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Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember16 Mar 2017, 8:45 pm AEDT

Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

I realise how little i mean to people. i mean nothing.
its abit like walking down a long dark street never knowing when a light might flick on to show me the way or give me some hope.
im tired of trying. tired of hoping. tired of coping. tired of exisiting. tired of breathing. i think im done.
dear everyone that knows me, im sorry im such a disapointment. im sorry i cant live up to your expectations. im sorry i was born. im sorry if ive hurt you. im sorry if ive made you miserable. i deserve all the blame and hatred i have gotten. everything is my fault and im sorry.
im locked within the walls of my own minds and i just cant escape it.
Pain. Pain all the time. It runs through my veins a fast flowing river with nothing there to stop it.
Just get over it they say. i wish i could, im living minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. im struggling with memories that haunt me everyday and i dont think they will ever fade.
my thoughts are overwhelming and what hurts me the most is when people pretend to care but really they dont.
im so scared. things just arent the same anymore. im not doing anything right anymore. ive lsot myself, the person i once knew isnt here anymore. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like i dont belong here or in reality. no where. i have constant feelings of being unworthy and hopeless, of being a prisioner in my own body.
i have so much pain physically and mentally. i try to stay happy. i try to keep smiling. i try to be brave. i try to be stong. i try to act like everything is ok but im far from it.
i never know when im going to have a 'good' day and at any minute im triggered and takes such a long time to recover.
there are monsters living inside me, attacking me, ripping me apart from the inside. i dont think its ever going to end
but its ok "ill just have to get over it" just as expected

1972 replies

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In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

CheerBearSenior Contributor06 Apr 2017, 7:43 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Sorry, I should clarify - It sounds like even though you don't feel like you have a plan, you've already started setting one with the conversations you've had @Former-Member

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember06 Apr 2017, 7:52 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

the program im in @CheerBear only allows me to go for two months to get these thoughts etc under control and its nearly at the end i havent found it useful yet and after that last session it left me totally wrecked the only thing good that came out of it was it made me realise im discussing the wrong things and im still sh and having suicidal thoughts which i know will take time to stop but i ahvent got any coping strategies out of this course so ive had the disccussion even though it was hard to do what im there to do and when i go back to my other psychologist or another then ill work out my relationships when i have abit more time and its not so pressured to get it done in a day

my exposure therapy may not happen for years yet and with the psychologist i had jsut before starting the program had a pretty clear idea of how to approach things and the first step was to get into the program to help manage the sh

and yes ive finally completed my plan and can implement it properly which ill post on the taking a break thread as thats a boundary.

im finding it still quite awkward but im just going to stick to the plan

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

CheerBearSenior Contributor06 Apr 2017, 8:51 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

It seems as if the pressure to get it under control in the time you have isn't helping the way you're feeling about participating in this program @Former-Member. I think you've mentioned feeling like this before. You may have already spoken with the person running it about that but if not it might be worth discussing. I really hope for you that tomorrow is easier than last week. It's ok to feel a bit funny or cautious or nervous before an appointment and a little wobbly afterwards (at least I think it is), but if you're feeling really massive out of control stuff before or after, then the question about whether it's doing more harm than good may be one to ask or consider.

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember06 Apr 2017, 9:40 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Thanks @CheerBear
Im going to see how tomorrow goes if i come out of there like i did last week and she doesnt listen to me im changing counsellor and she keeps harping on that i dont have much time left in the program and its kinda getting to me but i dont have much choice. At least the program is free so i don't have to stress about payment which ill have to work something out for when i leave there cause they arent cheap are they.. but first things first get to thrme psychologist session tomorrow morning

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember06 Apr 2017, 9:53 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Still feeling very nervous about going though

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember06 Apr 2017, 9:56 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

@utopia how are you going tonight?

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

utopiaSenior Contributor06 Apr 2017, 9:59 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

@Former-Member I hope tomorrows session is better than the last one.
Be upfront if you can. As you said previously - you'll deal with your family relationships later. You'd like to concentrate on techniques to reduce your thoughts on SH or there strength. YYou'd like more coping strategies.
Let us know how you go tomorrow. Wishing you well. ♥♥

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember06 Apr 2017, 10:03 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Thank you @utopia ill try my best tomorrow ❤❤❤

How are you tonight?

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

utopiaSenior Contributor06 Apr 2017, 10:08 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Feeling better @Former-Member. It's good to take time out and read a book and watch mindless tv. That self care. Really helps when I'm getting angry and overwrought.

In response to: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Unknown userMember06 Apr 2017, 10:16 pm AEST

Re: Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

Good im glad your feeling abit better @utopia
What book are you reading at the moment?

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