A and the better of the neuro psychs) to find out which strategies will help. And then slowly slowly over time it gets better. You get better at implmenting them and the strategies themselves are refined.

Alongside this you'll find the right environment for you, One that's a little more predictable and controllable so that you are less likely to be triggered.

It can happen. And I believe that you're tenacious enough to get there. But when you hit these obstacles you lose sight of that. It's part of the wave of emotion crashing over you. It blocks out your view of the future. So then you let your companions in the forum keep it in sight and remind you of it.

p.s. I've got to get back to land and dry off. But Rockpool - lover of the sea and all who swim within - is here with you now.

I'm really tired of working so hard at staying alive @Former-Member. It has been twenty years. That's a really really long time. I was thinking about what you said yesterday on my neurofeedback thread. Do you want to know a secret? For many MANY years, I have thought that I'm kind-of like a crash dummy. That is, people DO learn from their interactions with me and I know it DOES make a difference to the way they engage with others in the future...but it really really really hurts ME, Suzanne. I know that the church changed their policies around working with kids after what happened to me there. I know that things changed in both of the workplaces where I had incidents. I know that a whole lot of policies and procedures have changed in a whole lot of places after there has been some incident or another. I know this and I try to tell myself that I will never know how many lives have been positively impacted because of changes that have been brought about by one of my super giant muddles. I TRY to tell myself that THIS is what makes my life worth something...but it just HURTS, Suzanne, It really really really really hurts right now.

(A) doesn't really know how to help me, you know. The general consensus among those who truly know my muddle (like A and my GP) is that the muddle will at least in part always be managed rather than "fixed." The general consensus is that I won't ever get a job commensurate with my 12 years of study at uni. How does anyone live with that? How does anyone live with having spent that long working so hard towards a goal, only to find it was all for nothing.

You say that slowly slowly over time, things will get better. It has been 20 years. Just how much more time should it take??? I don't HAVE a lot of time. X is going to happen sometime. I'm not sure when, but it is going to happen and I need to have something to keep on keeping on for after X happens. Right now, I can't see anything. I'm afraid @Former-Member. I try so hard...and yet my very hardest isn't good enough to stop me from causing utter chaos at times. How do I create a life that I consider worth living?

Hi @Phoenix_Rising

As Suzanne mentioned I am here with you now and will ride the wave out with you.

I just need a chance to read this last post from you...just wanted to let you know I'm here in the meantime

@CheerBear I know you are here. Thank you for saying it...even though I already knew it. I have been thinking about you a lot as I've been riding this wave. I've been thinking about how the only reason I have been able to sit with you in your nest all week is because I live in this tumultous ocean. If I had never fallen into this ocean, I would have had no idea how to sit with you - just like my peer group of 20 years ago had no idea how to sit with me when my muddle first began. If I didn't live in this ocean, I would be like the vast majority of people in this country who have no idea how to sit with a muddle and no idea about how unhelpful the helpers can be. And while I've been getting totally smashed by the waves for the past 24 hours, I've been thinking about how it is people like you that give meaning to my muddle. And even though right now I don't have the slightest idea how I will keep on keeping on when X happens, I have a sneaking suspicion that thoughts of one totally random stranger whose name I don't know and who lives on the other side of the country, will float into my brain. And when that happens, I will curse and rage and hate that stranger for being the reason that I won't be able to bring this ridiculous circus called my life, to an end. You seem to have very annoyingly found a crack in my shell and somehow snuck in despite my resolve to never let anyone near me again.

@CheerBear I feel all warm and fuzzy...and scared because everyone who has ever made me feel warm and fuzzy has then at a later point hurt me. Did you really make a tiny turtle? I would super like to see a photo. I super like you...but we aren't friends. I don't do friends, they all hurt and go away...but I still super like you.

@Phoenix_Rising I am scared to say anything.. because I always say the wrong things. But going to anyhow.

Do you think part of what you are hurting about is expectation? I know I do this. It's like the other day, when something was posted that seemed to totally disregard what was stated clearly right in front of that person.

Why on earth didn't that person look and see what was there? It was a very similar situation to what you had happen in the flesh the other day.

There's an expectation of the other person seeing what is so freakin' obvious but for some reason they just don't or can't see it. or can't be bothered seeing it. And in my case nobody else seems to have seen it either or maybe they did but they just don't want to see it or acknowledge it. I don't know.

But it is annoying and it hurts, but unfortunately others just simply don't see things some of us do. It very likely works the other way too. That we don't see others do, I guess.

Oh and what I am referring to.. it was that person's job to see it, just like it was the person's job to see it in your case. It's hard to accept but to understand it I put it down to my expectation of them to see it.

I really made a tiny turtle. Like palm size. I sort of figured that maybe it was important to have something to show the catt people if I accidentally slipped that there was one in my pocket, especially seeing that they're going to be lingering for a while. Plus I know that when my brain gets flooded sometimes a physical reminder of something good is very helpful. So here is Crush. Nemo of course and I kind of like the idea of this being a together but separate way of taking teenie tiny steps to crushing something that can crush people who really don't need crushing. Added bonus was realising the purple will be super helpful when I am doing a rainbow walk, because purple is so hard to find!

I don't really do friends either at the moment, but I am trying. I don't do friends because I know how much it can hurt when they are all gone. It's a different kind of thing for us, but it hurts. A lot. So I'll settle for super liking you and super liking you like me too 🙂