@Former-Member I super like that you can appear on the ocean on your flying island. I'm superly duperly struggling. It isn't like my turtle whisperer just told me today that she won't be able to work with me long-term @CheerBear @Zoe7, I've known this since I started with her. It has just become super bigger right now because we were talking about some of the stuff that is at the very core of my muddle - stuff that I don't share here in Forum Land or anywhere other than with extra super safe people like my turtle whisperer. And this has super reinforced how much she could help me if she could commit to working long-term with me. The stuff we talked about, is stuff that I hadn't discussed with any of therapists 1-11. It is stuff that Fred knew about, but that we never discussed. It is like a giant puzzle piece that suddenly makes clear to whoever I choose to disclose it to, a lot of why I am as I am and why I do as I do. And it was SO NICE to feel safe enough to tell my turtle whisperer. I simply don't know how to find someone else that I feel that safe with. I know they exist, my turtle whisperer and (K) are proof of that. But how do I FIND them????? (A) and the psychologist who dumped me in November are both on the Victims of Crime list. They SHOULD have a solid understanding of complex trauma...but they don't. So how do I FIND the safe person who can help me unmuddle my muddle!!!!!!!!!!
I have one person that I want to try. She sounds good on paper. I wanted to try her last year, but her boss said no to her taking me on because she was going to be on leave for a few months early this year. But she is back now, so in theory, if that truly was the only reason her boss was saying no, then hopefully she will be open to working with me. She really does sound good on paper...but after eleven hellish experiences since February last year, how can I feel anything other than sick at the thought of sussing out someone new!!!!!!!!!!
@Former-Member I so badly need therapist-take-thirteen to "get" me. I need her to have a strong understanding of complex trauma and attachment-related muddles. I need her to be able to cope with the fact that when I'm dysregulated I make weird noises to regulate. I need her to get that a lot of my muddle exists in a very primal part of my brain...so trying to reason about it doesn't work so well. I need her to help me figure out what is fixable and what will only ever be managed.
The thing I need most in the world is to feel safe. And how does one feel safe when the objective reality is that one is utterly alone in the world? And the nature of my muddle is such that human connections here in the real world invariably go amazingly arse-up. It's a super giant muddle @Former-Member. Even my turtle whisperer acknowledged more than once today that yep, it is a pretty big muddle. How am I ever going to unmuddle it? My turtle whisperer and I have had something on our to-do list for the past three sessions...and still didn't get to it today. How does anyone unmuddle a giant muddle at the rate of an hour a week? How does this work? Once again I am feeling like I am trying to bail out the Titanic with a teaspoon...while there is still water pouring in. And to be honest, I am feeling a bit like my turtle whisperer is feeling the same way after today's session. You see, this is what happens. People THINK they know my story. It sounds so simple; my treatment goal is to gain and sustain employment. Everyone smiles and nods and says that that doesn't sound too hard...and then they start hearing the story.
I am super struggling. Can I climb aboard your island for a while @Former-Member? Those coconuts aren't going to fall on my head are they? Thank you for riding the waves with me.
