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Something’s not right

Being misstreated

Being misstreated

This is my little rant in this forum.

I am going on 31 and have a brother about 1 year younger than me. Throughout my whole life in our family there was not much love and communication. My brother and I did get along but the majority of the time he and I would not get along and often my father and I would gang up on him and call him names and get our self esteem from this. To me as a child growing up I thought it was ok to do this and never understood what it would be like to be my brother.

My father and mother never communicated emotion and thier relationship was feuled with negative energy. This is where the trigger was I feel and where the dissharmony arose.

My mother only recently said to me that at one stage she said to my brother that my fathers opinion did not matter. To me this may have been the trigger which over time sent me off in the wrong direction. When she told me this it set off alarm bells in my head and that she never spoke to me but spoke to my brother. I think she said this was around when my brother was 14. At around 15 I started drinking and at age 17 started taking drugs. To me this seems all to coinside with each other too much to be a coincidence. When I have asked my mother why she never trusted me as a child and spoke to me she says I did until you started taking drugs. Then she says that I lost her trust but now I have it back.

My brother took drugs and drunk I know this but now I hear she said she told my brother my fathers opinion did not matter it makes me realise she put all her trust in to my brother and left me with my father. My father and I got along but our relationship is terrible, if you have read my other thread in the Our Experience and Stories forum http://saneforums.org/t5/Our-experience-stories/Living-with-depression-and-anxiety/m-p/17866#M2415my father is adopted and is very detached. I think my mother sees the side of him in me and rejects this and this is what has happened throughout my life. Neither my mother and father can seem to accept both thier childs.

Anyway that is my problem I find at the moment with my family. I find I do not get the respect and understanding I deserve.

I speak with my mother tomorrow 15/02/2015 for my birthday 16/02/2015, I will let you all know how I go.

Thanks for your support.

336 replies

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In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@kristinThe poetry is really good and describes exactly what I am trying to overcome. I am starting to realise I can try these things but I am just getting no where.

Anne, that is exactly how I see my family. I see my brother is like my father in many ways as much as my mother may never admit this he is very closed off and not open to his feelings and emotion as me and my mother. On the other side of things I am like my dad in the way I am very blunt and can be upfront, sometimes swearing with no blatant regard, my brother is like my mother in the way he is shy and timid.

Physically and mentally though I feel I got the raw end of the bargain. I can not even stand up for myself with the bad knee I have and now trying to do things the right way after all these years, its just stupid.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@kristin@PeppiPatty

I thought I would write because it has been a problem for the last probably 6 months, since I moved back in to my dads and I got anxiety and depression.

When I moved back to my dads I realised that trust was a big part of a relationship which I posted in "Our experiences and stories" forum http://saneforums.org/t5/Our-experience-stories/Living-with-depression-and-anxiety/m-p/17977#M2429.

I got my parents to say they trusted me but that really started the depression and anxiety in to action.

I thought of my brother and thought he would be a good idea to help fix the problems I started having because I thought he is apart of the family and if he has no problems then why can not he get the family to say we trust each other not just me.

This is where the problem I am having now started to arise.

I called my brother for the first time in around 10 years thanks to anne, @PeppiPatty and after some time of us speaking I got him to say he would come down and get our family together to say we trusted each other.

I was talking to my mother on a thursday it would have been and was saying how important it would be for me to have my brother come down and talk with the family.

I thought I got it pretty clear that I wanted this and asap because the problems I was having were extremely dangerous and still are.

Nothing was arranged so I called my brother the next day and said could he come down and he said yes, but was saying oh no I can not come down on sunday, because I felt like sunday was the best day otherwise any later I would not be able to handle. He said he had a best friends birthday on sunday and really did not want to change it because it was to do with work and it was his best friend. I said do you not think family is more important and he said yes but said he could not make it on sunday. I said ok so we will see if we can make it sunday but if not, he said make it tuesday. I said ok but I do not know if I can make it tuesday.

I called my mother after this conversation and I said I really wanted my brother to come down on sunday and talk with the family, but my mother said oh no she is baby sitting on sunday, which was not arranged the previous time I spoke to her.

I felt like they were just trying to make this not work, but I conceeded that it would have to happen tuesday.

In the coming days up to tuesday I felt horrible and after I told my father my brother was coming down he started to change his behaviour kind of like what I felt my brother and mother were trying to do to not make things work and have us all trust each other and be on the same page.

Since that time I have struggled to here, but I realised a few things since the day my brother came down to say we all trust each other as a family. I talked regularly on the phone with my brother, mother and to my father because I live with him.

Over this time I have got to know everyone as a family again and sorted out some issues and got to get a sense of trust with everyone.

