@CheerBear I am sitting here crying and feeling mad at you because when I think about walking into my garage and suiciding, you pop into my brain. You are in my brain and so is @Former-Member and @Former-Member and @Former-Member. It's not fair! The people who care can't actually help and the person who could actually help, doesn't care.
It truly feels to me like (A) has got her name on the list of victims services counsellors without having any genuine interest in treating trauma. It feels like she just sees it as a source of referrals.
I don't know what to do. I feel utterly hopeless. (A) said that we both need to work at communicating better...BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE ANY CLEARER!!!!! On Monday I handed her my phone and let her READ THAT POST that Froginthepond suggested might be useful stuff to talk through with my therapist. I mean seriously HOW MUCH CLEARER CAN I BE???????????????
I am GOOD at communicating my needs. I know that people aren't mind-readers, I know I need to use my "I need..." and "I feel..." statements.
My goal in therapy is to create a life worth living, which for me means stable employment. Here is the very good handover report that therapist-take-one wrote (in writing). Here is my own brief overview of my history (in writing). Here is the neuropsych assessment I had done (in writing). Here is the autism assessment I had done (in writing). Here is the very comprehensive legal report that details the icky abuse stuff (in writing). There! You have my treatment goal and my entire history IN WRITING. WHICH PART OF THIS COMMUNICATION IS NOT CLEAR???????????????
Sometimes here in Forum Land I hear people go on about how ultimately it is the client that needs to "do the work." WHAT DOES THAT MEAN????????? I am trying SO HARD. I am doing everything I can to heal my brain. The one thing I cannot do alone is the interpersonal and attachment-related stuff. By definition attachment issues can only be healed in relationship. And given that for reasons I do not understand no-one wants to be around me here in the real world, I kind-of need some professional support around this.
I need a therapist who understands the atttachment stuff and works within that framework. The loudest message I have received from (A) is that she is not there and I can't turn to her for support. By definition this is the antithesis of developing a secure attachment. This relationship has become a repeat of a thousand past relationships: I do not matter, anybody can do anything to me, I am invisible, I am worthless. HOW IS THIS HELPFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And so I am clinging like a drowning turtle to Pebbles, Rockpool and Lunar. I know I'm clinging. I know that what is happening with (A) is frying my brain. I know I am chaotic. I know my brain is flooded. I know I am desperate. I know I'm taking up too much time and resources. I don't want to be like this, but I also don't know how to fix it!
I miss Fred. I should never have left him. I was much safer with him than I am now. It was much safer being told I was a stupid f***ing borderline who could only ever be contained and managed, than it is trying to find alternative support. It is TWO YEARS since the final showdown with Fred. He would laugh at me so much now if he knew what was happening. He would so love to be telling me "see, I told you so. I told you that you are too f***ed up for anyone else to treat." He was right and I was wrong. He wins.
{Snuggles into @CheerBear's pocket with Squishy, Mr Seahorse and the super safe Dr. Havetodo}.
