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Something’s not right

Being misstreated

Being misstreated

This is my little rant in this forum.

I am going on 31 and have a brother about 1 year younger than me. Throughout my whole life in our family there was not much love and communication. My brother and I did get along but the majority of the time he and I would not get along and often my father and I would gang up on him and call him names and get our self esteem from this. To me as a child growing up I thought it was ok to do this and never understood what it would be like to be my brother.

My father and mother never communicated emotion and thier relationship was feuled with negative energy. This is where the trigger was I feel and where the dissharmony arose.

My mother only recently said to me that at one stage she said to my brother that my fathers opinion did not matter. To me this may have been the trigger which over time sent me off in the wrong direction. When she told me this it set off alarm bells in my head and that she never spoke to me but spoke to my brother. I think she said this was around when my brother was 14. At around 15 I started drinking and at age 17 started taking drugs. To me this seems all to coinside with each other too much to be a coincidence. When I have asked my mother why she never trusted me as a child and spoke to me she says I did until you started taking drugs. Then she says that I lost her trust but now I have it back.

My brother took drugs and drunk I know this but now I hear she said she told my brother my fathers opinion did not matter it makes me realise she put all her trust in to my brother and left me with my father. My father and I got along but our relationship is terrible, if you have read my other thread in the Our Experience and Stories forum http://saneforums.org/t5/Our-experience-stories/Living-with-depression-and-anxiety/m-p/17866#M2415my father is adopted and is very detached. I think my mother sees the side of him in me and rejects this and this is what has happened throughout my life. Neither my mother and father can seem to accept both thier childs.

Anyway that is my problem I find at the moment with my family. I find I do not get the respect and understanding I deserve.

I speak with my mother tomorrow 15/02/2015 for my birthday 16/02/2015, I will let you all know how I go.

Thanks for your support.

336 replies

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In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Hey,

So I think it would be good to talk to them.

I am sad also, today I spoke to my mother and she said I am different to my brother. She meant that I am different to him and am treated different to him by her. I felt horrible about this. I am going to talk to my father about it but this is another reason why things are the way they are.

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Dear Anne, @PeppiPatty

Please my friend don't send that text - not even as a joke. It doesn't come with expression and may be totally misread. Might I suggest instead that you send them a text saying you are thinking of them? I think it would perhaps give them the same message you are wanting to send, but with an invitation to engage with you rather than a painful pointy push away.

My eldest didn't call on mother's day either, but he did come up for my 7yo's birthday when I asked - and he apologised for missing it when I picked him up. I thanked him. He knows I don't make a big deal of "mother's day" - I think it just sets us up for disappointment. For me mother's day was when he was up last time and my older two did the mowing & whipper-snipping together: it doesn't need the retailers to set the date - which suits them in generating sales during an otherwise quiet time.

Take care of you.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Dear Lee,

I hear your earnest and determined resolution to improve that communication. But my sense from all you say is that at least your mother, and probably your father, are not ready for this.

You can indeed listen to them and understand them better. This is a good thing, of value no matter what. My concern is that your hope (and maybe even expectation?) is they will then reciprocate - I don't hear a lot of that happening. As hard as it is I'm suggesting that you try to listen to them without expectation, but instead with a small hope that it may shift the dynamics slowly and in time they may be able to hear.

Listening, in my experience, involves far more than listening to people's words - it also means listening to their behaviouor and where the behaviour says something different to (or even opposite to) their words. Then trying to sit with it more and understand what's going on, and what response you need (rather than want) to make. It is a long and evloving process. In the midst of it you will grow lots, sometimes painfully. You will also gently invite others to grow too. But they may be too scared to change.

My friend you are not your family's therapist. But at times it sounds a little like that is what you are trying to be (whilst still being in the midst and very vulnerable indeed). Is that something which might be helpful - family therapy? I ask because I hear you listening to them and longing to be heard and valued, particularly by your parents; but as Anne has said perhaps you are more "evolved" than they are and maybe they just aren't capable of this right now (they may be eventually, or never).

Lee please take care of you. I am concerned about you.

Hope for more caring family dynamics endures...

Kindest regards,

Kristin

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

I thought I would update this thread @kristin @PeppiPatty because you guys are right I need to focus on myself.

After posting about how things happened and I was not sure on my familys intentions, I guess explaining this helped my realise what is happening.

I thought back to when things happened and realised my dad actually did not change anything like I thought he did. Perhaps a little psychotic on my part, but I spoke to my mother today and I thought of this. I think after seeing my psychologist to and explaining it to him helped as well.

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Dear @kristin,
Thank you for advice. I was hoping that you would write and give me advice ...... I am not usually concerned at all about ' Mother's Day,' but some events had happened and just wanted to talk to them. Ille send them both a message next week saying I'm thinking about them.

Your messages that I read of yours are heartening to me because I think that my oldest son has bi polar ...... He spends longish amounts of time in psychosis and he will not take medication. He also goes through low times. I don't speak often to him but when I do he tells me that he's managing his life by working more than less. I sort of worked out that you don't take medication you've got on with your life.

In response to: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@kristin's message just ticks all the boxes of heartfelt and answers Lee's concerns.

Heartfelt. My new word of the week.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

So @kristin I posted my last post perhaps when you posted yours?

I totally get what you are saying I am kind of pigeon holing myself.

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

@kristin@PeppiPattyI am concerned about my brother and mother.

I feel like they are doing different things to me, I am wondering what I can do to try and fix this?

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

Hi Lee, @Troubled_One

What's happenning? What does "doing different things to me" look & feel like? Doesn't sound good.

Take care of you.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

In response to: Re: Being misstreated

Re: Being misstreated

No, its not.

Me and my brother had a fight on the phone and since then I feel like I have been fighting a major battle with him.

We argued about getting along in the family. I said to him if he is to busy to take in the family, he needs to stop and understand that the family is in his life too. It was only a suggestion but he took it as a personal attack. Since then I have had this stress on my brain that he is waring with me and I am not sure how to stop it.

My mother and father do not really take sides but I am just not sure what to do?

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