My silent battles

@Flutterbug9 thanks so much and I really appreciate you for sharing your experience and understanding of the similar issues I've shared, it means a lot and for me to know that I'm not alone in these struggles ❤️🌸

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@Flutterbug9 wrote:

when new psychologist heard I was in one activity only they said to me, “do you think there might be one other activity you think you might like to do”. Words felt so different. Still struggle to physically get to the activities, enjoy the couple that I now do.

its horrible when our own bodies, brain etc fight against us. Having had negative experience with friends etc from a young age definitely makes things really difficult. From memory snippets I have of my childhood, I was on of those kids that never felt they fitted in

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I can definitely relate to not wanting to do anything when one of your past psychologists suggested you to get involved in activities, and I know that's so wrong of them to come up with something like that when they haven't experience it themselves. so frustrating 😕

those words from your new psychologist definitely make a difference especially when suited to our needs. its wonderful that your new psychologist is able to understand you and know about your struggles, just like my current/new psychologist is ☺️

100% on the last part 🌸

also I enjoyed looking/seeing those images you've attached on your post - the piano puppies and the dog friendly gate are so adorable😍

My previous psychologist was not the right person for me @Blackcloud. due to things in my past I struggle to stand up for myself with people in authority or where there can be power play. Psychologist knew that, made no difference to things that were said. I walked away from last appointment with previous psychologist in tears after being triggered, left feeling everything I did was wrong and having been told the way I needed to view things.

with my current psychologist it feels like a partnership, 2 people working together to help me work through and process things. It’s this psychologist who let me talk through my thoughts about ND, who hasn’t dismissed what I said and is supporting me in what that means to me. CPTSD, Austism and Non Binary, it’s a lot to take in.

due to surgery that took my months to recover from, I never got to finish a TAFE course I was doing. I would have been out of education for more than 1entire school year prior to having to start the course again, I’d lost interest by then. Course was within field of accounting which is where my skills were. My preference had been veterinary which had been my passion for years, I could not comprehend one essential subject which saw the end of my dream, job wise.

to be doing the 2 courses at different education levels at the same time I find amazing, not something I think I could ever have done. Congratulations and well done for sticking at both of them

@Flutterbug9Yeah my previous psychologist was also the same as your previous psychologist. The last session I had with her made me feel a lot worse after and that was the last time I saw her. When I kept telling her that I can’t or unable to do any of the things she suggested I should do, she was being super pushy and really passive-aggressive the whole time - even giving me the 'what's stopping you ___?' questions several times during that one session. She didn't listen to my refusals at all after I kept telling her that it's not possible etc. She even pointed out one particular body language I was presenting to her that she assumed I was feeling which I thought was so disrespectful and it made me uncomfortable. I wanted to argue with her for not listening to me nor respecting my needs and lived experience, when instead I kept calm and was being respectful to her about it the whole time. That moment was the moment I knew that it was gonna be the last time I’m gonna be seeing her. So after that, I decided to cease my services with her and never come back. I also knew that seeking for psychology therapy was not the right fit for me until I discovered early this year that there was a neuroaffirming psychology therapy that exists. I knew that seeing a neuroaffirming psychologist was the best decision I’ve made and I didn’t give up on seeking psychology therapy as a whole. I know I might’ve mentioned this quite many times here and then, but I am a lot happier and comfortable with my now psychologist as every sessions I have with her now haven’t felt the same way I felt when I saw previous psychologists.

To this day, I still continue to question psychologists and counsellors that specialise in autism who don't have a lived experience with having autism themselves.

Yeah I had a drug withdrawal a few years ago that prevented me from being able to attend TAFE in-person and I couldn’t continue on with the Diploma course that I did. The following year, I decided to take a cert IV course that was fully online, because I knew that going there in person would mean that I have to deal with the immense mental and emotional pain with the drug withdrawal symptoms I had on my body, and would mean that I would need to drop out of it really early onto the course as I wouldn’t be able to continue on with it. Now that all that has passed, I’m happy I’m no longer suffering from this condition.

Eeeee more cute and wholesome pics!!

