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Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember16 Mar 2017, 8:45 pm AEDT

Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

I realise how little i mean to people. i mean nothing.
its abit like walking down a long dark street never knowing when a light might flick on to show me the way or give me some hope.
im tired of trying. tired of hoping. tired of coping. tired of exisiting. tired of breathing. i think im done.
dear everyone that knows me, im sorry im such a disapointment. im sorry i cant live up to your expectations. im sorry i was born. im sorry if ive hurt you. im sorry if ive made you miserable. i deserve all the blame and hatred i have gotten. everything is my fault and im sorry.
im locked within the walls of my own minds and i just cant escape it.
Pain. Pain all the time. It runs through my veins a fast flowing river with nothing there to stop it.
Just get over it they say. i wish i could, im living minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. im struggling with memories that haunt me everyday and i dont think they will ever fade.
my thoughts are overwhelming and what hurts me the most is when people pretend to care but really they dont.
im so scared. things just arent the same anymore. im not doing anything right anymore. ive lsot myself, the person i once knew isnt here anymore. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like i dont belong here or in reality. no where. i have constant feelings of being unworthy and hopeless, of being a prisioner in my own body.
i have so much pain physically and mentally. i try to stay happy. i try to keep smiling. i try to be brave. i try to be stong. i try to act like everything is ok but im far from it.
i never know when im going to have a 'good' day and at any minute im triggered and takes such a long time to recover.
there are monsters living inside me, attacking me, ripping me apart from the inside. i dont think its ever going to end
but its ok "ill just have to get over it" just as expected

1972 replies

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In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember12 Apr 2017, 11:12 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Yes @CheerBear the scary tests coming up

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

CheerBearSenior Contributor12 Apr 2017, 11:22 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

I wanted to say earlier that I understand how scary these things can be @Former-Member. I am a survivor myself and have had more invasive procedures, tests and operations than I can recall thanks to complications with childbirth. These are lifelong issues for me and many of them have been very hard. I'm sharing this with you in the hope that you will feel even more like there are people who understand. It took me a very long time to trust my GP and she is someone else I can no longer see which has put me in a tricky situation again. I found that there are SA trained pap test providers where I am, which is something I am looking into at the moment. I am wondering whether you could ask your GP about this too as it may be worth exploring. The other thing I was able to do once was be prescribed a strong sedative for a painful and difficult procedure that was performed by my GP. This might also be worth discussing with your GP.

These are practical things, they don't change how hard it can feel. but they can help ease the fear and discomfort.

Massive hugs again.

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember12 Apr 2017, 11:28 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Thank you for sharing @CheerBear ❤
Its not going to be my gp doing it. Itll be the women's health nurse i was speaking too. I do trust her do i think it might be ok.
Do you think i could make an appointment to just ask my questions?? Then organise the test.....

Maybe i should start thinking constantly "its for my health and nothing more" and pretty much live by those words until its done??

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

CheerBearSenior Contributor12 Apr 2017, 11:36 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

I'm a huge believer in making informed decisions @Former-Member and if you're feeling like some more information would be good then yes I think that's a great approach. As for the way you think about it, yes these tests are here for our health and if you think that will help you then again, i think that's the right approach to take. If you've got a few weeks to go you can start really practicing some relaxation/breathing techniques so they're ready to use if you need as well. Finding a picture of somewhere completely awesome or adventurous or wild or relaxing and studying it so you can visualise it in tiny detail to 'go to' if you get overwhelmed might help.

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember12 Apr 2017, 11:41 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Thanks @CheerBear
I think ill make that appointment i dint think thinking that ways going to help though. Maybe ill be a little more relaxed after more questions have been answered......
I dont know how ill go ok the day but if i start really practicing relaxation techniques hopefully ill be able to do do those.
I like the picture idea. Id use the garden background

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember12 Apr 2017, 11:50 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

And sorry @CheerBear for the questions i dont have any one else to talk to about anything

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

CheerBearSenior Contributor12 Apr 2017, 11:53 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Seriously don't apologise for questions @Former-Member 🙂 Questions are good! I have to tread super carefully around some topics though, so if I don't reply to something it's usually either because I'm busy or I'm keeping myself 'safe' which is super important.

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember13 Apr 2017, 9:25 am AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Dealing with very big emotions again today.
Shite my heart hurts
My sisters rubbing it in again already
I miss my nan
Im scared and nervous
And i feel so sick 😞

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember13 Apr 2017, 9:59 am AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Amd tomorrow going to be hard as its my sisters date of attack 😞

In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember13 Apr 2017, 11:43 am AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Hi @Former-Member

I can hear that you have really be having a hard few days. Trying to cope with big emotions is never easy. Birthdays and anniversaries are always hard and it doesnt sound like your sister is helping too much.

You mentioned that you are feeling scared and nervous. Is this about the tests that you have coming up? The suggestions of learning some relaxation techniques is a good idea from @CheerBear. @Phoenix_Rising's suggestions of breathing through it or just being are also good. I know sometimes these things are much easier said then done.

Is there something that you feel may be helpful for you today? Even if that is chatting to people here.

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.