Riding a wave

@Phoenix_Rising I so appreciate how much you understand and empathise with my 'struggle' little turtle. I know that if we could get my physical problems more under control that the mental side could then be worked on! I also knowthat the emotional toll this is taking on me is further adding to my physical pain. it is such a difficult position to be in - especially when we know why it is all happening but cannot do much about it other than continue to monitor how I am and wait until I am well enough physically to tackle the 'big' issues. That I see a being a very long way off - and I really do not know if I can keep going as I am for much longer.

Yes we have a 100% success rate so far - I suppose all I can do is hope that continues and that one day my life will have some meaning.

Goodnight little turtle - so very, very glad that you are here and definitely appreciate all the support you have given me

I hear you @CheerBear just as I do @Phoenix_Rising

You are right - we do not know what is around the corner - but our challenge most days is actually getting to that corner first and that is even harder to do when it is so dark that you cannot even see there is a corner!!!

Both you CB and little turtle are an inspiration to me - you both keep going despite the huge obstacles that you face. Your words often resonate with me also - as does your bravery for being so open and honest (and I do know CB there is alot of 'specifics' that you cannot share but your pain comes across so well in your posts - as does you joy!). I do believe we are very lucky in one respect - that is we have found each other here to share and walk together through our 'muddles'. Where would any of us be without the support of the forum - realistically I know where I would be!!!!

Hi @CheerBear@Phoenix_Rising and @Zoe7

It is really interesting reading what you are brave enough to write about your lives - muddles and emotional puddles and physical aches etc - all mixed up together

I do remember a past life like this and yes - I am still the same person - although one day when things were very bleak someone asked me what I had done in a past life to deserve "All of this"

Nothing of course - I don't believe in past lives and certainly not into our deserving what we have going on when our lives are so rough

Thanks for sharing as you do - I notice more people opening up with their struggles and I am sure this helps - I know that reading what you write gives me the insight I am seeking

Got super-hugs for all of you

Dec

I hear you are not well little turtle - that is all you need hey Just dropping in a present for you if you start getting too hot @Phoenix_Rising... look after yourself and I hope you are feeling better tomorrow - I definitely know how hard it is to even think clearly when you are physically unwell

Thank you for dropping by the ocean over the past few days @CheerBear @Owlunar @Zoe7.

@CheerBear Thank you for your super nice post. I definitely don't feel like I'm giving anything when I'm in the depths of the darkness. You mentioned that I inspire you...methinks you inspire me more. I guess we probably ARE moving through the mud. It's just soooooo slooooooow that we can't see it.

@Zoe7 Like you, I know where I would be without Forum Land. My world took a very significant turn for the worse when therapist-take-eight dumped me in November, and as you know, there has been therapist-take-nine, ten AND eleven since then. I would never have got through the past nine months without the support of Forum Land.

@Zoe7, do you want to know a secret? I think you are aware that I have talked several times about how I was only hanging on until X happens. Well, just after my super awesome birthday party, I told one of the moderators via email that I now know that I will survive X. It is still going to be horrendous and a category 5 storm, but I know that with the support I have here, I will survive it. That shifted because of the amazing party that you and @CheerBear created for me. You created memories of my 40th birthday that I will cherish forever. I had been dreading that day, but you made it so super special. I have positive memories of that day now and nothing in the world can ever take them away. I will survive when X happens because I know there are people here who super care about me. I know that in Forum Land at least, I matter...just as you do too @Zoe7.

Thank you for your kind words @Owlunar. I don't really see my sharing as an act of bravery. Maybe I have got used to telling my story over and over (and over and OVER) again, such that I am ok about sharing it anywhere, anytime, if I think it will make a positive difference to someone. And then of course, there are the times like last week, when I'm venting for the purely selfish reason of keeping myself afloat.

Good night Forum Land. @Former-Member are you the @Former-Member watching over the ocean tonight? Did you take Mr Polar Bear to work today? Did anyone notice him wandering around the office? Super big thank you for watching over the ocean. Night.

You just made me cry @Phoenix_Rising

I do remember very clearly you talking about when X happens. I am so happy for you that you believe you can now get through X.

You are the one that made your party so special - because you are special... and we do care about you - sooooo much. I think you are quite amazing to go through sooooooooooo many therapists and still move forward (even if it is really stormy sometimes). Whatever the weather - we ARE here right with you little turtle. From the first time you snuggled into the corner of TOR because you felt safe there - you made me happy.

You do not have any idea how important your support is when I can't see a way out of this life - those tiny little hand touches mean so much to me because I know how hard that would be for you (even in the virtual world).

You really do MATTER - and I will remind you of that whenever you forget.

Sleep well little turtle (sorry but one of these is coming your way tonight because I wanna...)

Good morning Forum Land,

I see that whoever was moderating last night must be H2O intolerent. I guess it wasn't @Former-Member. Thank you @CheerBear and @Zoe7 for dropping by.

The ocean is looking vastly different today compared to how it was last week...which I guess goes to show for the one-hundred-and-fifty billionth time that big feelings pass and things change. Having been thrown one little (or actually kind-of big) lifeline, I am feeling infinitely more like I can keep on keeping on. Knowing this is in place has calmed my whole system such a lot.

And guess what? When I woke up this morning, I discovered an email from the lecturer who I did marking for last semester. She has asked me to do another marking gig. Yay for me. Now I just need to keep my world steady and stable enough to be able to actually do it (cos I sure as hell wouldn't have been able to last week!). It isn't for a couple of weeks so HOPEFULLY there will be no stormy seas then.

The third thing that has made today dawn bright is something that a Forumite shared with me yesterday. She asked me if I had heard of Shaina Noll. I hadn't, but I googled, and I found that she has lots of super nice songs. This one is my favourite: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aF7yFOlOk9M I played it last night and I've been playing it this morning and now it is stuck in my brain. Given a lot of the other stuff that is stuck in my brain - some of which poured out here on the ocean last week, I am ok with this song being stuck in my brain.

Look how calm the ocean is today @NikNik, @Former-Member @Former-Member @Former-Member. Thank you for caring so much about one muddled little sea turtle.

Hello @Phoenix_Rising

I am bobbing along the ocean for a while this morning. I hope you are swimming along ok today.

Take care,

MummaMia