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I realise how little i mean to people. i mean nothing. its abit like walking down a long dark street never knowing when a light might flick on to show me the way or give me some hope. im tired of trying. tired of hoping. tired of coping. tired of exisiting. tired of breathing. i think im done. dear everyone that knows me, im sorry im such a disapointment. im sorry i cant live up to your expectations. im sorry i was born. im sorry if ive hurt you. im sorry if ive made you miserable. i deserve all the blame and hatred i have gotten. everything is my fault and im sorry. im locked within the walls of my own minds and i just cant escape it. Pain. Pain all the time. It runs through my veins a fast flowing river with nothing there to stop it. Just get over it they say. i wish i could, im living minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. im struggling with memories that haunt me everyday and i dont think they will ever fade. my thoughts are overwhelming and what hurts me the most is when people pretend to care but really they dont. im so scared. things just arent the same anymore. im not doing anything right anymore. ive lsot myself, the person i once knew isnt here anymore. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like i dont belong here or in reality. no where. i have constant feelings of being unworthy and hopeless, of being a prisioner in my own body. i have so much pain physically and mentally. i try to stay happy. i try to keep smiling. i try to be brave. i try to be stong. i try to act like everything is ok but im far from it. i never know when im going to have a 'good' day and at any minute im triggered and takes such a long time to recover. there are monsters living inside me, attacking me, ripping me apart from the inside. i dont think its ever going to end but its ok "ill just have to get over it" just as expected
In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
Awww i didnt know i could hurt do much 😭😭😭😭😭
In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
Its hurts so much i can hardley breathe
In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
im like this all the time. Im hurting and I didnt think it could get worse but yet again im proved wrong. Its never going to get better. I dont want to survive anymore. I want to live freely and yet I cant. Everytime I think im ok, bam nope im not. I cant take this anymore. My nans first birthday not being with us is tomorrow and everytime I think maybe I can let this horse go I just cant. It doesnt help that my sisters rubbing it in, she knows how much that horse means to me. I would almost give my life to have her back she means so much to me. I dont think people deserve anything bad in their lives but everything points to me that im failing at everything and I deserve everything that comes my way. Im stressing about this lump and this stupid pap smear that I booked in for three weeks from now. Im super scared and stressed and I dont know what to do about that. I hope they dont mind me coming In first to ask a heap of questions before the exam. I miss my nan so much that id give the other bit of my ife to see her again. I miss my horse and im called her mine since I had her for 6 years and I miss her like crazy. I cant move forward. I cant even write that letter to her, I tired to do that earlier today and the paper was drenched and I couldnt see the words and the paper broke. And that conversation I had today has really knocked me down. I dont know how im going to get back up from this one. Maybe its just easier to stay under 😞
In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
Hi @Former-Member, It sounds like you are super flooded with big feelings. I can hear how much you don't want to live right now. However, I also know that when our brain gets flooded with big feelings, it makes it impossible to think clearly because the thinking part of our brain is swamped with all those big feelings. When I am super flooded, I know that all I can do is ride it out and wait for the flood to pass. I hope your flood settles soon. If nothing is helping it to settle tonight, then simply breathe and let the waves of emotion wash over you. All you have to do is breathe. You can do that - I know you can.
In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
I can totally understand how you might be feeling overwhelmed with all of that on your mind @Former-Member. The grief side of it all is something I'm learning how to live with too, so there's not much I'll be able to say except I can understand how consuming it can feel and how hard it can be. And huge huge hugs and love to you for that.
It also seems like you're dealing with a few worries as well, which make things even harder. I remember a conversation we had recently where something that stood out was how breaking things down into little bite sized chunks can help everything feel more manageable. You're really good at this - I've seen you do this well a few times here. I found an app a while ago called 'ReachOut WorryTime' and I'm wondering whether it might help you too, given how well you're able to list and recognise things. It's on the play store but there should be one for apple too. The idea is that you acknowledge your worries but put them to the side, then give allow yourself a certain amount of time to 'worry' them. Once that time has passed you put them away and try to move on, using some of your awesome coping skills maybe. I used a similar thing a while ago when I found myself in a constant state of worry and now, although I still struggle with it sometimes, I'm much better at recognising I have things to worry about but putting those worries on hold until I actually need to worry about them. It's maybe not the best thing to use tonight given how hard things feel. It's also maybe not so great later at night anyway, but it might help to try during the day or afternoon some time if/when you're ready. It's another thing to add to the list to try if nothing else.
As for staying under, well sometimes maybe it's ok to stay under for a little while. It's ok to be sad, or stressed, or worried or hurt. They're all real human feelings. Staying under might allow those feelings a chance to change. They might not totally pass but rarely does anything in life ever stay exactly the same. If you're under it might be helpful to find something that gives you comfort, like a blanket, a soft toy, a pillow even - anything you can hold or feel that might feel nice. Cuddle it, feel it and breathe.
In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
miss_idkanymoreNew Contributor
Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
im sorry that youre hurting. you must feel like the world is ending. but please dont give up just keep crying it out. i know this is really cliché just please wait and keep hurting it will be over soon. i promise. ive felt exactly that but i got through most of it, and im happy now and i promise you will be too soon if u keep going through all the crap, no matter how horrible you feel u can do it i promise. find distractions, do projects find something to keep u busy and itll all go away soon just dont stop trying. xx
In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
im so overwhelmed and my sister seniding me more pictures and keep advertising that shes seeing her tomorrow is not helping me one bit 😞 it hurts to breathe 😞 I dont the flood ever going to subside until akot of things settle down. @Phoenix_Rising I feel like im drowing in these emotions
I havent heard of that app yet but I an have a look at it thanks @CheerBear I cant break this down its way to much. I cant think of much except for so many emotions and one just wont stick im super oveerwhelmed with them all. I dont want to cuddle anything. I dont want to move, I dont want to breathe it hurts, my heart feels like its going to eplode and my stomach too hurts, just everythign hurts.
I dont want all these experiences anymore 😞 its soo hard
i dont want to keep trying all the time- it hurts 😞@miss_idkanymore and welcome to the forums and nice to meet you
In response to: Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
Hey @Former-Member, I can hear how much you are struggling, I really can. The flood WILL settle. It is physically impossible to remain in a state of severe emotion dysregulation for too long. I'm not saying all the big feelings will disappear, but they won't be as intense as they are right now, forever. This day is nearly done, @Former-Member. I'm about to head off to bed. Perhaps you could think about doing likewise? As you said in your post, you can't think right now. I know that when I can't think, I simply lie on my bed or on the floor and just...be. You don't even have to try to breathe if you don't want to. Don't try to do anything. Simply be.
Night @Former-Member
In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
Oh shite oh shite @CheerBear I dont want to i cant i cant i dont want to That test os scaring the crap out of my! I dony know whether to keep calling it off until im ready so never or to just jump in the deep end and just do it.
In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering
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