But the one thing missing I felt was everyones commitment and feelings. It was like everyone changed as soon as I wanted the family to get together to say they trust each other. I even wrote it down what happened with my mother did, that she all of a sudden had to babysit my half brothers kids. And my brother needed to be at his best friends birthday. And my father as soon as I mentioned my brother completely changed his behaviour to being negative to me all the time.

I realised that maybe this is the way it had to be at the start. Maybe we all needed time to get to know each other again, I do not know.

I thought I would write this because this is what I think has been happening to me over the last 6 months and why I feel so horrible still but I am hoping that our family needed to get to know each other again for us to commit our feelings and what happened when we got the family together at my mothers was just what had to happen.

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

'Maybe we all need time to get to know each other'

Will is your name, right ? Will you are a clever man and on the past few weeks the feeling of your mum and you have been tested and tried..... Why don't you say to her....what you wrote about what's the same in your personality to her ? You are the more evolved. I'm not giving you a flippant comment I have stated that this is the state of the world like my sons are more evolved than me.

Once, when my oldest son was 16, about 9 years ago, I gave and paid for him to have my therapy sessions, he was really struggling. My psychotherapist was really good value and I trusted her with my son. So he used 6 of my sessions. I was so pleased he could see her :usually she was booked out..... When he ended up, he decided to live with my brother. so, I went back to therapy. I asked her .... So what was it like ? She responds oh , your son is so much more spiritual than you ! I was gobsmacked ! I said you are so naughty ! I'm your client ! Your not supposed to say that to me ! But I was secretly pleased and she knew it .....
By the way.......my son gave her a soft toy that I had bought for him to give to her and she still treasures it and I secretly gloat that it was my idea he gave it to her ......
She has since retired I think.....I saw use for a little over 10 years. when I began seeing her I saw her three times per week. I was really really ill.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Well what a lovely post.

Is what I needed right now to help me through.

I am going to mention the above post I made, which I have not yet done, she is out for mothers day.

I plan on sorting it out and I guess you are right anne, we needed to get to know each other.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Dear Lee,

I'm so sorry that you are struggling with this. Families can be SO painful. Sometimes, much as we long for them to be who or how we need them to be, they cannot - even with the best will in the world.

You can get everyone to say words - like trust. But that doesn't mean that everyone means the same thing, or they mean what they are saying. Trust is a very fundamental essential need - but when you have been very damaged in your upbringing (which it sounds like your dad, and possibly your mum too, may have been) then you cannot trust no matter how much you want to. Learning to trust is a long and painful journey when it has never been learned, or has been badly broken. I speak from experience here.

I suggest you focus on working on yourself. Not on your family. You can grow; they might find an invitation to grow in that, or they might run scared. But only you can live your life - you can't drag them kicking and screaming (or silently resisting) with you.

Take care of you.

Hope for nurturing relationships endures...

Kindest regards,

Kristin

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Thanks for your encouraging words kristin. Is what I was hoping for :))

I know I can not change them or do anything that can drastically skew things in my favor, but I do know I can get how they feel and this is where I am prepared to listen and yes this is what I can change in myself, I can listen to them more and get what they are trying to say and for all of us to understand each other more. This is what I am hoping can be fixed that we understand each other more and listen and get to the core of the problem we are having.

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Lee

Like you last three posts. You are showing that you keep up the communication but I wholeheartedly agree with @kristin to focus on yourself. As you know though I think it's important you focus on you and your brothers relationship.....

There's something little inside me...... I wrote of my oldest son just before he decided to go and live with my brother over east of Australia. Both of my sons didn't call me for Mothers Day. Usually I wouldn't mind but since becoming more involved with Sane forums and some other stuff like a close friend passing away I felt it yesterday.
I think that there's trust with my sons but isn't it interesting that we should all care and cherish the trust we have for others ?

Am I making sense or have I gone on one of my most famous walks of talking ?

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Hey anne. First I got to say big props to you and @kristin for hanging in there for me it is really appreciated. As I post these comments I find it gradually helps me with the problems I am facing and with out you guys help I don't think I could have done it.

And yes I totally agree that the trust should be there, however it is made, but yes if you feel your sons need to be talked to I would do so.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@kristin@PeppiPatty

Hey anne how did you go about talking to your kids?

I went and saw my psychologist and he completely understood what I was going on about.

I am still unsure as to what is happening in my family it is still like they all do not want to show thier feelings.

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Dear Lee,
Yep, got your name right this time :0)
I'm a bit sad about my two sons ....... There's been no contact ........... I'm probably going to send them both a text soonish threatening to disown them both if they don't call me. Lol lol. Of course I never would but it might give them both a smile .......
What do you suggest ?
They hardly ever call me ...... I don't really mind but it was Mother's Day and well ....... A nice email or card wouldn't be hard.

So thanks for caring.
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