Thank you my friend ❤️

My current and previous psychologists are employed by the same psychology group @Blackcloud. When I knew I would no longer have appointments with my previous psychologist I started reading through the small info about each psychologist that the group employees and I found myself going back to one specific person. Words about helping people set their goals and make change seemed to jump of the screen at me.

during appointment when I told my previous psychologist I wanted to be transferred, due to their reaction the atmosphere became unpleasant. I had practiced in my mind for days prior what I wanted to say and kept replaying that in my mind during the appointment.

one thing that really annoyed me and made me feel angry was when my previous psychologist said at our next appointment she would let me know who she believed would be best fit for me. I remember calming saying the name of the person I wanted to be transferred to and if that wasn’t possible, I would provide a different name.

my psychologist is neuroaffirming also. From few things said, I think is actually ND. My current psychologist has a different way of approaching and explaining things, a person who works with people over vast age range including primary school children.

I have my first appointment with new psychiatrist next month. After having bad experience with psychiatrist I saw couple years ago I am wary about trying with someone new. Comments made by the “time waster” psychiatrist at the end of my last appointment showed they hadn’t listened to anything I had said.

new one appears to be better organised so far. New psychiatrist emailed me a new patient questionnaire to complete, lots of questions one of which was details of any allergies plus my current meds (including vitamins etc).

my pain management Dr first qualified and practiced as psychiatrist. Very nice person who gave me the details of my new psychiatrist. New psychiatrist only moved into my state and town end of last year.

Due to few things that happened when I was in high school I have been left with permanent disc damage in my spine @Blackcloud I also ended up with issues with toenails on most toes, worst were my big toes. I was about 19yo when I spoke to surgeon who said best option was surgery xyz. Few days after surgery when the bandaging was removed by nurse/s I saw my big toes were not the length they had been pre surgery. The combination of healing plus working out how to walk again took many months.

something I didn’t know for years after that is benefit of big toes is they provide approx 50% balance stability

@Jynx Weeks ago I sent email to high school I attended requesting copies of my school reports and any relevant photos for 1975 - 1980.

today I received reply email advising my student file has been located by the school archives and that, due to large amount of things to be copied, it will take some time before it is ready for me to collect. I’m feeling semi shocked plus surprised the records still exists

a tiny positive!! As I said to my psychologist at my last appointment, due to lots of reading, the info in the posts about ADHD and that a lot resonate with me, I know at some stage I’m going to get a formal combined assessment.

im also looking forward to getting the copies of everything in my student file and going through whatever is there, a 6 yr period of time of which I have only disjointed snippets of memories. I’m hoping things on my student file help provide more snippets of memories, possibly help bring back memories in decent size amounts

Hi @Cuddlebear currently I’m not on the forums often and struggling to want to log onto the forums. Last few weeks been lots of things happening that’s seen my feeling happy or excited and within day or 2 I’m crashing and in tears. Even with being involved with things on 3 days a week, I’m feeling lost and lonely. I know all my physical pain won’t be helping with how I’m feeling.

today I keep checking emails, feel like one that is there is actually a dream and not real.

weeks ago I sent email to archives department for my state in hope of getting copies of my form photos from high school plus anything else that might be on file that’s relevant. Reply email told me to contact high school I attended and request copy of my school reports and form photos.
yesterday it was huge surprise to get email saying my student file had been retrieved from the school archives and it will take quite some time to copy everything on my file. It doesn’t feel real. School records from mid to late 1970’s.

I am starting to remember tiny disjointed snippets of memories of things at school during those years. I tried to get similar from primary school I attended, due to fire in their archives section few years ago almost everything was destroyed or ruined.

how are things going with you?

How are things going with the work you do? Any updates from your neurospecialist about any tests etc they have done or are planning?

@Flutterbug9 oh that is a great idea, and amazing that they still have so much and can send it out to you! I think fuzzy or faulty memories of childhood can be incredibly common both for ND folks and folks with complex trauma (and quite often the two go hand in hand). But yeah I think the memories aren't always like, completely gone, so I have high hopes for those context cues and external records being a good way to dredge some of the memories to the surface!

I imagine it could be an intense, and potentially heavy or difficult undertaking, so I hope you've got some support to turn to and some self-care planned around it when the reports arrive 💜

That's awesome about getting assessed too, hope it isn't too long to wait 🤞

I don’t have anyone in my life who is there as support for me @Jynx Think that’s why I feel so lost and lonely plus struggle against thoughts of not wanting to be on the planet anymore. I’m safe

@AlwaysMyself